dragonofenvy
Mage
- Oct 8, 2023
- 563
Trying hurts. I've always felt like everyone else can do it, and that I'll try to help them if I can, but I'm not capable because I've tried before and failed. The effort and rejection from others and self-deprecation I felt during those times was terrible and better not experienced again. I only feel decently if I can make someone else a bit better without regard to myself because that's what I learned through life experiences I guess. That's not a good way to live since it also kills you at the same time when you feel you can't be helped but you have to do everything for others if they ask.
But today I cooked a decent meal for the first time and actually enjoyed eating for once, and hours later I still feel... decent? I've gotten over my marijuana addiction, I got a new job, so things are looking better than they have been 2 months ago. But then, just hours before making the meal, I make a post asking for advice on ODing. I also just can't help but dread my job because it's not something I'm going to enjoy. 10.5 hour days at a rubber factory isn't a dream job.
I've tried going to therapy before and gotten medications, even was hospitalized and none of that stuff was of benefit. I feel like what's just going to happen is that once I start work again I'm going to repeat the same cycle. I'm eventually going to hate my job because I don't have anything outside of it to make it worthwhile, like friends, and anhedonia is killing my enjoyment of any hobbies, not that I did anything besides gaming in the first place. Then I'll get to the point where I use marijuana on the job to cope with it, again. I don't want these random moments of "hey things are okay for now" I want it to be consistently okay. I don't want to think "it's okay, but when you go to sleep tonight you'll dread the next day like you always do."
I've done some decent things for myself but what does it amount to? In the end, even while writing this I slowly feel the sadness creeping in. I've written about how I hate feeling decently because I get gut-punched later and here it comes again. I don't know how to go about doing anything. I don't have any kind of support from friends or family, and my family would just blame me for my problems or give me the whole "man-up" bs if I went to them rather than act like an actual family.
I guess this is one of my rambles where instead of getting to the point and saying that this is the first time in many years that I want to change, I ramble and ramble about stuff. But I don't know how to change. I don't know how to heal the scars I've had from all the shit I've gone through. I don't know where the first step is. I want to be better and I want to live a life, and this is the first time where that thought didn't end in ctb, it ended in self-improvement. I guess what I want most is to make friends but I've tried and the rejection hurts. Look I don't even know what I'm going on about anymore I've thought about not posting this and giving up on the idea but eh, whatever I don't care about people's judgment you get to choose to read it if you want, and I don't want to give up this thought while I still have it. Maybe there's a chance, at worst nothing changes. There's also a part of me that thinks I've developed borderline personality disorder and the past few days it's starting to manifest which would really suck but I'm not a doctor so I'm gonna assume no.
But today I cooked a decent meal for the first time and actually enjoyed eating for once, and hours later I still feel... decent? I've gotten over my marijuana addiction, I got a new job, so things are looking better than they have been 2 months ago. But then, just hours before making the meal, I make a post asking for advice on ODing. I also just can't help but dread my job because it's not something I'm going to enjoy. 10.5 hour days at a rubber factory isn't a dream job.
I've tried going to therapy before and gotten medications, even was hospitalized and none of that stuff was of benefit. I feel like what's just going to happen is that once I start work again I'm going to repeat the same cycle. I'm eventually going to hate my job because I don't have anything outside of it to make it worthwhile, like friends, and anhedonia is killing my enjoyment of any hobbies, not that I did anything besides gaming in the first place. Then I'll get to the point where I use marijuana on the job to cope with it, again. I don't want these random moments of "hey things are okay for now" I want it to be consistently okay. I don't want to think "it's okay, but when you go to sleep tonight you'll dread the next day like you always do."
I've done some decent things for myself but what does it amount to? In the end, even while writing this I slowly feel the sadness creeping in. I've written about how I hate feeling decently because I get gut-punched later and here it comes again. I don't know how to go about doing anything. I don't have any kind of support from friends or family, and my family would just blame me for my problems or give me the whole "man-up" bs if I went to them rather than act like an actual family.
I guess this is one of my rambles where instead of getting to the point and saying that this is the first time in many years that I want to change, I ramble and ramble about stuff. But I don't know how to change. I don't know how to heal the scars I've had from all the shit I've gone through. I don't know where the first step is. I want to be better and I want to live a life, and this is the first time where that thought didn't end in ctb, it ended in self-improvement. I guess what I want most is to make friends but I've tried and the rejection hurts. Look I don't even know what I'm going on about anymore I've thought about not posting this and giving up on the idea but eh, whatever I don't care about people's judgment you get to choose to read it if you want, and I don't want to give up this thought while I still have it. Maybe there's a chance, at worst nothing changes. There's also a part of me that thinks I've developed borderline personality disorder and the past few days it's starting to manifest which would really suck but I'm not a doctor so I'm gonna assume no.
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