itsmeagain
Specialist
- Jan 28, 2020
- 334
Initially, I was planning on comitting around valentines day, probably the day after when things have fueled me enough to do so. A day and a half ago I was ready, but I felt somewhat better last night. It always starts like this. I feel better, then something awful is taken away from me, and if not, a couple days later I wish that I had just comitted already, that I wish everything were gone. That I wish I was gone. I keep finding small bits of hope and they're dashed.
The thing is, I don't want to be treated by people like I'm hope-filled, bright-eyed, and happy because of this. At night, I suffer so badly. I suffered for so long these past weeks, and nothing works. How come when I have a bit of hope, I'm too happy to die? I'm too happy to want to die? Because... now, I just want it all to end again.
I know that feeling truly suicidal may be defined by some people as being absent of all hope and they CANT get any back, but is there anyone else that feels similar?
The thing is, I don't want to be treated by people like I'm hope-filled, bright-eyed, and happy because of this. At night, I suffer so badly. I suffered for so long these past weeks, and nothing works. How come when I have a bit of hope, I'm too happy to die? I'm too happy to want to die? Because... now, I just want it all to end again.
I know that feeling truly suicidal may be defined by some people as being absent of all hope and they CANT get any back, but is there anyone else that feels similar?
