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[Polyxo]

Hello, after a bit of time lurking, I've finally decided to make an account! I'm so glad to have found this forum.

You can call me Polyxo or Polly :) I'm F, turning 24, and live in the USA. I'm a child at heart and love anything related to KPop, games, writing, novels, and the like! I'm an extreme homebody and live with my parents. I don't have friends in real life except for my younger cousin who I talk to only occasionally, and my older sister who looks out for me. I have one online friend of three years I consider to be close. I hope I can make even more friends here!

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was around 12 years old. I confided in my older sister at the time, who told my mother. My family and I sat down, and I remember my mother sobbing and asking why I would do such a thing to her (that thing being, having suicidal ideation). Since then I've done well to push any active thoughts down as I went through life as a student because of guilt and the fear of doing something "wrong" by engaging with my feelings. I've been passively suicidal the majority of my life, but since dropping out of college and beginning work for the first time last year, I have less reasons to push the thoughts away. I don't make enough money to live independently and I'm back in community college to try for a paralegal degree (only to show others I'm "trying"). My main reasons for wanting to CTB is because I consider myself a worthless failure. I was raised by immigrant parents who sacrificed everything to be here and their youngest child turned out to be a burden, especially compared to my sister who is extremely successful despite going through hardships of her own. I had it good growing up and I don't deserve it.

I have always lacked the ability to envision a future for myself, which has led to consistent patterns of self-sabotage, even though I know that I have great potential. Everyone knew I had potential and was disappointed numerous times by me. My low self-esteem, low motivation, and cowardice has created a spiral of self-loathing which I can no longer be distracted from. I want to die because I feel it would be better for everyone.

Thank you for welcoming me! It feels so good to put that out in writing. I have never, ever expressed these thoughts to anyone before, and now it's all there. I never expected it to be so freeing.

 

[TransTaxEvader]

Hello Polly! Hope your stay is a good one. What kind of games do you like? And what was your most recently read novel?

 

[Ferret77]

Hello, after a bit of time lurking, I've finally decided to make an account! I'm so glad to have found this forum.

You can call me Polyxo or Polly :) I'm F, turning 24, and live in the USA. I'm a child at heart and love anything related to KPop, games, writing, novels, and the like! I'm an extreme homebody and live with my parents. I don't have friends in real life except for my younger cousin who I talk to only occasionally, and my older sister who looks out for me. I have one online friend of three years I consider to be close. I hope I can make even more friends here!

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was around 12 years old. I confided in my older sister at the time, who told my mother. My family and I sat down, and I remember my mother sobbing and asking why I would do such a thing to her (that thing being, having suicidal ideation). Since then I've done well to push any active thoughts down as I went through life as a student because of guilt and the fear of doing something "wrong" by engaging with my feelings. I've been passively suicidal the majority of my life, but since dropping out of college and beginning work for the first time last year, I have less reasons to push the thoughts away. I don't make enough money to live independently and I'm back in community college to try for a paralegal degree (only to show others I'm "trying"). My main reasons for wanting to CTB is because I consider myself a worthless failure. I was raised by immigrant parents who sacrificed everything to be here and their youngest child turned out to be a burden, especially compared to my sister who is extremely successful despite going through hardships of her own. I had it good growing up and I don't deserve it.

I have always lacked the ability to envision a future for myself, which has led to consistent patterns of self-sabotage, even though I know that I have great potential. Everyone knew I had potential and was disappointed numerous times by me. My low self-esteem, low motivation, and cowardice has created a spiral of self-loathing which I can no longer be distracted from. I want to die because I feel it would be better for everyone.

Thank you for welcoming me! It feels so good to put that out in writing. I have never, ever expressed these thoughts to anyone before, and now it's all there. I never expected it to be so freeing.

Hii! Welcome to the community and hopefully you'll be able to safely express your thoughts. I went through similar experiences, I've first been suicidal, when I was 12, and I've been struggling ever since. I don't have irl friends either, and It makes it so much harder sometimes. If you ever wanna talk about anything, you can write me in messages

 

[Polyxo]

Hello Polly! Hope your stay is a good one. What kind of games do you like? And what was your most recently read novel?

Hi, TransTaxEvader! Thank you for your reply! I'm hopeful that I'll find my footing here.

I like playing games on PC or PlayStation! The most recent game I finished was the Silent Hill 2 Remake, which really resonated with me. I love story games like that, including Red Dead Redemption, Mafia, and others.

I like reading classic literature! I recently finished Jane Eyre on audible and I loved it so much. I wish I could be like Jane the protagonist.

Do you like games and books, too?

Hii! Welcome to the community and hopefully you'll be able to safely express your thoughts. I went through similar experiences, I've first been suicidal, when I was 12, and I've been struggling ever since. I don't have irl friends either, and It makes it so much harder sometimes. If you ever wanna talk about anything, you can write me in messages

Hi Ferret77! It's really comforting to know that there are people out there who have experienced something similar to me... It's not good in that we feel this way in the first place, but knowing that we are not alone makes that much of a difference. I've been living in my own head for so long. Having no IRL friends can be a struggle. Personally, I think I've made peace with having no friends, because of that belief that I'm no good and it's only natural that I'm alone... But then again, the ability and desire to connect with others is what makes us human. I can't bring myself to actively reject others.

I've honestly not used a forum site before, even though I grew up in that era, haha. It's my understanding that I should have a good enough post history before I can send people messages and use the search function, right? Thank you for being so welcoming.

 

[sadalways]

Hello and welcome to the forum! also 24 here, used to listen to kpop ALOT until i got burned out been suicidal for about the same time now, maybe started a year later for me than you but yeah, it's tough and i'm sorry about what you've been going through. No real life friends here either, which can really suck at times but world can be unfair so it is what it is i suppose.

P.S Silent hill 2 is amazing. One of my favorite horror franchises actually... for the first 3 games at least

 

[TransTaxEvader]

Do you like games and books, too?

indeed i do! I play a lot of games. I've been into tabletop simulator, insurgency sandstorm, and destiny 2 recently! And I've also been reading the series The Stormlight archive, im on the fourth book

totally dm me if youd like to talk more or game sometime!

 

[Polyxo]

Hello and welcome to the forum! also 24 here, used to listen to kpop ALOT until i got burned out been suicidal for about the same time now, maybe started a year later for me than you but yeah, it's tough and i'm sorry about what you've been going through. No real life friends here either, which can really suck at times but world can be unfair so it is what it is i suppose.

P.S Silent hill 2 is amazing. One of my favorite horror franchises actually... for the first 3 games at least

Hi sadalways!! I feel you when it comes to KPop. I cannot keep up with the current generation music, which is why I stick to the stuff from 2008-2018 hahaha. Did you have any favorite groups from when you were still into it? My favorite group is SHINee!

Having no real life connections is hard, I agree. That's why there are forums like these where people can interact with each other and be honest. I think that's what I'm really missing... Just being genuine. I've reached a breaking point when it comes to pretending.

The Silent Hill 2 Remake was my first ever Silent Hill game! I've heard a lot of great things about 1 and 3, so I really hope I get the opportunity to play them soon. Are they available on PC? I played SH2 Remake on the PlayStation. My favorite horror franchise has been Outlast for the longest time so I'd be eager to get into something new!

 

[sadalways]

Hi sadalways!! I feel you when it comes to KPop. I cannot keep up with the current generation music, which is why I stick to the stuff from 2008-2018 hahaha. Did you have any favorite groups from when you were still into it? My favorite group is SHINee!

Having no real life connections is hard, I agree. That's why there are forums like these where people can interact with each other and be honest. I think that's what I'm really missing... Just being genuine. I've reached a breaking point when it comes to pretending.

The Silent Hill 2 Remake was my first ever Silent Hill game! I've heard a lot of great things about 1 and 3, so I really hope I get the opportunity to play them soon. Are they available on PC? I played SH2 Remake on the PlayStation. My favorite horror franchise has been Outlast for the longest time so I'd be eager to get into something new!

I have listened to shinee before! They are good. My favorites though were blackpink and it's members, some twice, red velvet and some solo artists like IU and heize. Mostly girl groups in my case.

As for silent hill, 1 is AMAZING and 3 is really good too, but they aren't remade or on PC, first one is on playstation 1 and third one is on playstation 2. However, pretty much anything can emulate ps1/ps2 nowadays, even phones, so if you are up to it, i'd really suggest trying them out! as for outlast, i played the first one way back in the day and it's scary as hell, barely was able to finish it but it's really good. You should also try resident evil games if you haven't!

 

[Polyxo]

I have listened to shinee before! They are good. My favorites though were blackpink and it's members, some twice, red velvet and some solo artists like IU and heize. Mostly girl groups in my case.

As for silent hill, 1 is AMAZING and 3 is really good too, but they aren't remade or on PC, first one is on playstation 1 and third one is on playstation 2. However, pretty much anything can emulate ps1/ps2 nowadays, even phones, so if you are up to it, i'd really suggest trying them out! as for outlast, i played the first one way back in the day and it's scary as hell, barely was able to finish it but it's really good. You should also try resident evil games if you haven't!

Blackpink, IU, Twice, and Red Velvet are all really great and I enjoy them! I'll try to figure out how to emulate those Silent Hill games... I hope it isn't too complicated lol. I'll try also with Resident Evil. Thank you for these great suggestions!