Venting First Vent

[Qua]

In the beginning, if you for any reason decide to read this I apologize for my poor English.

I don't even know how to express the way I feel. I'm home for a bit over a week cuz ppl in my school take their final exams and have end of school year celebration and what I noticed today is how I "disconnected" from life again. I sleep the most of the day (wake up around 3pm, once around 5pm) and only play games on my phone till around 4am. I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't socialize, I don't have any hobbies and stuff that I used to enjoy doesn't feel the same for a long long time. I've started going to therapy 2 years ago when my anxiety was so bad I couldn't leave the house but I see no positive change in depression. I don't feel alive, I want to change it but I don't know how since I don't even think it's possible to change. The only thing I want to do now is cry and talk to my significant other but we're not in touch anymore. I'm just lost, I want to feel okay, I want to get it all fixed but when I think that I got it fixed it all breaks down again and again and I have no way to change it I swear to God. I feel like I'm starting to panic cuz I don't know what's on my mind and I don't know what to do and how to act and I don't know anything right now besides that almost painfull feeling up my throat and in my chest from forcing myself not to cry I hate my life and I hays myself why can't I be normal and act like a normal person just once why can't I have a normal life I hate it all

 

[Eyris]

there is no right way to handle your situation. you cant force yourself to fix problems that cant be fix with simple methods. your situation is not easy so please don't degrade yourself because you cant fix it immediately. please go easier on yourself and you're not a robot that can just change on a dime you need to go slow and that can be as slow as you want. A proverb that helps me keep going despite feeling like everything is going against me is "be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid of standing still". there is no normal are you are fine as person there is no normal so please don't worry about being something that no one is.
if you want to talk why not share some of your hobbies or things that really interest you, if not that is perfectly fine but you seem really interesting.
you are a greater person than your perception of yourself as.
Esto quod es

 

[wtg]

In the beginning, if you for any reason decide to read this I apologize for my poor English.

I don't even know how to express the way I feel. I'm home for a bit over a week cuz ppl in my school take their final exams and have end of school year celebration and what I noticed today is how I "disconnected" from life again. I sleep the most of the day (wake up around 3pm, once around 5pm) and only play games on my phone till around 4am. I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't socialize, I don't have any hobbies and stuff that I used to enjoy doesn't feel the same for a long long time. I've started going to therapy 2 years ago when my anxiety was so bad I couldn't leave the house but I see no positive change in depression. I don't feel alive, I want to change it but I don't know how since I don't even think it's possible to change. The only thing I want to do now is cry and talk to my significant other but we're not in touch anymore. I'm just lost, I want to feel okay, I want to get it all fixed but when I think that I got it fixed it all breaks down again and again and I have no way to change it I swear to God. I feel like I'm starting to panic cuz I don't know what's on my mind and I don't know what to do and how to act and I don't know anything right now besides that almost painfull feeling up my throat and in my chest from forcing myself not to cry I hate my life and I hays myself why can't I be normal and act like a normal person just once why can't I have a normal life I hate it all

Well, all i can say is just chill and dont really think about it. If u want to talk to your SO, just chat them.

 

[Qua]

there is no right way to handle your situation. you cant force yourself to fix problems that cant be fix with simple methods. your situation is not easy so please don't degrade yourself because you cant fix it immediately. please go easier on yourself and you're not a robot that can just change on a dime you need to go slow and that can be as slow as you want. A proverb that helps me keep going despite feeling like everything is going against me is "be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid of standing still". there is no normal are you are fine as person there is no normal so please don't worry about being something that no one is.
if you want to talk why not share some of your hobbies or things that really interest you, if not that is perfectly fine but you seem really interesting.
you are a greater person than your perception of yourself as.
Esto quod es

I really appreciate. To be honest I partially agree with you but there's still that bad feeling, probably I'll come back to this and be able to understand it better once the feeling is gone.
I used to enjoy dancing and I try to go back to it almost everyday but, as I said, it doesn't bring me much joy anymore even tho I really want it to. There's nothing more honestly, I think I struggle the most with finding something that I'll actually enjoy.
I feel like I don't really make sense now and I'm not sure what to say even tho I want to say something. Don't get me wrong, my minds foggy and it wanders to all different places

 

[Eyris]

it doesn't bring me much joy anymore even tho I really want it to. There's nothing more honestly, I think I struggle the most with finding something that I'll actually enjoy.
I feel like I don't really make sense now and I'm not sure what to say even tho I want to say something. Don't get me wrong, my minds foggy and it wanders to all different places

the fact that you still feel the want to do it is great, i feel like because of the headspace you are in right now you feel like you don't have any time to feel happy since you have been feeling so anxious and scrambled for so long the sense of happiness is almost alien to you. that's not something that is wrong in any sense you are just worrying about so many things causing you to be unable to form concise thought about anything that pains you. you are hurt deeply and just like a deep flesh would they are incredibly hard to heal. And I feel the part about saying that hobbies that you loved feel unenjoyable and the sense of wanting a purposeful way to spend your time, it fucking sucks I felt like a worthless being and that was without a doubt the hardest point in my life and it took months for me to re learn that my purpose is not defined by anything or anyone other than myself, the way my therapist said to start was to try and treat yourself as someone you are trying to help and want to see them be the best possible human they can be in time. with your definition of "normal" that i inferred from your post (i may be wrong about it) you are way more "normal" than you think. you make sense, your raw thoughts are better than trying to format it for others and it makes the message feel real . you still have the spark of pursuit in your life and thats amazing dont let that flame die out

 

[Qua]

the fact that you still feel the want to do it is great, i feel like because of the headspace you are in right now you feel like you don't have any time to feel happy since you have been feeling so anxious and scrambled for so long the sense of happiness is almost alien to you. that's not something that is wrong in any sense you are just worrying about so many things causing you to be unable to form concise thought about anything that pains you. you are hurt deeply and just like a deep flesh would they are incredibly hard to heal. And I feel the part about saying that hobbies that you loved feel unenjoyable and the sense of wanting a purposeful way to spend your time, it fucking sucks I felt like a worthless being and that was without a doubt the hardest point in my life and it took months for me to re learn that my purpose is not defined by anything or anyone other than myself, the way my therapist said to start was to try and treat yourself as someone you are trying to help and want to see them be the best possible human they can be in time. with your definition of "normal" that i inferred from your post (i may be wrong about it) you are way more "normal" than you think. you make sense, your raw thoughts are better than trying to format it for others and it makes the message feel real . you still have the spark of pursuit in your life and thats amazing dont let that flame die out

Thank you so much

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really tiring feeling trapped in that situation, it's such a cruel world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best.