Venting First vent

[creke]

I have not been able to express myself as much as i have wanted to with friends and people i feel i can "trust" so I'm happy to find a place like this.

My entire life i was given the access to the internet and of course you would imagine i met horrible people, on all kinds of apps every kind of person you could think of. I've been groomed, harassed, sexually harassed and i can never find the right help. I've just fed and fed into this horrible addiction of torture, I grew up enjoying pain. I call myself a masochist i told the most toxic person ive ever met in my life that i wouldn't care if he murdered me or hurt me in any way and i would still love him. I've always accepted my thoughts which i always just told myself they were intrusive thoughts always thinking of cutting myself, slitting my stomach open and dissecting myself and it brought me so much joy just thinking about my "lover" doing all these harmful things to me. I've considered ctb so many times throughout my life its been like that since 4th grade, ctb has always been an option to me and yet i've always been so afraid to do it. I worry about my si and i always think "I don't want to die." Even if i really share no purpose into this world, I've always been so grateful for the people i have in my life that are supportive and caring for me. But I've never been able to care for myself as much as i could for others, I told myself for a year i was so deeply in love with someone who only tortured me. They were so mentally abusive and sometimes physically, but i made myself enjoy it. I made myself endure it and i always said i love you even after they did the worst kind of harm to me. My whole life has been pathetic, school was always a drag my entire life. It's hard for me to keep up with hygiene, I eat unhealthy, I almost never work, I sleep all day, I don't go out, I don't even bother to get up from bed to even feed myself some days. Ever since i met the "Love of my life" i have never been so so low, i grew numb at a point and the anxiety problems they gave me were so bad i didn't want to even eat a salad. Every time i tried taking a bite of my food i immediately grew nauseous and it still takes affect to me. I am a fuck up. I don't know if i should ctb or continue living my life to "try" and make things better, i know i would hurt my family so badly and they would only call me selfish for it but i just don't know. I don't get how these people can love me even after i have showed nothing worthy of my life. I'm just a dumb ragdoll.

 

[CentreMid]

First off, welcome! I'm glad you feel safe enough to come and post here. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I'm sorry that the people in your life have no respect for you and cannot see your worth. It does seem like for a lot of us here, myself included, that we are just drawn to the things that hurt us. We don't mean to be as such, but it just seems like it's all we know, and it's very discouraging after a certain point. But please know that you're not alone in this regard, and reading your story reassures me that I'm not alone either. Whether you decide to ctb or continue living, there are many on this site who will support you every step of the way, myself included.

Take care, sending you a virtual hug if you'd like :)

 

[creke]

First off, welcome! I'm glad you feel safe enough to come and post here. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I'm sorry that the people in your life have no respect for you and cannot see your worth. It does seem like for a lot of us here, myself included, that we are just drawn to the things that hurt us. We don't mean to be as such, but it just seems like it's all we know, and it's very discouraging after a certain point. But please know that you're not alone in this regard, and reading your story reassures me that I'm not alone either. Whether you decide to ctb or continue living, there are many on this site who will support you every step of the way, myself included.

Take care, sending you a virtual hug if you'd like :)

Thank you. :-)

 

[AngryDog]

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. You said you "enjoyed" the pain, but the way you wrote it makes it pretty clear that what happened to you was something you didn't like at all. You shouldn't let yourself be treated like garbage, nobody deserves that. People can be very cruel, but not all of them are.

I'd say that if there's any part of you that wants to give life another chance, you should go for it. I hope you can see yourself as someone worth of love and respect.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you've had to go through, it really is such a cruel world that we exist in. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.