First Thread

[Anteenna]

Well, it's my first thread after I got permitted as a new member.
So I guess it's my chance to say hello and explain a bit of myself to the community.
Feel free to skip if you are not interested.

I'm Anteenna, 28 male from Japan. (As you suspected, it's a typo. If anyone knows how I can change the username, help me out.) I was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder about half a year ago. Currently taking meds only, no counseling as I'm too broke for that.

Basically, I got to this point due to work pressure, debt, and from hopeless future ahead of me. I used to work in the telecommunications industry and was about to get promoted to the leader of a small team of 16 members. The pressure was high; my boss/company expected a lot from me, which I failed to live up to. Every day was torture to just simply wake up, commute, work, eat, and sleep. It got slightly better now, but I was thinking about jumping in front of a train pretty much every commute. I went to see the psychiatrist for the first time in my life and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Everything and everyone turned their back after the diagnosis. My boss/company seemed uninterested in me and accepted my leave of absence. I was able to take 2 months off from work, but there was no place left for me after the break. I got fired immediately without proving myself I got better.

Since then it's been half a year but my motivation has completely disappeared in all aspects. My depression also got worse. Fortunately, I was eligible for the disability pay, which lasts for another year, but I hardly think that will help to replenish any of my motivation. I'm still getting constant pressure from taxes, debt, and just regular bills. I guess a simple life is even hard for me at this point.

If I work hard, I could prob find another job and get myself back in society. Although I can't find any merits in that. It may sound dumb, but I am seriously thinking that suicide is a peaceful way out rather than suffering from work for the next 50 years.

That's my story. I'm probably in a more fortunate position compared to many people in the community. I was born in a middle-class family in Japan without abuse, DV, or any sort.
So there is no excuse for me being a failure except that I am lazy and weak. Thus, I am sorry if anyone who read my experience felt like I don't belong in this place.

Lastly, I'm here because there was a guy who introduced me to SS. He PMed me on Reddit when I shared my suicidal thoughts on Reddit.
I'm not in contact with him anymore, as I was perm-banned by Reddit soon after that.
So I would like to thank him by using this thread for reaching out a hand to me.

I'm going to stick around with the community, dive into several "how to" threads to see if there's anything that suits me.
Thanks for reading, and it is very nice to know you all. Hopefully, everyone finds their own peaceful way whether to live or not.

 

[soul2realm]

Well, it's my first thread after I got permitted as a new member.
So I guess it's my chance to say hello and explain a bit of myself to the community.
Feel free to skip if you are not interested.

I'm Anteenna, 28 male from Japan. (As you suspected, it's a typo. If anyone knows how I can change the username, help me out.) I was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder about half a year ago. Currently taking meds only, no counseling as I'm too broke for that.

Basically, I got to this point due to work pressure, debt, and from hopeless future ahead of me. I used to work in the telecommunications industry and was about to get promoted to the leader of a small team of 16 members. The pressure was high; my boss/company expected a lot from me, which I failed to live up to. Every day was torture to just simply wake up, commute, work, eat, and sleep. It got slightly better now, but I was thinking about jumping in front of a train pretty much every commute. I went to see the psychiatrist for the first time in my life and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Everything and everyone turned their back after the diagnosis. My boss/company seemed uninterested in me and accepted my leave of absence. I was able to take 2 months off from work, but there was no place left for me after the break. I got fired immediately without proving myself I got better.

Since then it's been half a year but my motivation has completely disappeared in all aspects. My depression also got worse. Fortunately, I was eligible for the disability pay, which lasts for another year, but I hardly think that will help to replenish any of my motivation. I'm still getting constant pressure from taxes, debt, and just regular bills. I guess a simple life is even hard for me at this point.

If I work hard, I could prob find another job and get myself back in society. Although I can't find any merits in that. It may sound dumb, but I am seriously thinking that suicide is a peaceful way out rather than suffering from work for the next 50 years.

That's my story. I'm probably in a more fortunate position compared to many people in the community. I was born in a middle-class family in Japan without abuse, DV, or any sort.
So there is no excuse for me being a failure except that I am lazy and weak. Thus, I am sorry if anyone who read my experience felt like I don't belong in this place.

Lastly, I'm here because there was a guy who introduced me to SS. He PMed me on Reddit when I shared my suicidal thoughts on Reddit.
I'm not in contact with him anymore, as I was perm-banned by Reddit soon after that.
So I would like to thank him by using this thread for reaching out a hand to me.

I'm going to stick around with the community, dive into several "how to" threads to see if there's anything that suits me.
Thanks for reading, and it is very nice to know you all. Hopefully, everyone finds their own peaceful way whether to live or not.

Hey welcome to SaSu. Hope everything works out for you!!

 

[AreWeWinning]

Well, it's my first thread after I got permitted as a new member.
So I guess it's my chance to say hello and explain a bit of myself to the community.
Feel free to skip if you are not interested.

I'm Anteenna, 28 male from Japan. (As you suspected, it's a typo. If anyone knows how I can change the username, help me out.) I was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder about half a year ago. Currently taking meds only, no counseling as I'm too broke for that.

Basically, I got to this point due to work pressure, debt, and from hopeless future ahead of me. I used to work in the telecommunications industry and was about to get promoted to the leader of a small team of 16 members. The pressure was high; my boss/company expected a lot from me, which I failed to live up to. Every day was torture to just simply wake up, commute, work, eat, and sleep. It got slightly better now, but I was thinking about jumping in front of a train pretty much every commute. I went to see the psychiatrist for the first time in my life and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Everything and everyone turned their back after the diagnosis. My boss/company seemed uninterested in me and accepted my leave of absence. I was able to take 2 months off from work, but there was no place left for me after the break. I got fired immediately without proving myself I got better.

Since then it's been half a year but my motivation has completely disappeared in all aspects. My depression also got worse. Fortunately, I was eligible for the disability pay, which lasts for another year, but I hardly think that will help to replenish any of my motivation. I'm still getting constant pressure from taxes, debt, and just regular bills. I guess a simple life is even hard for me at this point.

If I work hard, I could prob find another job and get myself back in society. Although I can't find any merits in that. It may sound dumb, but I am seriously thinking that suicide is a peaceful way out rather than suffering from work for the next 50 years.

That's my story. I'm probably in a more fortunate position compared to many people in the community. I was born in a middle-class family in Japan without abuse, DV, or any sort.
So there is no excuse for me being a failure except that I am lazy and weak. Thus, I am sorry if anyone who read my experience felt like I don't belong in this place.

Lastly, I'm here because there was a guy who introduced me to SS. He PMed me on Reddit when I shared my suicidal thoughts on Reddit.
I'm not in contact with him anymore, as I was perm-banned by Reddit soon after that.
So I would like to thank him by using this thread for reaching out a hand to me.

I'm going to stick around with the community, dive into several "how to" threads to see if there's anything that suits me.
Thanks for reading, and it is very nice to know you all. Hopefully, everyone finds their own peaceful way whether to live or not.

Nice, well written first thread. I enjoyed reading it. You sound like a thoughtful person.

I've never been to Japan, but your post reminds me of all the stereotypes of Japanese society you see in some YouTube documentaries. It's not just your experiences or what you're going through, because these things can happen to anyone, in any country, but the overall feel of your post. I dunno...

Anyway, I've always wanted to visit Japan. It looks like a fascinating country. I never did, though, and probably never will.

You can change your username every couple of months or so in Account details. But I think your username looks better with the typo. Don't change it to "Antenna" lol.

 

[RottenSoul]

Hello, Anteena, welcome to SaSu. Great first thread, really shows how pressuring living in japan can be, no wonder everyone is so depressed and anxious. We were not made for this modern way of life, so much anxiety and loneliness and pain. I really hope you get better, no matter what you choose, just don't do anything stupid like me and end up hospitalized in some ward for 5 months, really not fun. I would say try to disociate a bit, it can be really interesting i would say to just exist without any purpose and surf through life. Existence is so absurd you know, i have found this absurdness to be fun, you can always make yourself smile by just existing and thinking about stupid things. Anyone who takes high doses of quetiapine knows what i am talking about, these cursed meds are a fucking lifestyle.

 

[Anteenna]

Hey welcome to SaSu. Hope everything works out for you!!

Thanks for the warm welcome. I hope so too.

Nice, well written "first thread". I enjoyed reading it. You sound like a thoughtful person.

I've never been to Japan, but your post reminds me of all the stereotypes of Japanese society you see in some YouTube documentaries. It's not just your experiences or what you're going through, because these things can happen to anyone, in any country, but the overall feel of your post. I dunno...

Anyway, I've always wanted to visit Japan. It looks like a fascinating country. I never did, though, and probably never will.

You can change your username every couple of months or so in Account details. But I think your username looks better with the typo. Don't change it to "Antenna" lol.

The lifestyle I had is probably not so far from what you see in YouTube documentary. Although it wasn't extremely crazy to the point where the company broke the law.
Thanks for the username info. Since you prefer the current name, I will reconsider and may keep it ;)

Hello, Anteena, welcome to SaSu. Great first thread, really shows how pressuring living in japan can be, no wonder everyone is so depressed and anxious. We were not made for this modern way of life, so much anxiety and loneliness and pain. I really hope you get better, no matter what you choose, just don't do anything stupid like me and end up hospitalized in some ward for 5 months, really not fun. I would say try to disociate a bit, it can be really interesting i would say to just exist without any purpose and surf through life. Existence is so absurd you know, i have found this absurdness to be fun, you can always make yourself smile by just existing and thinking about stupid things. Anyone who takes high doses of quetiapine knows what i am talking about, these cursed meds are a fucking lifestyle.

I agree. I feel like the system we live in right now is just torture for some people.
A country with more than 20k suicide counts per year isn't normal, especially with the population we have here.
As you advised, one of the things that I'm afraid of the most is getting hospitalised and being completely locked in to some sort of facilities.
Dissociation is definitely a way. I will stick around here and see what happens next. ;)

 

[hell toupee]

Well, it's my first thread after I got permitted as a new member.
So I guess it's my chance to say hello and explain a bit of myself to the community.
Feel free to skip if you are not interested.

I'm Anteenna, 28 male from Japan. (As you suspected, it's a typo. If anyone knows how I can change the username, help me out.) I was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder about half a year ago. Currently taking meds only, no counseling as I'm too broke for that.

Basically, I got to this point due to work pressure, debt, and from hopeless future ahead of me. I used to work in the telecommunications industry and was about to get promoted to the leader of a small team of 16 members. The pressure was high; my boss/company expected a lot from me, which I failed to live up to. Every day was torture to just simply wake up, commute, work, eat, and sleep. It got slightly better now, but I was thinking about jumping in front of a train pretty much every commute. I went to see the psychiatrist for the first time in my life and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Everything and everyone turned their back after the diagnosis. My boss/company seemed uninterested in me and accepted my leave of absence. I was able to take 2 months off from work, but there was no place left for me after the break. I got fired immediately without proving myself I got better.

Since then it's been half a year but my motivation has completely disappeared in all aspects. My depression also got worse. Fortunately, I was eligible for the disability pay, which lasts for another year, but I hardly think that will help to replenish any of my motivation. I'm still getting constant pressure from taxes, debt, and just regular bills. I guess a simple life is even hard for me at this point.

If I work hard, I could prob find another job and get myself back in society. Although I can't find any merits in that. It may sound dumb, but I am seriously thinking that suicide is a peaceful way out rather than suffering from work for the next 50 years.

That's my story. I'm probably in a more fortunate position compared to many people in the community. I was born in a middle-class family in Japan without abuse, DV, or any sort.
So there is no excuse for me being a failure except that I am lazy and weak. Thus, I am sorry if anyone who read my experience felt like I don't belong in this place.

Lastly, I'm here because there was a guy who introduced me to SS. He PMed me on Reddit when I shared my suicidal thoughts on Reddit.
I'm not in contact with him anymore, as I was perm-banned by Reddit soon after that.
So I would like to thank him by using this thread for reaching out a hand to me.

I'm going to stick around with the community, dive into several "how to" threads to see if there's anything that suits me.
Thanks for reading, and it is very nice to know you all. Hopefully, everyone finds their own peaceful way whether to live or not.

Konnichiwa Ateena,

Welcome to SaSu. I'm sorry that your struggles have brought you here.

If you are meticulous, and do your research, there are plenty of resources here that might be of some help.

Don't be so hard on yourself - every single one of us have our own strengths and weaknesses. I like to think that personally, I was not built for the hyper capitalistic world we live in, and I believe there are a lot of people like that. We measure success, generally, by our earning ability, and for me, I just have never been motivated by earning lots of money and what that entails.

So while I understand why you feel like a failure, I really hope you can look at things from a different perspective. You are not a failure simply because your strengths do not include corporate subjugation, Don't focus on that - instead, focus on the your strengths. You sound like a very intelligent and articulate person. You are also a great writer and your command of English (assuming Japanese is your native language) is better than most Americans.

Remember, people who look like they are successful, accomplished, and well put together, often hide miseries that we don't see, so it's useless to try and compare yourself to them.

Don't compare you weaknesses to their strengths - that's not a fair comparison.

 

[RottenSoul]

Konnichiwa Ateena,

Welcome to SaSu. I'm sorry that your struggles have brought you here.

If you are meticulous, and do your research, there are plenty of resources here that might be of some help.

Don't be so hard on yourself - every single one of us have our own strengths and weaknesses. I like to think that personally, I was not built for the hyper capitalistic world we live in, and I believe there are a lot of people like that. We measure success, generally, by our earning ability, and for me, I just have never been motivated by earning lots of money and what that entails.

So while I understand why you feel like a failure, I really hope you can look at things from a different perspective. You are not a failure simply because your strengths do not include corporate subjugation, Don't focus on that - instead, focus on the your strengths. You sound like a very intelligent and articulate person. You are also a great writer and your command of English (assuming Japanese is your native language) is better than most Americans.

Remember, people who look like they are successful, accomplished, and well put together, often hide miseries that we don't see, so it's useless to try and compare yourself to them.

Don't compare you weaknesses to their strengths - that's not a fair comparison.

I second this, please don't compare yourself to others if it's easy. Constant criticism and comparison of yourself to others is a curse. You know how horrible it is to have your family, your therapist and objective reality telling you how good you have done and still feeling like a piece of garbage? If you know, you know. Reality is completely subjective i think. That's whet i have come to realize. There is not a single true reality, we all have our personal subjective realities based on our experiences and emotions. What i mean is if the self hatred becomes rooted to your soul, like in my case, then it is very difficult to be not feel it no matter how much you work on yourself.I don't mean to say it's impossible but if these feelings root inside you it's very hard to tore them apart. I have been talking to my therapist constantly these years about how i feel like a piece of garbage and that nobody cares about me, we always try to logically prove that i am not a piece of garbage but many years later and we are still talking about the same thing every other session. Why? Because in the way i see the world i will always be the pathetic person who nobody cares about, the filters of my soul have already decided about who i am and this is my reality. In my reality everything is filtered so the inner monologue of my thoughts proves to me that i am useless and i can never or at least with extreme difficulty change that. But the fact that reality is not objective is not a bad thing. When you realize the true nature of this absurd world you start learning the skill of manipulating your emotions and dissociating, it can be very fun ;).

 

[U. A.]

Hello and welcome, unfortunately.

You surely have noticed that the work culture is what gave you your "disorder". I have seen it for myself. Karoshi is real, and I consider suicides spurred by the work culture the same basic thing.

If I could give you one recommendation it would be to get the hell out of urban life and try to set up somewhere slow, in the countryside, maybe in Kyushu or Shikoku. Or try leaving Japan outright. Your level of English seems far above the average person there, this might be viable for you.

Even though this is an English forum there are some other Japanese members; @nobodycaresaboutme and @LoiteringClouds come to mind. They may have some insight about life and/or the forum.

Good luck, and don't spend too much time here if you can avoid it.

 

[madameviolette]

Welcome Anteenna

Work is not worth losing your health. I agree with the comment above. Why not finding a place where you could live at your own pace ?

 

[Anteenna]

Hello and welcome, unfortunately.

You surely have noticed that the work culture is what gave you your "disorder". I have seen it for myself. Karoshi is real, and I consider suicides spurred by the work culture the same basic thing.

If I could give you one recommendation it would be to get the hell out of urban life and try to set up somewhere slow, in the countryside, maybe in Kyushu or Shikoku. Or try leaving Japan outright. Your level of English seems far above the average person there, this might be viable for you.

Even though this is an English forum there are some other Japanese members; @nobodycaresaboutme and @LoiteringClouds come to mind. They may have some insight about life and/or the forum.

Good luck, and don't spend too much time here if you can avoid it.

Welcome Anteenna

Work is not worth losing your health. I agree with the comment above. Why not finding a place where you could live at your own pace ?

Thanks both for your welcome.
In fact, I do live in Tokyo, the metropolis of Japan. And I really wanna get out of it.
I used to live in Thailand and the UK during my teenage and that's why I am fairly fluent in English.
Looking back, that was probably the best time of my life.
After I started working, everything changed with the constant pressure of climbing up the career ladder, almost as if I were being chased by something.

It would be really nice if I could move to the countryside and live a slow life as you suggested.
Hopefully, my motivation kicks in so that I can take action towards a hopeful future as such.
Unfortunately, at this point, I lack the motivation to deal with the debt and disorder I face.
I guess it is just my bad habit to try finding an easy way out of trouble ;(

I will take your advice and try my best to avoid spending too much time here though.

Konnichiwa Ateena,

Welcome to SaSu. I'm sorry that your struggles have brought you here.

If you are meticulous, and do your research, there are plenty of resources here that might be of some help.

Don't be so hard on yourself - every single one of us have our own strengths and weaknesses. I like to think that personally, I was not built for the hyper capitalistic world we live in, and I believe there are a lot of people like that. We measure success, generally, by our earning ability, and for me, I just have never been motivated by earning lots of money and what that entails.

So while I understand why you feel like a failure, I really hope you can look at things from a different perspective. You are not a failure simply because your strengths do not include corporate subjugation, Don't focus on that - instead, focus on the your strengths. You sound like a very intelligent and articulate person. You are also a great writer and your command of English (assuming Japanese is your native language) is better than most Americans.

Remember, people who look like they are successful, accomplished, and well put together, often hide miseries that we don't see, so it's useless to try and compare yourself to them.

Don't compare you weaknesses to their strengths - that's not a fair comparison.

Konnichiwa Ateena,

Welcome to SaSu. I'm sorry that your struggles have brought you here.

If you are meticulous, and do your research, there are plenty of resources here that might be of some help.

Don't be so hard on yourself - every single one of us have our own strengths and weaknesses. I like to think that personally, I was not built for the hyper capitalistic world we live in, and I believe there are a lot of people like that. We measure success, generally, by our earning ability, and for me, I just have never been motivated by earning lots of money and what that entails.

So while I understand why you feel like a failure, I really hope you can look at things from a different perspective. You are not a failure simply because your strengths do not include corporate subjugation, Don't focus on that - instead, focus on the your strengths. You sound like a very intelligent and articulate person. You are also a great writer and your command of English (assuming Japanese is your native language) is better than most Americans.

Remember, people who look like they are successful, accomplished, and well put together, often hide miseries that we don't see, so it's useless to try and compare yourself to them.

Don't compare you weaknesses to their strengths - that's not a fair comparison.

Thank you.

Your post hits hard and means a lot to me.
My brain totally agrees with your post, but at the same time, my emotion hinders its way. It's just so easier for me too see the negative side of my nature.

Hopefully, your words simmer through so that I can think positive of myself eventually.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

Welcome to SaSu! And I'm sorry the situation has reached the point where you need this suicide website. I'm in Japan, as @U. A. said. It sounds like I and you are in similar situations, as I was also born in a middle class family and haven't been through DV or abuse. You're very good at English and I'm envious :)

It's truly sad and disappointing that you were treated like that in the previous company. I also experienced furstration in the workplace (in my case the suffering came from my autism and too high expecations on colleagues and leaderships) and I am here. I don't think you are a failure. There are so many other members who have been ruined by the pressure of their work and they aren't failures as well. It's good to have a break and dismiss harmful social pressure until you fully get over.

Anyway I and everyone welcome you. I hope you find what you're looking for

 

[darksouls]

you are welcome

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @Anteenna and welcome to SaSu.
First of all, thank you for posting your story. I resonate with it so much.
As @U. A. mentioned, I'm also living in Japan.

I'm so sorry for what you've endured. I was also destroyed by work stress, even though my case was milder. I used to work as a programmer, but because of my sheer incompetence, my boss stopped giving me any work. I developed bipolar II, quit without any job lined up, and my 3-year "career" ended. I was annihilated, completely burned out and left the IT industry.

My doctor mercifully wrote me a note so that I could get an "ID for the disabled." This document enabled me to get a job despite being "not good enough." And it's very fortunate that I live in the countryside.

Now I have a dead-end job, as a disabled worker, and living with my parents because I can't support myself. I'm trying to get a certificate of a real estate agent (takken) now, in an attempt to redeem my life.

It might be so hard, but please be kind to yourself if you can. Unfortunately, It's very understandable that you feel hopeless and are suicidal. I suppose you have had judged by many people, but please don't heed them. In my case, talking to people on this forum helped me so much, to the point where I started to recover in 2023, 8 years after the traumatic failure.
I hope your life will be a bit less unbearable

 

[Anteenna]

Hello @Anteenna and welcome to SaSu.
First of all, thank you for posting your story. I resonate with it so much.
As @U. A. mentioned, I'm also living in Japan.

I'm so sorry for what you've endured. I was also destroyed by work stress, even though my case was milder. I used to work as a programmer, but because of my sheer incompetence, my boss stopped giving me any work. I developed bipolar II, quit without any job lined up, and my 3-year "career" ended. I was annihilated, completely burned out and left the IT industry.

My doctor mercifully wrote me a note so that I could get an "ID for the disabled." This document enabled me to get a job despite being "not good enough." And it's very fortunate that I live in the countryside.

Now I have a dead-end job, as a disabled worker, and living with my parents because I can't support myself. I'm trying to get a certificate of a real estate agent (takken) now, in an attempt to redeem my life.

It might be so hard, but please be kind to yourself if you can. Unfortunately, It's very understandable that you feel hopeless and are suicidal. I suppose you have had judged by many people, but please don't heed them. In my case, talking to people on this forum helped me so much, to the point where I started to recover in 2023, 8 years after the traumatic failure.
I hope your life will be a bit less unbearable

Thank you for your reply.

You are just like watching me in the mirror. I was also a programmer in the telecommunications industry. I loved to code and was highly motivated once. Things changed when I moved up the ladder, started to focus more on designing specifications. I was fed up with building up a pile of Excel files every single day and explaining them to the customer without a clue. Also, constantly standing between the customer and members who do the actual coding (the most fun part) wore me out. I also have a feeling that my career has come to an end, especially in the IT industry. I just can't imagine finding a way to fill up the motivation I lost.

It is great to hear that you have found your own way out of despair and have a goal to achieve.
Even though you say you have a dead-end job, I admire you for actually working. It's something that I'm not sure if I am capable of anymore.
Hope you the best with takken; real estate agent cert!