wasted19
New Member
- Feb 13, 2026
- 1
Hi! So this is going to be my first post, I have been lurking for a small while but only yesterday did I decide to create an account on here. I feel privileged to even write something on here, because this is the only platform of this kind that I know of. I'm also a long time and avid lurker on 4chan but its more for entertainment as the people who vent are met with the usual trolling or rudeness. I'd be too embarrassed to post something like this there anyway.
Also i'm sorry this will be very long, please don't feel like you need to read the whole thing or anything at all!! I'm just hoping that putting thoughts to text will help me in some way :<
I will talk about my experience from today + yesterday, while knitting in other info, just in case I forget about using this platform as I have no motivation and consistency for anything....
To start with, I have been waiting for this week to happen for over 3 months now. This is because my mother that I live with finally went abroad to sort something out, which is rare. And while historically this is a time where I usually engage in an insane amount of gaming, bed rotting, isolation and starving myself, this time its different. This is because although my mother is very vigilant and caring (which I believe to have inevitably turned me into a helpless idiot), it was not enough to spot that I had a stash of wonderfully coloured pills sitting safely inside of my laptop. It took me ages to get to them but i'll get back to them a bit later in this post.
As she left yesterday morning, I thought this was it. I already convinced myself that this is what I've wanted. Actually, the thoughts of CTB have been piling on into a mountain in my mind, starting from August last year. Mind you, I felt this way beforehand, but I don't think I really understood these feelings the way I do now because I wasn't really an adult yet (although now apart from age I really have nothing to do with being an adult). Yet instead of going forward with my plan straight after she left, I decided to still go to college for some reason. I guess I felt obliged, but also she went really early and woke me up as a bonus so I was literally on autopilot mode and just did everything I usually do. Regardless, this experience never failed to let me down, and yesterday it did not either. As always I felt so alone and judged, for most of my days in that place I go without saying more than a simple hello to the teachers as I walk in, or the occasional thank you if someone holds a door open for me, and I know that everyone else in class is aware of this and probably makes fun of it. It gets worse when I mention that my course requires basically no effort, as we have no final exams and all the work feels more optional than mandatory, so it is basically just a social hangout for everyone else in the class. And sometimes, just sometimes, when I overhear my classmates talking about things I like, it rips my heart in half that I can't join the conversation because they would find it weird and awkward since I already put a big "quiet loser" label on my forehead. So I spent the time there as a spectator once again.
And on the trope of spectating, for the past few weeks this is all my life has been. Every single moment feels like I am observing it through someone else's rotten lens. I genuinely can't ground myself for even a second, despite trying even the normie surface level cringy advice such as meditation or "focusing on the present moment" that sometimes worked in the past. And I've heard that most people have an internal monologue, and so do I, in fact I always loved to daydream and have intense conversations with myself, trying to work through things that happened to me or simply pondering topics too complex for me to understand, yet trying to understand them anyway. But now, this internal monologue started to turn into something hellish; sometimes when it starts I can't make it stop until it wants to, and it either says things that it knows will disturb me or simply make no sense such as repeating meaningless phrases over and over in different pitches until it starts driving me nuts. My well crafted mask that I held together over my face with a shaky hand for the past few years has started to melt from the hellfire of despair that has brewed inside of me, and I wouldn't mention this obvious consequence of being emotionally unstable if not for the fact it started manifesting in public, which is literally my worst nightmare because i'm so scared of being judged and being different that even if I sneeze on the bus i'm embarassed and uncomfortable. Now, I would not say this next part in a literal CIA interrogation, but I feel like I can here; my "slips" appear as making weird high pitch noises, kind of like a dog whimpering, usually accompanied by me grabbing my hair or covering my face with my arms. More rarely I also hit myself around the head area, or I mutter random nonsensical words under my breath constantly for a few minutes. This has literally never happened to me publicly until a few weeks back, and since then its been happening from time to time which worries me a bit. I think people in public expect me to act a certain way as I am a tall young male, so when I started making that stupid noise and covering my head when I didn't realise somebody was walking behind me, I drowned in cringe as I saw their anxious and hurried step to get ahead of me seconds later while probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
Okay so then after college I had to get home, which was unpleasant as usual, and when I finally got home I remembered about the plan. I sat on the edge of my bed thinking for a bit before I finally grabbed a screwdriver and took the vacuum sealed bags of magic (and hopefully) bus catching sphere's out of my laptop's casing. I put them in my backpack next to a previously purchased bottle of alcohol, a black veil to cover my face so that I wouldn't traumatise anyone who would find me and a plushie I put in there so I wouldn't be alone while I fizzle out into nothingness. I also wrote a quick letter that I put on a pillow, that said to look on the laptop's desktop, where I had left only a mp3 which very briefly explained how I felt about everything in my life. I put on some layers so I wouldn't be cold in the forest I was planning to travel to as it was the evening and it was already dark. However, as I was ready to leave my house, excuses and SI-like stuff flooded my brain...
"Oh its dark you hate the dark you'll be terrified when you get there", "What if it doesn't work out?", "Are you really ready for this or is this just another nothingburger?", "You're a wimp, even if you get there you won't do it.", "What if the stuff you bought is garbage and you will suffer or it won't do anything at all?", "What if one of your parents call?", "What if you vomit?", "What if you get randomly searched by police?" (<-- Welcome to the UK lol) , "What will you do if you get there and you realise its not really as isolated as you thought?"
And so I spent the next 2 hours or so, vocally reasoning with myself about all these points and what I should do. It devolved into the usual paranoia, as although there is currently nothing better for me than to be alone, I have problems with derealisation which only really manifest when I am in fact alone. In this state I am hyper aware of all the noises around me and even the slightest movement of anything around makes me freak out, not even that, my abstract thoughts themselves make me spiral into panic. Eventually, I turned to quietly begging for literally anything to just give me a sign of what I should do because at that point, the hunger from the whole day of starvation, the tiredness, the emotions and my indecisiveness on something I thought I wanted for so long started to break me. In the end I burst into tears, and funnily enough I didn't even realise I fell asleep around that moment until I woke up this morning, still in my coat and dirty shoes, on a mildly damp pillow. I sat on the edge of my bed (this is a repeating theme isn't it) and thought of what happened at night. I listened for, and observed, and even tried to invoke SI thoughts, but I had this complete clarity and detachedness that is really prevalent in mornings for a lot of people so I thought i'm all good to go. I went to the train station and bought a ticket, albeit I was partially sad that I haven't played my favourite game or bed rotted for at least a little bit. But I knew that if I could finally CTB all this crap wouldn't matter anymore because feelings are a trait of the conscious, so I tried to shove these feelings in my pocket... and then I felt the pit from the night before swallow me again.
You can probably deduce I didn't go through with it.
Now I feel not only like a loser, but also a coward. Didn't even get on the train. I just couldn't go further with it in this state of mind, even though I've attached my whole week on this exact moment. Technically I still have time before my mother comes back but I have work tomorrow and I am so not fucking ready, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to live long enough to see tomorrow but it happened which should've been predictable, and now I have to wake up in 5 hours to go there. I don't even know if I can sleep. I'm too paranoid and all the lights in the house are on. As of typing this I haven't brushed my teeth for 3 days, I haven't took a shower in over a week so I probably smell like shit (I can't tell anymore), I haven't changed clothes for 4 days, I'm starved because of this whole failed plan and there is nothing to eat because I haven't bought myself anything but a bounty chocolate bar on my way home, my hands are shaking for no reason, the only things I have to drink are the bottle of alcohol meant for CTB, tap water and some shitty tea... I am a fucking mess and this is unfixable and hopeless, I silently wish I went through with it or that there was someone that made this decision for me yesterday and went with me and forced everything down my throat in that forest and left me there like the bitch I am.
Thanks for reading and goodnight :>
Also i'm sorry this will be very long, please don't feel like you need to read the whole thing or anything at all!! I'm just hoping that putting thoughts to text will help me in some way :<
I will talk about my experience from today + yesterday, while knitting in other info, just in case I forget about using this platform as I have no motivation and consistency for anything....
To start with, I have been waiting for this week to happen for over 3 months now. This is because my mother that I live with finally went abroad to sort something out, which is rare. And while historically this is a time where I usually engage in an insane amount of gaming, bed rotting, isolation and starving myself, this time its different. This is because although my mother is very vigilant and caring (which I believe to have inevitably turned me into a helpless idiot), it was not enough to spot that I had a stash of wonderfully coloured pills sitting safely inside of my laptop. It took me ages to get to them but i'll get back to them a bit later in this post.
As she left yesterday morning, I thought this was it. I already convinced myself that this is what I've wanted. Actually, the thoughts of CTB have been piling on into a mountain in my mind, starting from August last year. Mind you, I felt this way beforehand, but I don't think I really understood these feelings the way I do now because I wasn't really an adult yet (although now apart from age I really have nothing to do with being an adult). Yet instead of going forward with my plan straight after she left, I decided to still go to college for some reason. I guess I felt obliged, but also she went really early and woke me up as a bonus so I was literally on autopilot mode and just did everything I usually do. Regardless, this experience never failed to let me down, and yesterday it did not either. As always I felt so alone and judged, for most of my days in that place I go without saying more than a simple hello to the teachers as I walk in, or the occasional thank you if someone holds a door open for me, and I know that everyone else in class is aware of this and probably makes fun of it. It gets worse when I mention that my course requires basically no effort, as we have no final exams and all the work feels more optional than mandatory, so it is basically just a social hangout for everyone else in the class. And sometimes, just sometimes, when I overhear my classmates talking about things I like, it rips my heart in half that I can't join the conversation because they would find it weird and awkward since I already put a big "quiet loser" label on my forehead. So I spent the time there as a spectator once again.
And on the trope of spectating, for the past few weeks this is all my life has been. Every single moment feels like I am observing it through someone else's rotten lens. I genuinely can't ground myself for even a second, despite trying even the normie surface level cringy advice such as meditation or "focusing on the present moment" that sometimes worked in the past. And I've heard that most people have an internal monologue, and so do I, in fact I always loved to daydream and have intense conversations with myself, trying to work through things that happened to me or simply pondering topics too complex for me to understand, yet trying to understand them anyway. But now, this internal monologue started to turn into something hellish; sometimes when it starts I can't make it stop until it wants to, and it either says things that it knows will disturb me or simply make no sense such as repeating meaningless phrases over and over in different pitches until it starts driving me nuts. My well crafted mask that I held together over my face with a shaky hand for the past few years has started to melt from the hellfire of despair that has brewed inside of me, and I wouldn't mention this obvious consequence of being emotionally unstable if not for the fact it started manifesting in public, which is literally my worst nightmare because i'm so scared of being judged and being different that even if I sneeze on the bus i'm embarassed and uncomfortable. Now, I would not say this next part in a literal CIA interrogation, but I feel like I can here; my "slips" appear as making weird high pitch noises, kind of like a dog whimpering, usually accompanied by me grabbing my hair or covering my face with my arms. More rarely I also hit myself around the head area, or I mutter random nonsensical words under my breath constantly for a few minutes. This has literally never happened to me publicly until a few weeks back, and since then its been happening from time to time which worries me a bit. I think people in public expect me to act a certain way as I am a tall young male, so when I started making that stupid noise and covering my head when I didn't realise somebody was walking behind me, I drowned in cringe as I saw their anxious and hurried step to get ahead of me seconds later while probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
Okay so then after college I had to get home, which was unpleasant as usual, and when I finally got home I remembered about the plan. I sat on the edge of my bed thinking for a bit before I finally grabbed a screwdriver and took the vacuum sealed bags of magic (and hopefully) bus catching sphere's out of my laptop's casing. I put them in my backpack next to a previously purchased bottle of alcohol, a black veil to cover my face so that I wouldn't traumatise anyone who would find me and a plushie I put in there so I wouldn't be alone while I fizzle out into nothingness. I also wrote a quick letter that I put on a pillow, that said to look on the laptop's desktop, where I had left only a mp3 which very briefly explained how I felt about everything in my life. I put on some layers so I wouldn't be cold in the forest I was planning to travel to as it was the evening and it was already dark. However, as I was ready to leave my house, excuses and SI-like stuff flooded my brain...
"Oh its dark you hate the dark you'll be terrified when you get there", "What if it doesn't work out?", "Are you really ready for this or is this just another nothingburger?", "You're a wimp, even if you get there you won't do it.", "What if the stuff you bought is garbage and you will suffer or it won't do anything at all?", "What if one of your parents call?", "What if you vomit?", "What if you get randomly searched by police?" (<-- Welcome to the UK lol) , "What will you do if you get there and you realise its not really as isolated as you thought?"
And so I spent the next 2 hours or so, vocally reasoning with myself about all these points and what I should do. It devolved into the usual paranoia, as although there is currently nothing better for me than to be alone, I have problems with derealisation which only really manifest when I am in fact alone. In this state I am hyper aware of all the noises around me and even the slightest movement of anything around makes me freak out, not even that, my abstract thoughts themselves make me spiral into panic. Eventually, I turned to quietly begging for literally anything to just give me a sign of what I should do because at that point, the hunger from the whole day of starvation, the tiredness, the emotions and my indecisiveness on something I thought I wanted for so long started to break me. In the end I burst into tears, and funnily enough I didn't even realise I fell asleep around that moment until I woke up this morning, still in my coat and dirty shoes, on a mildly damp pillow. I sat on the edge of my bed (this is a repeating theme isn't it) and thought of what happened at night. I listened for, and observed, and even tried to invoke SI thoughts, but I had this complete clarity and detachedness that is really prevalent in mornings for a lot of people so I thought i'm all good to go. I went to the train station and bought a ticket, albeit I was partially sad that I haven't played my favourite game or bed rotted for at least a little bit. But I knew that if I could finally CTB all this crap wouldn't matter anymore because feelings are a trait of the conscious, so I tried to shove these feelings in my pocket... and then I felt the pit from the night before swallow me again.
You can probably deduce I didn't go through with it.
Now I feel not only like a loser, but also a coward. Didn't even get on the train. I just couldn't go further with it in this state of mind, even though I've attached my whole week on this exact moment. Technically I still have time before my mother comes back but I have work tomorrow and I am so not fucking ready, I was hoping that I wouldn't have to live long enough to see tomorrow but it happened which should've been predictable, and now I have to wake up in 5 hours to go there. I don't even know if I can sleep. I'm too paranoid and all the lights in the house are on. As of typing this I haven't brushed my teeth for 3 days, I haven't took a shower in over a week so I probably smell like shit (I can't tell anymore), I haven't changed clothes for 4 days, I'm starved because of this whole failed plan and there is nothing to eat because I haven't bought myself anything but a bounty chocolate bar on my way home, my hands are shaking for no reason, the only things I have to drink are the bottle of alcohol meant for CTB, tap water and some shitty tea... I am a fucking mess and this is unfixable and hopeless, I silently wish I went through with it or that there was someone that made this decision for me yesterday and went with me and forced everything down my throat in that forest and left me there like the bitch I am.
Thanks for reading and goodnight :>
