first post

[whatisame10]

This is my first time posting on here. I guess I'll just share my current situation. I'm currently living with my mom and I'm really struggling. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and it's been really fucking hard. All the sudden I started taking suicide more into consideration. Now just the thought of it calms me down, knowing that this will all be over one day. I feel like I have no control over myself and I just want one last act, to show everyone I had control and I decided to take my life. For the past few years I've used self harm to idk prove to myself that I have control. But now it's not enough. I need to do something big. Not only do I want my suffering to end but I want to show everyone that I had control and I had the power to end my life. That my life was so hard and I struggled so badly to the point I killed myself. I want people to hurt I want people to be disappointed. I want them to doubt everything they have ever done to me I want people to notice when I'm gone because nobody ever noticed when I was there. At the same time I don't want to hurt my mom or my boyfriend or sister but it's bad. This is bad and I can't do it. Everyday is a cycle everyone is out to get me. I need to die. Im going to hang my self when I don't know but I'm going to.

 

[nails]

i relate to a lot of what you mentioned. i hope you find some peace or relief from your struggles. wishing you the best.

 

[persepexa]

I'm really sorry you're going through that it sounds really difficult. I just wanna touch on the part where you said you want people to hurt and you want people to know you had the control in the end. About 5 years ago I was seeing a therapist and I said I wanted to CTB as revenge against someone. Basically I wanted this person to know that they caused it, that I wouldn't CTB if it wasn't for them and I wanted them to I guess feel guilty or whatever. He told me that he once had a client whose wife cheated on him and left him for another man. He told the therapist he would get back at them by CTB. Eventually he did and the therapist went to the funeral. At the funeral he saw the ex-wife and her new partner holding hands. He told me that if I did CTB and this person did know I held them responsible their life would go on and they'd eventually get over it while mine wouldn't. It would just be a moment for them and then it would be over. I'm not trying to tell you what to do or anything but I have always held the belief that wanting to CTB to get back at other people or to prove a point is something that needs a lot of consideration.