First Post - Who I Am

[slomowreck]

Life Recap: How I Got Here

I grew up tough, no stranger to hardship. I never shied away from challenges - I embraced them. With a savage fury as if "I was born for this!" or "Nothing is impossible for me!" I was an enforcer in my sport. I was salty as shit in the military. I struggled with addiction for a decade. However, life hit its hardest when my youngest child was diagnosed with brain cancer. I was there every step of the way, standing with her, fighting for her survival and my own sanity. That battle changed everything. It reshaped my view of love, resilience, and what really matters. She beat the odds - it was beautiful, inspiring… a love story - but it took everything I had. After her recovery, I found myself rebuilding. I focused on being a father first because my children are my whole world.

I feel that I've already fulfilled my life's purpose. What more could a person do than save the life of a beautiful child? I feel my fate was written, executed well, and now I'm living on time I don't deserve. My time feels done. I feel that I've accomplished what I was supposed to do. Everything in this life feels bland - as if I gave every bit of happiness to save my child. I have absolutely no regrets for that. I'm beyond honored to have had the opportunity.

Then I met my girl. She was charismatic, intense, intoxicating. I thought I found someone who could match my depth, my passion. She convinced me there was more to life after the terrible ordeal my children and I had just faced. I was wrong. I was just "stable", safe, naive, and easy to manipulate.

From the start, there were red flags… lies, deception, manipulation… but I had already fallen too deep. She presented a version of herself that wasn't real, a mask that slowly cracked over time. She cheated. She sought validation elsewhere. She pushed boundaries, gaslit me, drained me. And every time I caught her, she flipped the script, making me the villain, making me question myself.

But I stayed. Out of love? Out of hope? Out of sheer stubbornness? Maybe all of the above.

And now? I've just learned she's pregnant. After everything… after infidelity, betrayal, emotional neglect… I'm now tied to her in a way that feels inescapable. I love my kids more than life itself, and the idea of another child should bring me joy. But with her? It fills me with dread. Because I know… deep down, I know… this won't get better.

My poor children have been through so much in their little years and I fear I've let them down. That I stretched too far, tried too hard, got a little too selfish… I wanted the dream life where we could all be loved and happy and thrive… but I should have only focused on them. My mistake was not letting go of me completely.

I should have left a long time ago. But I didn't. And now I'm standing at the edge of something I might never recover from. I feel like the best way forward for my children, my family, their future, is without me. I've given all I have and I have nothing left… at this point, I can only hold them back. I want them to soar, not be anchored by my errors.

I'm rambling I'm sure, but I'm lost, admittedly. I am at a point where I resent those who give me purpose to stay.

 

[Darkover]

it's your fault your child went though that if you cared about your unborn kids and don't want anything bad to ever happen to them don't have any this is a hellhole

 

[slomowreck]

it's your fault your child went though that if you cared about your unborn kids and don't want anything bad to ever happen to them don't have any this is a hellhole

Hindsight's always clearer. Alas, we find ourselves here and now…

 

[divinemistress36]

Do you want your kids to ctb? Children whose parents have ctb have a higher chance of ctb themselves

 

[slomowreck]

Do you want your kids to ctb? Children whose parents have ctb have a higher chance of ctb themselves

Not at all. I have not considered that, and I do appreciate it. I do hope their paths are not destined for similar roads.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I agree with @Darkover and I would argue that you are obligated to stay alive for them. You don't do something so selfish and then bail on them. If you truly cared about your children then you would stay alone for them until they are adults living on their own. Children aren't props for your life story. They aren't there to make you feel good about yourself. They are human beings with their own thoughts and feelings. What's done is done so you may as well just stay alive for them and help take care of them.

Also, there is no such thing as fate. Life is meaningless. Objective purposes in life don't exist. Your "fate" hasn't been written and well-executed and now you are living on time you don't deserve because fate isn't a real thing. In reality, everything that you went through never truly had any inherent purpose or meaning behind it. Shit kind of just happens and that is that. Humans have a tendency to constantly try and look for connections in things and create meaning. It's something that we are predisposed to do, probably because it aided in our ancestors' survival. I remember something that my social psych professor had said, which is that, on an intuitive level, the human mind does not believe in correlation. It believes in causative relationships.

Basically, we tend to default to assuming causation. We are quick to assume that thing A happened because of thing B. In reality, most of the shit that goes around us has no true meaning behind it. Those meaningful relationships between things that we observe often don't exist. All of the stuff that you have gone through isn't connected to some sort of greater purpose, they are just unfortunate things that you had to push through. That's it. Everyone has to face struggles in life. It's just part of being alive. None of it truly relates to any deeper meaning or grand purpose.

Life isn't a story. There is no narrative structure.


Also, here is this video. It's unrelated to anything that I've said but I just happened to find it while looking for the other video and thought that it was pretty interesting


If only I could be as nerdy as him. That would be cool as fuck.

Anyway, sorry for all the rambling.

 

[SVEN]

I agree with @Darkover and I would argue that you are obligated to stay alive for them. You don't do something so selfish and then bail on them. If you truly cared about your children then you would stay alone for them until they are adults living on their own. Children aren't props for your life story. They aren't there to make you feel good about yourself. They are human beings with their own thoughts and feelings. What's done is done so you may as well just stay alive for them and help take care of them.

Also, there is no such thing as fate. Life is meaningless. Objective purposes in life don't exist. Your "fate" hasn't been written and well-executed and now you are living on time you don't deserve because fate isn't a real thing. In reality, everything that you went through never truly had any inherent purpose or meaning behind it. Shit kind of just happens and that is that. Humans have a tendency to constantly try and look for connections in things and create meaning. It's something that we are predisposed to do, probably because it aided in our ancestors' survival. I remember something that my social psych professor had said, which is that, on an intuitive level, the human mind does not believe in correlation. It believes in causative relationships.

Basically, we tend to default to assuming causation. We are quick to assume that thing A happened because of thing B. In reality, most of the shit that goes around us has no true meaning behind it. Those meaningful relationships between things that we observe often don't exist. All of the stuff that you have gone through isn't connected to some sort of greater purpose, they are just unfortunate things that you had to push through. That's it. Everyone has to face struggles in life. It's just part of being alive. None of it truly relates to any deeper meaning or grand purpose.

Life isn't a story. There is no narrative structure.


Also, here is this video. It's unrelated to anything that I've said but I just happened to find it while looking for the other video and thought that it was pretty interesting


If only I could be as nerdy as him. That would be cool as fuck.

Anyway, sorry for all the rambling.

Being a Jester is uber cool ... being Nerdy, not so much.
Nerds wouldn't cheer up my day.