BeforeYouFallAsleep
a corpse is talking
- Oct 11, 2023
- 53
Hi, i am quite new here and just been lurking for the past few days. At first i didn't wanted to post until the pfp are fixed but oh well.
I just saw this post about a hypothermia attempt and since i went through something similar, i thought it was time to share.
Story/Vent
So about like 2 years ago i was already pretty fucked up mentally from some events that left me in a state of extreme emotions for about 2-3 days. I can remember crying all day/night with all of this immense pain and emotional stress. After those days, i completly stoped having anykind of emoitions (lasting pretty much to this day). Just this void and emtpiness, feeling like TV static all of the time. It is very interresting how others are extreemly sad and wishing that to stop, and i get that since i've been through that, but now i'm craving to be so sad and full of emotions again.
Then maybe one or two weeks after loosing all emotions and having this breakdown i tried smoking weed again (my 4th time) beacause fuck it why not? It suerly can't get worse than this. But yeah it did. At the first two times smoking i felt legit nothing, like no effect whatsoever. On the 3rd i had a bad trip with loss of reality and not knowing if i'm dreaming or not. Then the last time also went terrible. The trip lastet what it felt like for ever and i tried to sleep and kinda skip the trip. In my sleep i had a nightmare of People, basically just black silhouettes, appearing at the corner of my vision and disapearing as soon i looked at them. They followed me around and switched positions everytime the lights went out (it was in a house with low light and the lights turned on and off all the time for some reason).
Before that, about a week ago, i started going on late-night walks. We live more on the outskirds and i love going outsinde at night to clear my mind and knowing that (more or less) the rest of the world is asleep and can't bother me, is just so peacefull. Every night i was on a walk for at least 4/5h. Just peacfully wandering through the forrest in the darkness, with no light and just listening to music. It took me about 40min to get to my vav spot, my refuge, where i can just exist. It is a bench, at the edge and with a beatifull view, of a clearing in the middle of the forest. Then i just sit there for 3-4h looking at the stars, listening to music and then go a different way back home.
But after i had my nightmare, i went on my usual walk and started to notice these same hallucinations of these silhouettes at the corner of my vision. With that i develeoped a pretty severe paranoia. I also coudn't simply not do these walks. It was my only method to kinda relax. So i started drinking on these walks, and it actually helped with the halluzinations. The catch with that was, that if i got sober, they would return stronger every time. Till the end they would appear more often, more prominent, kinda moved more in the centre of my vision and did't disappear anymore when getting looked at. My emotional breakdown was in November and all of this reached its all time high, at the end of December. At that time these hallucinations felt like real objects in 3D space and i just accepted that they are there. I saw random colors appearing and kinda mixing in pitchblack darkness. Random shapes of trees appeared in bright white for a second and objects like signs started to transform into people or other hallucinations. E.g. a 1m tall metal rod appeard to me as a tall man in a trench coat walking towards me, or for a small fence pillar i saw a fullout horse. These transformed into normal ones once i got close to them. I was terrified but for me it was my only "self-medication".
One time i got sober and my phone had no battery left, and i was just standing there frozen with fear from suddenly beeing all alone in the dark forrest while hearing all kind of forest noises and seeing eyes appearing in the trees. Then i started running for my life, feeling like i was getting chased by these shadows.
Method
Then one time, i drank way more than before and started going on my walk. It was late December and it snowed for a few days already. I got to my spot and accidentally fell asleep for i think maybe 30/45min. When i woke up, (it might have been around 3:00am) i already was pretty cold and kinda foggy in the head so i figured i should go now. I crossed the clearing half way and just fell on my back in the snow. I can't really remember why, but i think i just felt the urge to stop and just idk stop i guess. I just didn't want try anymore, just take a break.
I was laying in the snow, looking in the most beautiful night sky you could dream of, listening to my favorite music and broke into tears as soon this song started playing: Weight of the World (the last part of the song is just so insane and full of emotions. Love it so much idk). It is from my fav video game series NieR:Automata/Replicant, which i recently finished at that time.
Around that time at least another 45min passed and i stopped beeing cold, i stoped shivering and started to feel really warm. I opened my jacket and felt really sleepy and everything was just so pleasant and peacefull. I felt like i was drifting away and going to sleep.
Then i guess SI kicked in and i had only one thought in my mind: that if i die here, all the time my friend (which found out a few week prior) invested on helping and listening to me, would be just wasted.. i just stood up and walked home. I couldn't form any sensible thought and was just kinda sleepwalking and drifting between realitys if that makes any sense.
Luckily i did't get any frostbites or something like that.
And i guess that's my CTB story if that even counts..
So yeah it took so long to write this, i don't even know why i wrote this in the first place but thank you for reading. I want to follow up on what happend from there till now but it's 7:32am for me and the sun is already up (fuck..). And sry for this probably bad/incoherent story telling and grammar shit. English is not my first language and my dyslexic ass can't be bothered to correct all of it at this time.. sryy but thank you for reading through all of this <3
I just saw this post about a hypothermia attempt and since i went through something similar, i thought it was time to share.
Story/Vent
So about like 2 years ago i was already pretty fucked up mentally from some events that left me in a state of extreme emotions for about 2-3 days. I can remember crying all day/night with all of this immense pain and emotional stress. After those days, i completly stoped having anykind of emoitions (lasting pretty much to this day). Just this void and emtpiness, feeling like TV static all of the time. It is very interresting how others are extreemly sad and wishing that to stop, and i get that since i've been through that, but now i'm craving to be so sad and full of emotions again.
Then maybe one or two weeks after loosing all emotions and having this breakdown i tried smoking weed again (my 4th time) beacause fuck it why not? It suerly can't get worse than this. But yeah it did. At the first two times smoking i felt legit nothing, like no effect whatsoever. On the 3rd i had a bad trip with loss of reality and not knowing if i'm dreaming or not. Then the last time also went terrible. The trip lastet what it felt like for ever and i tried to sleep and kinda skip the trip. In my sleep i had a nightmare of People, basically just black silhouettes, appearing at the corner of my vision and disapearing as soon i looked at them. They followed me around and switched positions everytime the lights went out (it was in a house with low light and the lights turned on and off all the time for some reason).
Before that, about a week ago, i started going on late-night walks. We live more on the outskirds and i love going outsinde at night to clear my mind and knowing that (more or less) the rest of the world is asleep and can't bother me, is just so peacefull. Every night i was on a walk for at least 4/5h. Just peacfully wandering through the forrest in the darkness, with no light and just listening to music. It took me about 40min to get to my vav spot, my refuge, where i can just exist. It is a bench, at the edge and with a beatifull view, of a clearing in the middle of the forest. Then i just sit there for 3-4h looking at the stars, listening to music and then go a different way back home.
But after i had my nightmare, i went on my usual walk and started to notice these same hallucinations of these silhouettes at the corner of my vision. With that i develeoped a pretty severe paranoia. I also coudn't simply not do these walks. It was my only method to kinda relax. So i started drinking on these walks, and it actually helped with the halluzinations. The catch with that was, that if i got sober, they would return stronger every time. Till the end they would appear more often, more prominent, kinda moved more in the centre of my vision and did't disappear anymore when getting looked at. My emotional breakdown was in November and all of this reached its all time high, at the end of December. At that time these hallucinations felt like real objects in 3D space and i just accepted that they are there. I saw random colors appearing and kinda mixing in pitchblack darkness. Random shapes of trees appeared in bright white for a second and objects like signs started to transform into people or other hallucinations. E.g. a 1m tall metal rod appeard to me as a tall man in a trench coat walking towards me, or for a small fence pillar i saw a fullout horse. These transformed into normal ones once i got close to them. I was terrified but for me it was my only "self-medication".
One time i got sober and my phone had no battery left, and i was just standing there frozen with fear from suddenly beeing all alone in the dark forrest while hearing all kind of forest noises and seeing eyes appearing in the trees. Then i started running for my life, feeling like i was getting chased by these shadows.
Method
Then one time, i drank way more than before and started going on my walk. It was late December and it snowed for a few days already. I got to my spot and accidentally fell asleep for i think maybe 30/45min. When i woke up, (it might have been around 3:00am) i already was pretty cold and kinda foggy in the head so i figured i should go now. I crossed the clearing half way and just fell on my back in the snow. I can't really remember why, but i think i just felt the urge to stop and just idk stop i guess. I just didn't want try anymore, just take a break.
I was laying in the snow, looking in the most beautiful night sky you could dream of, listening to my favorite music and broke into tears as soon this song started playing: Weight of the World (the last part of the song is just so insane and full of emotions. Love it so much idk). It is from my fav video game series NieR:Automata/Replicant, which i recently finished at that time.
Around that time at least another 45min passed and i stopped beeing cold, i stoped shivering and started to feel really warm. I opened my jacket and felt really sleepy and everything was just so pleasant and peacefull. I felt like i was drifting away and going to sleep.
Then i guess SI kicked in and i had only one thought in my mind: that if i die here, all the time my friend (which found out a few week prior) invested on helping and listening to me, would be just wasted.. i just stood up and walked home. I couldn't form any sensible thought and was just kinda sleepwalking and drifting between realitys if that makes any sense.
Luckily i did't get any frostbites or something like that.
And i guess that's my CTB story if that even counts..
So yeah it took so long to write this, i don't even know why i wrote this in the first place but thank you for reading. I want to follow up on what happend from there till now but it's 7:32am for me and the sun is already up (fuck..). And sry for this probably bad/incoherent story telling and grammar shit. English is not my first language and my dyslexic ass can't be bothered to correct all of it at this time.. sryy but thank you for reading through all of this <3
