Hi, so, this is my first post here. I figured maybe I'd just share why I want to do this and what's happened so far.
Basically my entire life has been a shit show. I grew up in an abusive household with parents who were always fighting and taking it out on their kids and brothers who just liked to yell at me all the time for nothing. I've been sexually abused regularly since I was about 8. I've never really had any friends, either. Maybe one if I was lucky that year. My first boyfriend was abusive and horrible, the people I considered my friends liked to take advantage of me, and generally, nobody but my mother really cares about me.
I've dealt with a lot for just being who I am. I live in a conservative, rural area and being gay gets me a lot of shit. I know I've been beaten and raped before because of it. There's nothing going for me in life and if it's been this shitty so consistently then I just want out.
I've tried many, many times, and each time I either call someone or just back out at the last second. The only time I didn't, someone interrupted it and I had to stay in the psych ward for a while, but that wasn't too bad. I don't know. I think a part of me wants to believe it'll get better even though I know with my luck it won't. I just want to hurry up and be able to get it over with so I don't have to deal with all of this trauma anymore. I'm tired of nightmares and panic attacks and breakdowns literally every day. Therapy has never helped. Medication has never helped. Nobody cares enough to check up on me anyways.
Anyways. I've been rambling. I haven't set another date yet. I don't even know how I'd want to go out. Every method except partial hanging scares me, but knowing my luck I'd end up alive and brain dead. Oh well.
Basically my entire life has been a shit show. I grew up in an abusive household with parents who were always fighting and taking it out on their kids and brothers who just liked to yell at me all the time for nothing. I've been sexually abused regularly since I was about 8. I've never really had any friends, either. Maybe one if I was lucky that year. My first boyfriend was abusive and horrible, the people I considered my friends liked to take advantage of me, and generally, nobody but my mother really cares about me.
I've dealt with a lot for just being who I am. I live in a conservative, rural area and being gay gets me a lot of shit. I know I've been beaten and raped before because of it. There's nothing going for me in life and if it's been this shitty so consistently then I just want out.
I've tried many, many times, and each time I either call someone or just back out at the last second. The only time I didn't, someone interrupted it and I had to stay in the psych ward for a while, but that wasn't too bad. I don't know. I think a part of me wants to believe it'll get better even though I know with my luck it won't. I just want to hurry up and be able to get it over with so I don't have to deal with all of this trauma anymore. I'm tired of nightmares and panic attacks and breakdowns literally every day. Therapy has never helped. Medication has never helped. Nobody cares enough to check up on me anyways.
Anyways. I've been rambling. I haven't set another date yet. I don't even know how I'd want to go out. Every method except partial hanging scares me, but knowing my luck I'd end up alive and brain dead. Oh well.
