Finding the final straw

[Tiktok]

I wanted to kill my self since I was 6 years old. I'm now 19 and things get worse all the time. I think I got it all figured out now that there's no hope and suicide is the only answer. But there's something that stops me from executing it. I don't know what it is, but just reading about suicide methods and visualizing it makes me sick to my stomach. I know I'm not able to actually commit suicide. I want to find "inspiration" to die. To be told the right things to make me do it. Any help?

 

[Thereisnothing]

Your words echo how I feel..................dont wish to be here, cant find a method, reading the options makes me feel bad............trouble is answers are thin on the ground.....................noone here will tell you the right things or way to do it or help in that way.................there will be lots of listening, caring and understanding from everyone..............you wont be alone.............welcome to the group.

 

[pole]

by inspiration, i'm assuming you mean something that pushes you over the edge and gives you the strength and urge to want to die. whether it's what someone did or does, or an event that happens that just pushes you over the edge.

though, that comes from within and only you can derive such an inspiration, but that would also be acting on impulse. to me, when the time is right, you won't need an inspiration or a push to want to die. the fact you need this inspiration to give you the strength and increase you're urge to want to die, makes me wonder if it's truly you're time yet or not.

sadly, you won't find this motivation and inspiration here; if what you're looking for is to be TOLD that the right things to do is die and get it over with and for someone to push you to the edge, cause that isn't what this forum is, nor will it tolerate such behavior.

hope you find peace. take care.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I think I got it all figured out now that there's no hope and suicide is the only answer. But there's something that stops me from executing it.

You're not certain yet.

As you will likely see in other responses, the choice is yours, it is very personal. SS is pro-choice, not pro-death, hence you're likely not going to get public responses to encourage you to ctb, and it's also against one of the site rules. I'd be extremely wary of a PM that offered what you've asked for.

SS is a good place to work your stuff out. You may end up deciding to pursue life some more, or to ctb. The support is here for you as you explore whatever you need to in order to make your best personal choice, which you are also allowed to change at any time and for whatever reason.

So in that spirit, would you like to talk about what you think you've figured out so far?

Sending compassion and best wishes for your peace and well-being.

 

[Tiktok]

You're not certain yet.

As you will likely see in other responses, the choice is yours, it is very personal. SS is pro-choice, not pro-death, hence you're likely not going to get public responses to encourage you to ctb, and it's also against one of the site rules. I'd be extremely wary of a PM that offered what you've asked for.

SS is a good place to work your stuff out. You may end up deciding to pursue life some more, or to ctb. The support is here for you as you explore whatever you need to in order to make your best personal choice, which you are also allowed to change at any time and for whatever reason.

So in that spirit, would you like to talk about what you think you've figured out so far?

Sending compassion and best wishes for your peace and well-being.

I think that life is inherently evil. It is about survival of the fittest and I am very weak. So not only bad things happen to me all the time (I'm cursed), living in this world is bound to cause me eternal suffering. This is just a short way of describing how I feel... maybe it is not a sufficient answer.
I don't believe this website will show me that my perception of the world is flawed... because I already heard everything. So this is how I know I have to kill myself but I have not been pushed over the edge yet

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I think that life is inherently evil. It is about survival of the fittest and I am very weak. So not only bad things happen to me all the time (I'm cursed), living in this world is bound to cause me eternal suffering. This is just a short way of describing how I feel... maybe it is not a sufficient answer.

As long as it's sufficient for you. Maybe it is or isn't, I'm not you so I can't know that. Doesn't matter if it's sufficient for someone else. :)

I don't believe this website will show me that my perception of the world is flawed... because I already heard everything. So this is how I know I have to kill myself but I have not been pushed over the edge yet

That's not really the point of the website, to show you that your view is flawed. It's more about us helping each other to figure things out, including philosophies, methods, logistics, seeing what we're missing, etc., so that we're each more empowered to make the best decisions for ourselves.

Perhaps you're just waiting for some final push, and maybe that will happen but maybe not. It's an outside thing, and the inside has to be the one to decide. When I'm truly settled inside, the outside doesn't much matter. I am autonomous and self-determining. That's a lot of what pro-choice is about.

 

[TAW122]

For me, I don't have a final straw, but multiple final straws, so the most recent three I could name off are:
1) The turmoil resulting from an incident right near the end of 2019 with my ladyfriend (will share story later). That person has helped me not CTB in May 2019 and also has a profound positive influence in my life, then for things to blow up like that in December 2019, is just unacceptable for me.
2) The realization that my performance anxiety for my music hobby (piano) has been getting progressively worse and when I really fucked up even in the best of circumstances, I knew it was really over for me (I don't see recovery from that likely given that my problems are deeply ingrained and rooted).
3) The realization that my Aspergers, social anxiety as well as general anxiety and not fitting into society, being accepted by just about anyone (except for people here), is just pure suicide fuel. I also cannot change/influence how people think of me or treat me so the easiest way out is to CTB. Also the world is superficial.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I wanted to kill my self since I was 6 years old. I'm now 19 and things get worse all the time. I think I got it all figured out now that there's no hope and suicide is the only answer. But there's something that stops me from executing it. I don't know what it is, but just reading about suicide methods and visualizing it makes me sick to my stomach. I know I'm not able to actually commit suicide. I want to find "inspiration" to die. To be told the right things to make me do it. Any help?

Hello brother, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in such a dark place. I wish I could take away your pain and shine a light on you.
My lament is one that many here can relate to, I am simply tired of living but scared of dying. An inhertly weak person with so much depression nothing seems to matter anymore.
You are 19 brother, finding light in the darkness of a world that is cruel and makes no sense is an awful conundrum.
Shoot the breeze here, look at your options and your future, there is kindness and wisdom here that for many have spelled redemption from what was perceived irredeemable.
I wish you love and peace brother
DBD