Venting finally understood how come normal people can't stand mental ill individuals

[ecmnesia]

been dealing with depression and anxiety since 10, plus sexual abuse trauma, self harm, a fucked up family and extreme personality inconsistency.

never could wrap my head around the fact that normal people tend to push those like myself away, no one (at least I haven't met someone different) wants to deal with our mental illness, no one can stand us. friends tend to say you can reach out if you need, still in the end, when you do, no one gives a fuck, they treat you as if you were a bother.

well my father was recently diagnosed with anxiety and artrites, and started his medication. he was already hard to deal with, and now it's ten thousands time worse.

I can't stand to be around him, he's totally pushing my buttons. Demands attention all the time, is constantly venting about how he feels and using me and mother as if we were his personal therapists (while refusing to see one). He is extremely moody, changes his mind all the time, and the even the most insignificant things gets a huge reaction from he.

I now can understand why everybody left me and pushed me away. I feel guilty that I'm like this towards him, though, and am doing my best to support him, but God, is it hard.

 

[Mixo]

I also reached this new point of awareness earlier this year. It's really hard to understand until we are at the receiving end of the constant chaos and stress. On the other hand, it's really relieved me of the grudge I had on all the people who pushed me out. I don't hold ill will towards those people anymore.

 

[lasttether]

First post here. I know how you feel. I've started to isolate myself more and more because I don't want to inflict my depressive self on others. I feel sorry for my family though cause they still have to live with me

 

[_Kaira_]

I accepted a while ago I'm the cause of most of my social/relationship issues nowadays. I like to think I'm a sweet and caring individual, but my biggest flaw (besides mental illnesses) is my anger issues. Easily irritable, uncontrollable rage. It could be cause of the smallest things. But once it boils over, it becomes volatile. Effectively a pretty toxic person. I don't mean to be the way I am. I almost always regret hurting the people I care about and ask myself questions on why I couldn't contain myself better.

Destroyed every relationship I've ever had, including friendships. People just can't tolerate my actions, and they shouldn't have to.

 

[lasttether]

I understand. I don't think I was always this toxic but I've definitely become very toxic as of late. Mostly to myself tbh. I think having a lot of bad experiences early in life made me this way and then in on myself and now I feel too far gone to change. I'm also very introverted and socially anxious which makes engaging people very difficult and it gets worse when I'm feeling very bad about myself. The start of the year looked so bright for me but a lot has changed since then. I just feel numb when interacting with people, even with my closest friends.
I agree, I don't want to people to have to put up with me. I don't want to be selfish. I know from the outside people might just think just change, or just be better but I just feel like that's so unrealistic when things have got so bad and you've burned so many bridges. That's why I hope I can find the courage to ctb and find the right method soon so I can stop being a burden on my family. I feel sad though. Things could have worked out different but I feel like it's too late now.

 

[ecmnesia]

fuck. I understand you both @lasttether @ThisIsFine on a deeper level. Unfortunately I'm the toxic person they talk about and advise people to get away from. deep down I have this illusion that i am sweet, caring and idealistic person, but I can't put this out for others to see. I became a bitter, irritated, cinic person and I fucking hate it, but at the same time feels like I couldn't be anyone else, considering how I now face the world and life. I think the life we lead so far, the things we've been through shaped those toxic traces we have, not that it excuses us, but still.

honestly, at the same time I do like to know I'm not alone in this, I'm sorry that you both had to be through this as well, cause I know how conflicting it is, all of those feelings. it's like I have this completely different person trapped inside of me and I cannot aloud the world to see it.

 

[Ghost2211]

I suppose it's human nature to become impatient. It's still really sad people make you feel that way about things outside of your control. I do get it though. My adhd son can drive me up the walls when he's too hyper. I try not to be mean about it, but do I need to ask him to burn off the energy away from me.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I accepted a while ago I'm the cause of most of my social/relationship issues nowadays. I like to think I'm a sweet and caring individual, but my biggest flaw (besides mental illnesses) is my anger issues. Easily irritable, uncontrollable rage. It could be cause of the smallest things. But once it boils over, it becomes volatile. Effectively a pretty toxic person. I don't mean to be the way I am. I almost always regret hurting the people I care about and ask myself questions on why I couldn't contain myself better.

Destroyed every relationship I've ever had, including friendships. People just can't tolerate my actions, and they shouldn't have to.

This hit me hard. I feel like I wrote this word for word. My anger issues are also probably my biggest flaw and it just sucks so bad I tend to take out my rage on those I love and care about the most. I want to change so bad and stop being irratable and quick tempered but nothing has helped. It's almost like it starts and I just explode and I can't control it. I'm so ashamed and regretful but I can only say "I'm sorry" and apologize so many times. I have borderline personality and psychiatrist blames it on that but it's so hard living with a mental issue I can't control and nothing can be done.

I too have destroyed all my relationships/friendships. My 2 abusive ex's was a different story but I fully aknowledge I screwed up everything else and I'm about to fuck up my current relationship. I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me though I hate my personality.

 

[TooConscious]

That is not mental illness. That's as you describe it simply attention seeking. Some mental illnesses can add to these traits like psychosis episodes in which you oly feel the world revolves around you or schizophrenia which is genuinely devastating.
I'm not being funny but I have anxiety and rheumatoid arthritis and I'm only in my twenties and I'd bore myself if I constantly whined about them and wanting to be waited on is disgraceful for a man and yet it should be me who's feminine because my testosterone is dirt low.

 

[_Kaira_]

This hit me hard. I feel like I wrote this word for word. My anger issues are also probably my biggest flaw and it just sucks so bad I tend to take out my rage on those I love and care about the most. I want to change so bad and stop being irratable and quick tempered but nothing has helped. It's almost like it starts and I just explode and I can't control it. I'm so ashamed and regretful but I can only say "I'm sorry" and apologize so many times. I have borderline personality and psychiatrist blames it on that but it's so hard living with a mental issue I can't control and nothing can be done.

I too have destroyed all my relationships/friendships. My 2 abusive ex's was a different story but I fully aknowledge I screwed up everything else and I'm about to fuck up my current relationship. I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me though I hate my personality.

People around me openly express they get tired of hearing my sorries. I've tried holding myself back from lashing out, but it's like an itch. The more someone misunderstands your actions, the more frustrated you get. I had one abusive ex, although I don't condone abuse of any form (myself included) I think in a way he was justified. The poor man felt trapped between my shitty behavior, but not being able to send me back to my horrible family. I didn't help by pushing him when I was already making him sink into depression as well. I just have trouble understanding social ques if anything. I hate being at mercy and a prisoner to myself.