Finally ready...but nervous.

[theergorthdies]

Not many know me, and if they do, it's either from something negative they heard about me or "that guy who's always in black"
Well, having almost none to talk to about myself and my plans, I've decided to give SS a shot.

I'm (name might have been inserted here), 21 year old male.
Most of my life I've struggled with low self esteem, bullying, accepting my sexuality and later anxiety and depression which led to self harm and suicidal thoughts. I also recently found out that I'm HIV infected. Shouldn't be a big deal these days, apparently, but it just made everything worse because I'm a foreign student in a country where guys like me are deported.

My hobbies were art and gardening.
I'm also a big fan of metal music listening to a wide range of subgenres; melodeath, folk, symphonic, black, gothic, doom...

I used all these as a distraction but lately nothing seems to work.
I lay awake all night wishing I had a button that I could just press and die. I've postponed my suicide for far too long but now I feel like it's time.

I have got a strong electric cable which I have tested a couple of times and also I think I found the spot on my neck where I'll pass out quickly without struggling.
I have written my suicide note which I will schedule as a post the morning after I die, i.e tomorrow.

I'm still yet to decide where exactly I will hang myself but before night I'll have found an ideal place where my body mightn't be found till morning.

I'm still nervous as hell though. I'm not 100% sure that I'll make it through.

 

[Innereye]

You sound like you have thought about this for awhile, if you see this as the only escape from this hell I support whatever choices you make. Not sure about the electrical wire since im not a fan of the hanging method though.

 

[randomz]

Well, you need to be sure that this is 100% what you want to do, and that you have exhausted all your other options to get better. You have great hobbies. Perhaps focus on them for a little while? We are here if you want to speak more about what is troubling you in life.

 

[theergorthdies]

You sound like you have thought about this for awhile, if you see this as the only escape from this hell I support whatever choices you make. Not sure about the electrical wire since im not a fan of the hanging method though.

It's strong enough to carry more than my weight. I would have chosen SN if I didn't have trouble ordering though... not to mention that I'm broke at the moment, and it requires other meds to work.

Well, you need to be sure that this is 100% what you want to do, and that you have exhausted all your other options to get better. You have great hobbies. Perhaps focus on them for a little while? We are here if you want to speak more about what is troubling you in life.

I've tried my best to focus on them but I can't do it anymore. The longer I live the worse things seem to be.
But thank you for the support. It's hard to find guys with such understanding.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Its not easy always have to keep distracting ourselves in order to cope, yet its what we all seem to do to get through the minutes and then hours.
Yes that button you mention, be so easy wouldn't it just to be able to slip away, but that would be too easy and those who didn't even want to die would also do so as people are curious by nature with things, even things which are bad and dangerous.

My existence is becoming worse, I find it helpful coming on here as there is little or no support for being suicidal in the outside world. I have no method chosen for me, as far too many drawbacks for various reasons. I hope maybe you can keep talking to us and find little bit more focus.
Its good you loved gardening and art- wow, always admire artists, all I can manage is matchstick men!

Gardening and nature is truly good for the soul, even just breathing in fresh air. Yesterday at my parents graves I was so low indeed, then I seen a little crop of tiny snowdrops that had reared their little heads in the depths of nature. Not long after I found the most beautiful and perfect Magpie feather and seen it as a sign from my parents and nature that they knew my distress.

Its hell having to keep on trying to cope.........yet I am still here........why, not sure. Sending you love and hope.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I'm sorry that it has come to this, I wish you peace with whatever you decide to do. We are here for you if you want to talk.

 

[MsMaudlin]

I'm sad that you feel you have no other options, but I'm sending you lots of love and strength for a gentle transition.

We are always here to talk ❤

 

[theergorthdies]

Its not easy always have to keep distracting ourselves in order to cope, yet its what we all seem to do to get through the minutes and then hours.
Yes that button you mention, be so easy wouldn't it just to be able to slip away, but that would be too easy and those who didn't even want to die would also do so as people are curious by nature with things, even things which are bad and dangerous.

My existence is becoming worse, I find it helpful coming on here as there is little or no support for being suicidal in the outside world. I have no method chosen for me, as far too many drawbacks for various reasons. I hope maybe you can keep talking to us and find little bit more focus.
Its good you loved gardening and art- wow, always admire artists, all I can manage is matchstick men!

Gardening and nature is truly good for the soul, even just breathing in fresh air. Yesterday at my parents graves I was so low indeed, then I seen a little crop of tiny snowdrops that had reared their little heads in the depths of nature. Not long after I found the most beautiful and perfect Magpie feather and seen it as a sign from my parents and nature that they knew my distress.

Its hell having to keep on trying to cope.........yet I am still here........why, not sure. Sending you love and hope.

Thank you a great lot for your words. I'm sorry about your parents. Had I my mom with me right now maybe I would have had to hold on, even if it's just to make her happy, but she passed away too. What's sad is that I was just there watching her suffer helplessly. Just like I watched my best friend some months later, slowly fade away. But they were strong. I am not.
I've held on as much as I can.
I want to wake up in the morning and smile, knowing that I've got everything under control, but I can't.

I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

I'm sad that you feel you have no other options, but I'm sending you lots of love and strength for a gentle transition.

We are always here to talk ❤

Thank you. It's amazing to have people who don't judge you and care despite the burdens they might be having themselves. To your troubles may you find a solution too.