speedbaby
New Member
- Sep 10, 2022
- 4
Firstly, kindly accept my apologies if this post turns into rambling and lacks focus - I've never been known for being concise, especially when it comes to writing.
I came here initially to finalize my research or to find reports on my chosen method. Initially participating in discussions was not part of my plans, however, I have ran into the new user hurdles, which lead me to spend an extra day reading and lurking and here I am now posting.
A "quick" backstory: I have began having suicidal ideations since before school-age, which resulted in risk-seeking behaviour throughout my entire life. And just to add a cherry to the mix - I have been suffering from debilitating migraines that have been very resistant to any type of available treatments (short of using a guillotine, which has been on my Christmas list for some 20+ years, but Santa is so unreliable). They last from 3 to 10 consecutive days with no longer than 1.5 weeks breaks, which really didn't help my sense of attachment to life.
I have experienced a significant number of ODs on a vast variety of substances (some accidental, some purposeful) yet none of them lead to the ultimate goal, despite the fact that never has there been any medical intervention. Which lead me to believe that my body is displaying an unusual level of resilience to compensate for the mental deviance, probably to satisfy the universe's/life's/creator's or whatever sense of irony.
Also, for anyone considering ending everything due to depression and/or feeling of displeasure with the way their life is or whatever your reason, I can share one very important point that you likely won't anticipate: if you think you feel bad right now, there is truly no worse feeling than waking up after a failed attempt! No matter how much pain (mental or physical) might lead you to consider ctb, waking up and realizing that it didn't work will make you feel so much worse! Not to mention if you gain some additional complications in the process, which has been one of my biggest fears that were guiding my method research and selection process.
I've read of some people who were able to regain a new appreciation for living after being rescued during their attempts, and while I'm not disputing that it may have been true for them, this has not been my personal experience in the slightest.
I have finally decided to use the exit-bag method, set date one year ago almost to the day and was making my final arrangements when my 19yo daughter suffered a pulmonary embolism along with multiple strokes as a result of COVID complications paired with type 1 diabetes. Lucky for her she was already in a hospital (she was just about to be released after finally testing negative for COVID) when it happened. The medical team was trying to resuscitate her for over 40 minutes following which she was kept in a coma on ventilator for over 1 month.
After the coma she required extensive physical rehabilitation and support, so I felt obligated to be here for her to provide the help she needed. She's still suffering from several after-effects, however, last week she was able to take a shower by herself (everything happened while she was in the shower at the hospital, so it lead to huge PTSD complications), which to me became an indication that she has achieved a certain level of independence that won't require my presence in her life. At least from the physical support stand point. And the rest can be taken care of by visiting nurses, therapists, doctors etc
Now during this time a lot of my personal circumstances have changed and not for the better. And since I have been basically existing during this period rather than living (one day at a time and all that) I haven't exactly made the appropriate plans and the exit bag method wouldn't be instantly available to me within the timeframe I am hoping for. Additionally, I recently came across several posthumous photos of others who have used the same method and came to the conclusion that it will be unnecessarily scarring for my daughter. Not to mention that as much as I support individual rights to chose when their life should end, I firmly believe that an important part of this decision process should be research, which should be completed be the individual. I don't want to leave what could easily become a death-kit practically readily available. Consequently, my "plan" on which I mentally relied for the past several years had to be reworked and reworked quickly.
This realization came last week, so I had to go back to my research. The first knee-jerk idea was insulin (Insulin degludec) due to the fact that it's readily available to me, however, this method on its own has a number of downsides, one of them being the length on time between the onset of coma and actual finish line. Which of course leads to the potential of medical intervention and ultimate possibility of worse case scenario in my opinion: to be brought back to life and to be stuck in existence with permanent severe brain/body/both damage. This is the reason that held me back from the otherwise absolutely favorite method of going for a bike ride and driving into something very solid and stationary at a very high speed.
Thinking of the insulin downsides I decided to go over the contents of the medicine cabinet and see what I already have on hand in hopes that I won't require to source any additional cocktail ingredients since I really don't want to delay this any longer.
So I added a half-bottle of Bisoprolol to hopefully reduce the feelings associated with hypoglycemia onset as well as potentiate the hypoglycemia itself.
On top of that I have grabbed a handful of Seroquel which I thought was perfect since it can act as both antiemetic and help me sleep.
Then I sprinkled some lorazepam - to help reduce involuntary body movements that could potentially lead to sounds and attract unnecessary attention which could lead to untimely interventions and help with sleep.
I also have quite a bit of gabapentin, but I don't see it's practical application in this mix, unless I'm mistaken.
I'm also debating adding Dimenhydrinate and/or Doxylamine I can see the practical use as an additional antiemetic, but at this point it's also a question of quality vs quantity - the pile is becoming quite large.
And finally I'm really on the fence if I should just use the one extra-longacting insulin or if I should add a few syringes of insulin aspart to amplify the short-term effect of hypoglycemia.
And that seems like this is it.
Once again I apologize for the length of the post and welcome your comments/feedback regarding the interactions and combinations chosen in this cocktail. I will definitely be around for a few more hours to read them.
And if I do wake up after this one I will be genuinely pissed! Possibly even pissed enough to get over my hesitations driven by the desire to make sure that my final actions affect as few people as possible and do something more radical (and enjoyable) like go for a bungee jump without a rope or bike ride with a permanent concrete destination.
I came here initially to finalize my research or to find reports on my chosen method. Initially participating in discussions was not part of my plans, however, I have ran into the new user hurdles, which lead me to spend an extra day reading and lurking and here I am now posting.
A "quick" backstory: I have began having suicidal ideations since before school-age, which resulted in risk-seeking behaviour throughout my entire life. And just to add a cherry to the mix - I have been suffering from debilitating migraines that have been very resistant to any type of available treatments (short of using a guillotine, which has been on my Christmas list for some 20+ years, but Santa is so unreliable). They last from 3 to 10 consecutive days with no longer than 1.5 weeks breaks, which really didn't help my sense of attachment to life.
I have experienced a significant number of ODs on a vast variety of substances (some accidental, some purposeful) yet none of them lead to the ultimate goal, despite the fact that never has there been any medical intervention. Which lead me to believe that my body is displaying an unusual level of resilience to compensate for the mental deviance, probably to satisfy the universe's/life's/creator's or whatever sense of irony.
Also, for anyone considering ending everything due to depression and/or feeling of displeasure with the way their life is or whatever your reason, I can share one very important point that you likely won't anticipate: if you think you feel bad right now, there is truly no worse feeling than waking up after a failed attempt! No matter how much pain (mental or physical) might lead you to consider ctb, waking up and realizing that it didn't work will make you feel so much worse! Not to mention if you gain some additional complications in the process, which has been one of my biggest fears that were guiding my method research and selection process.
I've read of some people who were able to regain a new appreciation for living after being rescued during their attempts, and while I'm not disputing that it may have been true for them, this has not been my personal experience in the slightest.
I have finally decided to use the exit-bag method, set date one year ago almost to the day and was making my final arrangements when my 19yo daughter suffered a pulmonary embolism along with multiple strokes as a result of COVID complications paired with type 1 diabetes. Lucky for her she was already in a hospital (she was just about to be released after finally testing negative for COVID) when it happened. The medical team was trying to resuscitate her for over 40 minutes following which she was kept in a coma on ventilator for over 1 month.
After the coma she required extensive physical rehabilitation and support, so I felt obligated to be here for her to provide the help she needed. She's still suffering from several after-effects, however, last week she was able to take a shower by herself (everything happened while she was in the shower at the hospital, so it lead to huge PTSD complications), which to me became an indication that she has achieved a certain level of independence that won't require my presence in her life. At least from the physical support stand point. And the rest can be taken care of by visiting nurses, therapists, doctors etc
Now during this time a lot of my personal circumstances have changed and not for the better. And since I have been basically existing during this period rather than living (one day at a time and all that) I haven't exactly made the appropriate plans and the exit bag method wouldn't be instantly available to me within the timeframe I am hoping for. Additionally, I recently came across several posthumous photos of others who have used the same method and came to the conclusion that it will be unnecessarily scarring for my daughter. Not to mention that as much as I support individual rights to chose when their life should end, I firmly believe that an important part of this decision process should be research, which should be completed be the individual. I don't want to leave what could easily become a death-kit practically readily available. Consequently, my "plan" on which I mentally relied for the past several years had to be reworked and reworked quickly.
This realization came last week, so I had to go back to my research. The first knee-jerk idea was insulin (Insulin degludec) due to the fact that it's readily available to me, however, this method on its own has a number of downsides, one of them being the length on time between the onset of coma and actual finish line. Which of course leads to the potential of medical intervention and ultimate possibility of worse case scenario in my opinion: to be brought back to life and to be stuck in existence with permanent severe brain/body/both damage. This is the reason that held me back from the otherwise absolutely favorite method of going for a bike ride and driving into something very solid and stationary at a very high speed.
Thinking of the insulin downsides I decided to go over the contents of the medicine cabinet and see what I already have on hand in hopes that I won't require to source any additional cocktail ingredients since I really don't want to delay this any longer.
So I added a half-bottle of Bisoprolol to hopefully reduce the feelings associated with hypoglycemia onset as well as potentiate the hypoglycemia itself.
On top of that I have grabbed a handful of Seroquel which I thought was perfect since it can act as both antiemetic and help me sleep.
Then I sprinkled some lorazepam - to help reduce involuntary body movements that could potentially lead to sounds and attract unnecessary attention which could lead to untimely interventions and help with sleep.
I also have quite a bit of gabapentin, but I don't see it's practical application in this mix, unless I'm mistaken.
I'm also debating adding Dimenhydrinate and/or Doxylamine I can see the practical use as an additional antiemetic, but at this point it's also a question of quality vs quantity - the pile is becoming quite large.
And finally I'm really on the fence if I should just use the one extra-longacting insulin or if I should add a few syringes of insulin aspart to amplify the short-term effect of hypoglycemia.
And that seems like this is it.
Once again I apologize for the length of the post and welcome your comments/feedback regarding the interactions and combinations chosen in this cocktail. I will definitely be around for a few more hours to read them.
And if I do wake up after this one I will be genuinely pissed! Possibly even pissed enough to get over my hesitations driven by the desire to make sure that my final actions affect as few people as possible and do something more radical (and enjoyable) like go for a bungee jump without a rope or bike ride with a permanent concrete destination.
