A
Alnilam
Member
- Aug 29, 2022
- 90
I've been trying to binge watch all the movies and shows I always wanted to see or loved as a child. I've been putting them off for years because.. for some reason I always felt like certain medias--especially the kind that feature romance, coming of age or common real life scenarios wasn't made for someone like me. Like I'm too hideous to enjoy them or relate to them. I made it through watching Ponyo and My Neighbor Totoro for the first time and I was trying to watch Spirited Away but when I saw Chihiros parents gorging themselves and then turning into pigs.. and then Haku and Lin. I felt filthy--bitter and resentful almost. Like by just existing in this world I had been robbed of any chance of ever being beautiful or pure. Never in this flesh will I know what it's like to be healthy, pretty, graceful or desirable, never will I know what it's like to lead a normal life with a normal family, to come home to a house that is warm, inviting and aesthetically pleasing.
To be able to run, dance, do cartwheels, scream in delight and just be myself--without fearing what others might think, say or worse--do to me. I remember when I was a little girl, my mother left me at her friend's house and I was wearing a skirt that I liked, I thought nothing of it and was just sitting there minding my own business when she suddenly snapped at me and told me to close my legs. Why? Just.. why? I used to be very friendly and talkative as a child, I could make friends with anyone--now the idea of even interacting with a stranger makes me want to recoil into myself. Once middle school rolled around it's like I didn't have a voice anymore. I barely spoke above a whisper. I felt out of place, I couldn't run, play or exercise my voice like the other children because I was either too afraid or too conscious of how others might perceive me if I did.
Social rejection was my greatest fear, I desperately wanted to fit in but somehow always ended up being the social pariah. As a consequence, I was always quiet.. and people actually saw this as a good thing?? They rewarded my silence, they made an example out of me and my mother would just eat it up. After awhile I started to embrace it, silence became my identity, I forgot how to be a child, how to enjoy life, how to live in the moment, how to see things without judgmental eyes. I hate how this world has poisoned me. It feels like I've been tainted with a black stain that no matter how hard I scrub, will never wash out. That is, until hopefully, the day I die. The most painful part of it is--I can remember perfectly the girl I was before being infected by societies influences.
To be able to run, dance, do cartwheels, scream in delight and just be myself--without fearing what others might think, say or worse--do to me. I remember when I was a little girl, my mother left me at her friend's house and I was wearing a skirt that I liked, I thought nothing of it and was just sitting there minding my own business when she suddenly snapped at me and told me to close my legs. Why? Just.. why? I used to be very friendly and talkative as a child, I could make friends with anyone--now the idea of even interacting with a stranger makes me want to recoil into myself. Once middle school rolled around it's like I didn't have a voice anymore. I barely spoke above a whisper. I felt out of place, I couldn't run, play or exercise my voice like the other children because I was either too afraid or too conscious of how others might perceive me if I did.
Social rejection was my greatest fear, I desperately wanted to fit in but somehow always ended up being the social pariah. As a consequence, I was always quiet.. and people actually saw this as a good thing?? They rewarded my silence, they made an example out of me and my mother would just eat it up. After awhile I started to embrace it, silence became my identity, I forgot how to be a child, how to enjoy life, how to live in the moment, how to see things without judgmental eyes. I hate how this world has poisoned me. It feels like I've been tainted with a black stain that no matter how hard I scrub, will never wash out. That is, until hopefully, the day I die. The most painful part of it is--I can remember perfectly the girl I was before being infected by societies influences.
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