Venting Filling the void

[chlorine]

I'm just here to speak my current dumb thoughts. I'm obviously not the only one, but I always have a feeling of emptiness and void. And I'd try to fill it but I honestly have no energy. I think I would just like to find someone to devote myself to, because in the end even though I never wanted to admit it, I just want to be loved. The problem is how I do it, because either I get so obsessed with someone that I cling to them until they leave me, or I'm so afraid to lose them that I'll just leave them myself before they have the opportunity to do so. I'll never love someone properly, and I'll never be loved. I feel like I am nothing, just a sack of meat. Empty. Sometimes I try to fill the void with food, smoke, movies, sometimes I cut myself to feel like I am actually made of something and capable of feeling things (that's not really the only reason why I cut myself) , or I'll just do whatever to escape reality. But it's just all temporary and doesn't really help. Killing myself would be the ultimate proof that I was indeed alive, so that's one more reason to ctb. I'm wondering if anyone else would like to share this kind of feeling.

 

[Seaghost]

I am with you.

The emptiness is a good friend of mine. A long time it was waiting in the darkness. Ready to attack. Occasionally it said "hello my friend".
Now - since february my girl went away - it's here again. A trusty partner if you need one. Alternately with the pain which pierces my heart with needles.

My wishes for you no matter which direction :).

 

[Alchemist]

Mostly any mind-numbing activity works, though I usually deal with anxiety with food, and end up hating myself afterwards for lacking self-control.

 

[Alan James]

I felt exactly the same about 18-19 years ago. I have been in this state for too many years. But I didn't do anything about it and didn't CTB because i'am coward and mentally ill (with such kind of illnesses, willpower and decision-making ability are lost often). I don't have any willpower or emotions at all - I feel like some kind of drone or zombie, like i'am already dead and slowly decaying. Everything around is perceived as if I am in some kind of simulation or in hell. I can't live but I also can't die and I feel trapped.

 

[chlorine]

I felt exactly the same about 18-19 years ago. I have been in this state for too many years. But I didn't do anything about it and didn't CTB because i'am coward and mentally ill (with such kind of illnesses, willpower and decision-making ability are lost often). I don't have any willpower or emotions at all - I feel like some kind of drone or zombie, like i'am already dead and slowly decaying. Everything around is perceived as if I am in some kind of simulation or in hell. I can't live but I also can't die and I feel trapped.

I can relate. Which mental illness/illnesses were you diagnosed with, if you were? And If it's okay to ask

 

[Alan James]

I can relate. Which mental illness/illnesses were you diagnosed with, if you were? And If it's okay to ask

Schizophrenia, endogenous depression and dissocial personality disorder. But I do not take any antidepressants or medications. Seems they do not help, my parents were very negative at this type of drugs, didn't want to buy them and they always said that they would only get worse, I don't know whether it was a good idea or not.

 

[chlorine]

Schizophrenia, endogenous depression and dissocial personality disorder. But I do not take any antidepressants or medications. Seems they do not help, my parents were very negative at this type of drugs, didn't want to buy them and they always said that they would only get worse, I don't know whether it was a good idea or not.

I'm sorry, it must be really hard for you, I can't imagine what is like having schizophrenia.. Is it severe, do you have both auditory and visual hallucinations or is it manageable? I'm curios how this illness affects one's life.. I experience dissociative symptoms and sometimes they make the line between what's real and what's not a bit blurry, but it must be so much worse with schizophrenia. I also have depression and the antidepressants and antipsychotics I was prescribed didn't really help much, they just numbed me down a bit especially in the first week or so

 

[Alan James]

do you have both auditory and visual hallucinations or is it manageable? I'm curios how this illness affects one's life.. I experience dissociative symptoms and sometimes they make the line between what's real and what's not a bit blurry, but it must be so much worse with schizophrenia.

I have that type of schizophrenia when there is no hallucinations (never seen them). But there is depersonalization, personality splitting, autism, lack of will power, impaired memory and attention, sociophobia and sociopathy, extremely severe depression and anxiety. I feel like a some kind of device, robot or a drone made of meat and bones, it feels like my consciousness is dead and I am functioning only through some automatic basic programs (like BIOS). For some reason, everything is also perceived as some kind of dream, simulation or video game.

 

[chlorine]

I have that type of schizophrenia when there is no hallucinations (never seen them). But there is depersonalization, personality splitting, autism, lack of will power, impaired memory and attention, sociophobia and sociopathy, extremely severe depression and anxiety. I feel like a some kind of device, robot or a drone made of meat and bones, it feels like my consciousness is dead and I am functioning only through some automatic basic programs (like BIOS). For some reason, everything is also perceived as some kind of dream, simulation or video game.

That sounds awful, I'm sorry you must go through all that. I have probable BPD so I get depression, mild anxiety (a bit of paranoia), personality splitting and depersonalization too and it's horrible :( hope you'll get better

 

[Davy]

I relate to this feeling well friend. Can't find joy in life, the loss of feelings, no hope for the future, always lethargic and self-hating. Just floating from day to day, everything feels monotonous and flat.
I think it's the loss of emotion that makes us feel "robotic" since emotions drive us as humans and without it, living is unsatisfying.

I'm trying to do small things daily like going on night walks or mediating to make me feel better. Lets try overcome this

 

[Xaphous]

Nothing to fill the hole from the isolation and lifelong bullying and abuse for me. Refused any diagnosis too except depression(to make sure I can't claim sick benefits) family don't give a fuck and find it funny, talk amongst themselves only. I'm not part of the family and never have been. Fuck them all at this point. Sitting alone in nature is my only escape, shame I got too agoraphobic and used to rotting indoors 99% of my life.

 

[chlorine]

Nothing to fill the hole from the isolation and lifelong bullying and abuse for me. Refused any diagnosis too except depression(to make sure I can't claim sick benefits) family don't give a fuck and find it funny, talk amongst themselves only. I'm not part of the family and never have been. Fuck them all at this point. Sitting alone in nature is my only escape, shame I got too agoraphobic and used to rotting indoors 99% of my life.

Yeah I know how it feels like not to be taken seriously, like you're a joke. With my depression I just end up living like a vegetable.

I relate to this feeling well friend. Can't find joy in life, the loss of feelings, no hope for the future, always lethargic and self-hating. Just floating from day to day, everything feels monotonous and flat.
I think it's the loss of emotion that makes us feel "robotic" since emotions drive us as humans and without it, living is unsatisfying.

I'm trying to do small things daily like going on night walks or mediating to make me feel better. Lets try overcome this

For me it's all or nothing, either I don't feel at all or I feel too much, I'm just a contradiction in a constant battle against myself. Right now I'm just stuck in a room not being able to get out of bed and I'm just tired of existing.

 

[lost_soul83]

I felt exactly the same about 18-19 years ago. I have been in this state for too many years. But I didn't do anything about it and didn't CTB because i'am coward and mentally ill (with such kind of illnesses, willpower and decision-making ability are lost often). I don't have any willpower or emotions at all - I feel like some kind of drone or zombie, like i'am already dead and slowly decaying. Everything around is perceived as if I am in some kind of simulation or in hell. I can't live but I also can't die and I feel trapped.

That is such a good way to put it, "I can't live but I can't die."

 

[JadedGray]

My whole life has been distracting myself until I'm dead, but no distractions work anymore. Now all I do is think about death. I'm become the void.

I have that type of schizophrenia when there is no hallucinations (never seen them). But there is depersonalization, personality splitting, autism, lack of will power, impaired memory and attention, sociophobia and sociopathy, extremely severe depression and anxiety. I feel like a some kind of device, robot or a drone made of meat and bones, it feels like my consciousness is dead and I am functioning only through some automatic basic programs (like BIOS). For some reason, everything is also perceived as some kind of dream, simulation or video game.

Nothing to fill the hole from the isolation and lifelong bullying and abuse for me. Refused any diagnosis too except depression(to make sure I can't claim sick benefits) family don't give a fuck and find it funny, talk amongst themselves only. I'm not part of the family and never have been. Fuck them all at this point. Sitting alone in nature is my only escape, shame I got too agoraphobic and used to rotting indoors 99% of my life.

These are both completely relatable, only difference being that I have had hallucinations (auditory and visually) and my parents are sympathetic, but only after going through this for so long.