Fighting the survival instinct

[mrblock]

Just to start I do believe that I am at the peak of my suicide ideation. My problem after a failed hangin, shooting, and gassing has left me now more than anything waiting for the rush of courage to be able to sprint past my own survival instincts and shoot myself before i have a second thought and start fighting with myself again. Ive been in therapy, ive tried meds. And well to be completely honest i have hoped that it would turn me into an emotionless zombie. But im still depressed af, and therapy is….tolerable on the best days. This all led me to reflecting on the point of life. Because if in going to seek help then that would be a good indication of wanting to live. Which at this point i dont. And i have not for as long as i can remember. At the height of my well being i imagine myself dying in some way shape or form at least 3 times a day. Ive tried to boil it down to either traumatic responses that ive had since i was a child (i disassociate A LOT and actually found that this could be the reason i dont even remember half my childhood) OR solid or, i have a TBI. ive had plenty of head trauma, stitches, the doctor says my head looks like a bull riders skull with all the scars and shit. So whats the point? The point is, ive planned my suicide plenty, left notes, and im still here. I dont see that being long term, obviously, so instead of trying to get out of it im leaning into it and writing this post. Its just for myself, in hopes to getting to that proverbial "piss or get off the pot" moment. I know what i want, almost more than anything. I am ready for the pain to stop. The CONSTANT chaos inside my brain. The incessant worrying about my ex's fucking happiness. All the things that are irrelevant to me. The excuses for why i dont study, for being "too hard on myself" fuck you. For having high standards and not living up to them, and for simply coming to points often where all of this makes me completely apathetic and withdrawn. Honestly the happiest moments with my family dont compare to the thought of me finally being able to leave earth. When i close my eyes and imagine it, its like the only bliss i can taste anymore. Hedonistic? Hardly. Im not chasing a feeling, im making an observation that while emotions and being hedonistic have gotten me into so much pain, i cannot by my own nor with medication seem to cut ties and NOT let the emotional side of me completely ruin everything. So what the fuck am i to do? My therapist runs me through the emdr gauntlet like im NOT ALREADY FEELING THIS SHIT EVERY DAY. Nothing new has happened and its been almost 6 months. My mood has seen slight elevation due to the pills, but then i crash hard and for weeks. I get stuck disassociating during EMDR and then we have to stop. Because apparently thats "not good". 0 explanation. You know originally i thought by reading this i would rediscover some observation that i havnt noticed. Perhaps some insight old or new that would give me pause to reflect on the whole thing. I often wonder how many things i do are not just a cry (obvious or not) for a reason to live. But, alas, im tired. Im tired of spinnin through the shit in the same way, only to look on this now and find it convoluted, not an intelligent line of thinking but a grand field of my garbage and filth, gods creative landfill that as complex as it seems to me on the inside, is really quite simple probably to most of you. Because at the end of the day we are animals. And animals do three things(eatsleepandfuck). Our joy is in living the human condition right? In…accomplishment or….family and lifes calling out to you and your grand rise to answer the call. Some bullshit like that. I dont actually find any meaning in life though. No call. No nothing. Its fucking silent. So im going to create my own call to action, to shoot myself. Probably wont happen today, maybe not tomorrow. I really ought to write a suicide note. However when it happens, it was a rush of energy to bypass all my thoughts, bypass that shit that gets me lost inside of it instead of letting me take action. That poison that has stopped me from doing what i want my whole life. That cess pool in my head that has poisoned me my whole life. There is no good in life. Some people just get dealt a bad hand. And it doesnt matter how you play your hand if youre bad at bluffing, youre boubd to lose. Well the time is almost up i hope. The hand will be folded. Fuck these cards, i dont care anymore. I havnt in a while.