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tiredofchronicpain

Member
Dec 26, 2018
51
Dear SS, I call out to fellow chronic pain sufferers. Where are you and where do you reside? Tell me your tale. What brought you here, how long have you suffered, what is your age? What do you live by, how do you continue from day to day?

I know there aren't any quick fixes in life, but as of this, let's at least get a discussion going and learn from one another.

I am basically calling out to the older crowd here, 25... onwards.

Older people usually have a matured view of life( no offence to you teenagers and younger men and women out there), I just particularly want to strike the iron of chatting with mature people whom I can learn from who goes through the same thing I did.
 
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Essie

Student
Oct 20, 2018
100
I am in chronic pain. My story is here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/what-does-your-typical-day-look-like.4662/page-2#post-105784.

So far, it is bad enough I have not left my house except for Dr appts, and the last time was 2 yrs ago. I have not been able to bathe in the last 8 mo. I failed 3x CTB, the latest last night. I woke during partial after 1-2 min and have no idea why, since this is the 2nd time it's happened in 2 different positions. I do not want to die but the pain is too much to bear, and I have no effective painkillers.

What is your pain issue?

Edit: I forgot your Qs, lol. I am 38 years old. I have no life. Can not even watch TV, only short clips on the internet. I am in the US. I am pretty much bedridden.
 
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Taylor

Taylor

Thankful
Dec 23, 2018
476
I'm 25 and am in horrendous pain. I'm willing to bet there's a gene in my family that causes our fibrocartilage to deteriorate early, since my cousin is dealing with the same issues, and he's only 20. I used to be very active when I was younger and wasn't in any significant pain, although I did have the occasional clicking and popping here and there which I just brushed off as normal, and I started having lower back/disc issues at just 17.

Well then I attempted to become a US Navy SEAL when I was around 19-20, and pushed my body harder than ever before and got in phenomenal shape. However, it turns out that I absolutely shredded my labrum in each shoulder (and most likely hips as well — just never had an MRI done), and also really messed up the cartilage in my AC and SC joints (clavicular joints) from lifting so much. Also, my lower back is absolute trash now. I suffer from severe degenerative disc disease and herniated discs, which is just excruciating on a daily basis now. Anyway, I had two shoulder surgeries in 2014 on my right shoulder in attempt to reattach my labrum, but the surgeries have left me even worse off, and I know I messed up the whole repair from the anxiety of it not feeling right and "testing" it too soon. So right now to this day, my right shoulder is still completely bone on bone, just grinding all the time and it is just agonizing torture. I've worked several jobs with it for the last 3-4 years, and just learned how to "live" with it and ignore it I guess.

Well fast forward to now, after already suffering for the last 5 years, it seems as if every other joint has followed suit, and there is arguably not a single joint left in my body that isn't cracking/popping/grinding in pain. My shoulders, elbows, wrists, hips, knees, and ankles are just garbage now. It's to the point where I can't even stand for longer than 20 minutes, because my spine, hips, and entire pelvis start to get extremely sore. I can't wait to aquire my highly potent heaven sent Fentanyl and take a little too much, if you know what I mean...
 
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Essie

Student
Oct 20, 2018
100
Taylor, how are you getting those drugs, and what are you on? I seem to be in similar shoes as you, but they only gave me tramadol and gabapentin, which did nothing.
 
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Essie

Student
Oct 20, 2018
100
I'm 25 and am in horrendous pain. I'm willing to bet there's a gene in my family that causes our fibrocartilage to deteriorate early, since my cousin is dealing with the same issues, and he's only 20. I used to be very active when I was younger and wasn't in any significant pain, although I did have the occasional clicking and popping here and there which I just brushed off as normal, and I started having lower back/disc issues at just 17.

Well then I attempted to become a US Navy SEAL when I was around 19-20, and pushed my body harder than ever before and got in phenomenal shape. However, it turns out that I absolutely shredded my labrum in each shoulder (and most likely hips as well — just never had an MRI done), and also really messed up the cartilage in my AC and SC joints (clavicular joints) from lifting so much. Also, my lower back is absolute trash now. I suffer from severe degenerative disc disease and herniated discs, which is just excruciating on a daily basis now. Anyway, I had two shoulder surgeries in 2014 on my right shoulder in attempt to reattach my labrum, but the surgeries have left me even worse off, and I know I messed up the whole repair from the anxiety of it not feeling right and "testing" it too soon. So right now to this day, my right shoulder is still completely bone on bone, just grinding all the time and it is just agonizing torture. I've worked several jobs with it for the last 3-4 years, and just learned how to "live" with it and ignore it I guess.

Well fast forward to now, after already suffering for the last 5 years, it seems as if every other joint has followed suit, and there is arguably not a single joint left in my body that isn't cracking/popping/grinding in pain. My shoulders, elbows, wrists, hips, knees, and ankles are just garbage now. It's to the point where I can't even stand for longer than 20 minutes, because my spine, hips, and entire pelvis start to get extremely sore. I can't wait to aquire my highly potent heaven sent Fentanyl and take a little too much, if you know what I mean...

Taylor, I forgot to quote you. I asked you something above about the drugs you are on and how you might be getting Fentanyl.
 
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Taylor

Taylor

Thankful
Dec 23, 2018
476
Taylor, how are you getting those drugs, and what are you on? I seem to be in similar shoes as you, but they only gave me tramadol and gabapentin, which did nothing.
Haha oh I was talking about illegally acquiring them through the darknet for ctb. Seems like you'd have to literally lose an extremity for a doctor to prescribe you anything effective these days.
 
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311

311

Dying cat
Nov 24, 2018
779
Haha oh I was talking about illegally acquiring them through the darknet for ctb. Seems like you'd have to literally lose an extremity for a doctor to prescribe you anything effective these days.
Fentanyl isnt really available on the darknet. Most are scams. Especially on wall street market. I'd reccomend methadone as its mentioned in books for suicide.
 
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Taylor

Taylor

Thankful
Dec 23, 2018
476
Fentanyl isnt really available on the darknet. Most are scams. Especially on wall street market. I'd reccomend methadone as its mentioned in books for suicide.
Oh really? I've heard the opposite, that it's Dream that is full of scams/cops now. I've been watching WS and I've seen a fair amount of sellers with good reviews, plus I wouldn't use any type of transaction that doesn't hold the payment in limbo, until the seller follows through on their end. Then again they could just send powdered sugar, so who knows.
 
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Essie

Student
Oct 20, 2018
100
Haha oh I was talking about illegally acquiring them through the darknet for ctb. Seems like you'd have to literally lose an extremity for a doctor to prescribe you anything effective these days.

Ah, ha-ha. You had my hopes up till I remembered that I'd be bedridden on it anyway, lol. I am PMing you in a bit, if you don't mind. You are the closest I've come to someone in my shoes, and I wanted to tell you a few things I tried that helps a bit and see if you have anything helpful I haven't tried.
 
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311

311

Dying cat
Nov 24, 2018
779
Oh really? I've heard the opposite, that it's Dream that is full of scams/cops now. I've been watching WS and I've seen a fair amount of sellers with good reviews, plus I wouldn't use any type of transaction that doesn't hold the payment in limbo, until the seller follows through on their end. Then again they could just send powdered sugar, so who knows.
Bro honestly I know of legit 100% sellers of methadone. Its the same type of drug. Itll put you right out for sure.
 
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Taylor

Taylor

Thankful
Dec 23, 2018
476
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Life sucks

Visionary
Apr 18, 2018
2,134
I've got chronic pain with many other problems for 10+ years. Its long story but I had periods of unimaginable pain that sometimes I question myself and how I continued living.
 
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311

311

Dying cat
Nov 24, 2018
779
Check this out:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/grap...s-scale/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.5c7ce1beb21e

I'm not knocking methadone, but seems like you'd have to take an awful lot to OD, which is a higher risk of failure. I'd rather take my chances and get Fentanyl, to be 100% sure. Look at Carfentanil...Jesus Christ. Hahaha
Methadone hits hard man. People die from 40mg. Just get 500mg. Its recommended by an anesthesiologist. I'm just saying your gonna be disappointed because they are probably selling a fent analogue which isnt nearly as strong as fentanyl. I've been in this game awhile man.
 
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NoDream

NoDream

Student
Mar 27, 2018
132
Im 44yo and have Fibromyalgia, hyper joint mobility, POTS, IBS and a chronic disc hernia.
Can only stand for a few minutes and walk a couple of hundred meters.

Everything hurts, like when im having a cold my teeths and eyes hurt, why? Have no idea.

Ive tried everything, Lyrica, Gabapentine ( helped, but too many side effects ), Amitryptiline, Tramadol and every f*cking antidepressant there is. Plus sleepingpills and anti psychotics.

I only live for my husband, love can make you do unlogical things.
Think he sees me like some kind of cat, just laying under the heated blanket, making sounds and he can pet me while walking by.
 
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Taylor

Taylor

Thankful
Dec 23, 2018
476
Methadone hits hard man. People die from 40mg. Just get 500mg. Its recommended by an anesthesiologist. I'm just saying your gonna be disappointed because they are probably selling a fent analogue which isnt nearly as strong as fentanyl. I've been in this game awhile man.
It is tempting, you know these sellers personally? I'd just be worried about ingesting so much and then risk throwing it up and botching it, or not shooting the full lethal dose in time before passing out if you IV it, leading to brain damage, etc. Fentanyl is just a quick 3mg shot and you're gone...I'm sure you could get some type of purity testing kit to ensure that it is truly Fentanyl HCL and not an analogue though. Ultimately I'd prefer the transdermal pain patches. No guessing, no bullshit. I've seen a few sellers of those too on WS.
 
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tiredofchronicpain

Member
Dec 26, 2018
51
Hi, Essie and Taylor. My heart breaks for both of you. Thank you both for responding. It is was a long time want for me to start such a thread with fellow pain sufferers. Unfortunately, as you move up in age, your prospects decline; eventually it becomes a fight against the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics.

One man once said that pain is a "void", it follows you wherever you go. It becomes you.

I think both you can attest that mere depression doesn't reach the level as deep as the depression from chronic pain.
I am not here dismantling the "just depressed" crowd as I can fully understand their position. There is a special name in psychiatry for these groups, they call them "worry wellers". They are extremely recipient to pharmaceuticals and the focus for the green shirt groups with pom-poms, otherwise knowin as "suicide prevention" groups.( I had a few suicide preventers come up to me a few weeks ago, which is why I want to rage in terror of their obvious ignorance of the matter at hand).

All 3 of us has a daily strife with an innumerable condition no one around us Can understand.
We are the perfect targets for suicide prevention groups to jump on.

Unfortunately, it is us having to take the punches from such groups. I once called "beyondtheblue.com.au". This is a Government funded organisation but is an apparent cash cow. For anyone who doesn't know them, they are apparently a 'non-profit' Organisation - that is what they call themselves - aimed to reduce suicide attempts( but they are one of largest revenue centric bossinesses in Australia). They focus all their articles on "mental illness" and twirl every reason to want to die as "unreasonable.". To them, it is better to stay alive in a dire pitfall from chronic pain, than to die. I do not quite understand the logic that these groups adhere to, but this is pretty much what their status quo is: there is a chance you might get better, therefore it is better to live a full life than die earlier than one should. Not hard to see why the Government works hand-in-hand with these groups to keep individuals between the devil and the deep blue and strip them of cash even further.

The same argument as: 'give me a die with enough sides, and I can create a chance value low enough and make it happen.'
The problems with such arguments is that they posit a straw man fallacy. They do not show or address "unreasonableness" in its philosophical form or ethical form, and also turf on human morality; every human is here without his own consent - why would he/she wanting death be irrational if their whole lives are based upon the actions of 2 people who once had sex and on the very decisions of that moment?

If we are morally free people then, we SHOULD have the choice to continue than to struggle. Although opinions might differ, it should still be our choice and our decisions alone.

These arguments are all prima facie and based on intuition that human lives are always better to endure, instead of the unquestionable synthesis that proof needs to be established to show that this is in fact always the case. That is an if and only if statement.

In a recent article on Psychologytoday, it was mentioned that Sweden enforced suicide prevention where an apparent "liberal" Govenment goes over the moon to put rails on every bridge to cease ALL suicides as well as ceasing firearms from all suspicious suicidal people. It is also now a felony to own a gun if you are suicidal. SO the question becomes "why the numbers of suicidal lives?" Are these people suddenly smiling because they cannot "act out" their option? Ehh, I think not...
But thanks to dunces as politians, we are being mass controlled and disrespected to live in an anarchy(which the world is).

Doesn't this seem worse than Nazi/Boer concentration camps? And this is a country where the liberal law should entice an individual to live or die as he/she wishes it to be. So where does "ethical freedom from morality" comes from then?
Thanks to Sweden, if I do not want to live, there is no escape. I better live till old age or die trying. It is a mere rejection of human rights and privacy as stated by Roman/Teutonic laws which they apparently operate on. As the Roman philosopher Cato said "suicide is as a matter for individual choice ..."

I truly wish there to be a special place in hell for such lots. I wont reserve the name "people" for them.

However the focus on suicide prevention, these groups are nothing new. It is strange that these groups collect so much coin, that the president of beyondtheblue.com is in fact a bussinessman without any consent for suffering individuals and rather bragged about the total revenue it made that year. I think around 5 Billion dollars. Its a shock that such a continuous amount doesn't get stipended into a Medical/Dental or parmaceuticals( things we know helps to battle the cause of suicide in the first place), but works its way into fat-cat politicians and democrats. That the billions of dollars instead goes into "funding" for suicide prevention instead of brick-work to support those that consider suicide. It is obvious that pro-lifers and their Governments are equally wicked.

Although suicide is seen as a public health issue, it was never seen as a chrime; preventing suicide does not actually address the cause of why any individual choose to follow such a stray path. Life has many horrors and sometimes possibilities to improve are few and far between.

I want to end this off by saying I am here for both of you. I understand it is a struggle, and I choose to stay. I do not stay because of the lines of the suicide prevention maniacs, or the pro-life concentration camps. I choose to stay at the current time because of people around me and people like you guys who make life worthwhile for me.


As for me, I keep myself busy studying philosophy, ancient languages, cryptography, martial arts, and music. What makes you "escape" momentarily from the horrors of your pains, if I may ask?

-Sam
 
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311

311

Dying cat
Nov 24, 2018
779
It is tempting, you know these sellers personally? I'd just be worried about ingesting so much and then risk throwing it up and botching it, or not shooting the full lethal dose in time before passing out if you IV it, leading to brain damage, etc. Fentanyl is just a quick 3mg shot and you're gone...I'm sure you could get some type of purity testing kit to ensure that it is truly Fentanyl HCL and not an analogue though. Ultimately I'd prefer the transdermal pain patches. No guessing, no bullshit. I've seen a few sellers of those too on WS.
Its like ten pills man. You wont throw up. PM me
 
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tiredofchronicpain

Member
Dec 26, 2018
51
I've got chronic pain with many other problems for 10+ years. Its long story but I had periods of unimaginable pain that sometimes I question myself and how I continued living.
Hi, thanks for responding. Talk to us, what brought you to this forum? How would you describe yourself? Which philosophies to do you live by?
 
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barclay

Member
Aug 16, 2018
8
As a treatment advice you could try is palmitoylethanolamide and CDB oil. However, palmitoylethanolamide does also act in the ZNS via PPARα on mast cells, inhibits neutranmitter release like histamine which causes pain on H4-receptor but also inhibits serotonin release which also causes pain. But you know what happens when there is not enogh serotonine and melatonine etc. and this could be turn weeks or month until PEA vanishes completely and could be very distressful. CDB acts almost only in the peripheral nervous system via cb2 receptor on mast cells.

You could also try these mast cell stabilizers (PEA and CBD also belongs to [potent] mast cell stabilizers): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3764846/ | https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3764846/table/tbl1/

BTW., TCAs (in high dosages) and some SSRI also do this but not that strong.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19058337
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23710115

And also make sure to read this (suicide method with oxycodone/oxycotin [without naloxone]): http://www.eenwaardiglevenseinde.nl...eOzd-qjZPWCCly9OHJXRMh48WpRpjWP1l0aOUqpk_9kG0

and the full translation: https://goo.gl/kwVjDC

But you can only use something without naloxone! And along with benzos and an exit bag, maybe also a gag (for the case of vometting) and a clamp on the nose it is a quite secure way. Also take enough metoclopramide or something similar 20 min before. You can get oxycotin retard or morphine also from your medical for chronic pain. If you get tillidin first say you got gastric flu like symptomes. You can't take anything with naloxone. Tramal just isn't enough, still pain. There are also oxycodone and morphine preparations with naloxone, this would be worthless. You could also say, "it worked before with oxycotin". And also take a mortar even if you got no retard preparation. There is also a possibility to get fentanyl patches from you medical. 500mcg (maybe even more) along with 500mg benzos for a long sleep. Patches give up the fentanyl after more than 12 hours, so you would have to have a long sleep. Along with benzos it will be much more secure with all opioids. You should not be found for at least one day, better make sure that there are some days or as long as possible. The longer, the better. And you would have to make a withdrawal if you use it regularly.

Tramal is quite worthless, also tillidin (naloxone) and with codeine you would have to take ~10g. With oxycotin and benzos, maybe 100mg, 1,2g would be enough, but you also could use 2 or even up to 3g.
 
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tiredofchronicpain

Member
Dec 26, 2018
51
I've got chronic pain with many other problems for 10+ years. Its long story but I had periods of unimaginable pain that sometimes I question myself and how I continued living.
what happened man? How do you live your life from day to day? Any philosophies you find helpful? writers? favrourite books you enjoy?
 
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MsM3talGamer

Voluntary deletion
Nov 28, 2018
1,504
On some days my pain's so bad that I just want to jump off a building to end it all quickly. However, I'm planning for a more peaceful method so have to wait. Chronic pain that never goes away is a real bitch to live with. When I was healthy and I thought that life was hellish I really didn't have a clue at how much worse it could get. It's a horrendous condition to have to live with.
 
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SamK

SamK

Cloud Surfing
Aug 21, 2018
280
i'm 32 and I am stuck taking morphine four times a day. I've been suffering with severe chronic pain for ten years and have been on everything... codeine, gabapentin/lyrica, antidepressants, tramadol/ultram, all the usual and finally on morphine for the past two years. I'm in pain twenty four hours a day and whilst I feel blessed to have the morphine (which only takes the edge off it for a short time at this point) I truly can't wait to pass away and be free of it
Sorry to hear about all of you as well <3 it really does drive you over the edge when it's severe.
I've been told I cannot stay on the morphine and they will eventually look to titrate it back down and wean me off but I thankfully wont be around for that to happen... i'm lucky to have had a doctor who listened to me once and for all and gave me it, but sadly there's no long term solution or cure, not even pot would help....so.... there's my story!
 
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Life sucks

Visionary
Apr 18, 2018
2,134
what happened man? How do you live your life from day to day? Any philosophies you find helpful? writers? favrourite books you enjoy?

Hi, I don't read much or write here. But I already wrote almost everything in various previous posts (my ideas..etc)

Sorry but its time consuming to write it all again. And if you mean helpful philosophies as for recovering then no I don't have.
 
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Lifeisatrap

Arcanist
Oct 5, 2018
408
I too have been experiancing chronic pain. All these years of disobeying my bodies desire to live and be healthy are catching up with me. I once read a quote that said " depression is having a mind that desprately wants to die in a body that fights to survive." That is so true. If you don't follow the bodies orders it will make things worse for you. I hate having to be a slave to a body I don't even want.
 
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Letmego. Please

Letmego. Please

Wizard
Nov 18, 2018
619
Yes i have, for the last 26yrs 24/7 unstoppable pain, from the moment i hit the pavement after an unwise suicide attempt.
I was 21 at the time so i guess you can work out that i fit into the 'old lag' brigade & i live in the Uk
I have taken opiates in there many forms ever since, oh and it left me a wheelchair user.
As you can tell from the above it's a given that i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder before the pain, but by god does it make life even harder.
Bearing in mind i already take a lot of painkillers just for the injuries from 26yrs ago i was none to pleased to find out a few days ago that i now have premenopausal osteoporosis & the x-rays showed more fractures. So from a ctb point of view that was just another nail in the coffin.
Sorry if i forgot to answer many of your questions, will be around if you ever want a chat with an old fart
 
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lifeisbutadream

Warlock
Oct 4, 2018
722
Unfortunately i belong on this thread too. I think EVERYBODY with bad chronic pain thinks about suicide, wishes it would all just end, die in their sleep. Am i wrong?
 
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tiredofchronicpain

Member
Dec 26, 2018
51
Yes i have, for the last 26yrs 24/7 unstoppable pain, from the moment i hit the pavement after an unwise suicide attempt.
I was 21 at the time so i guess you can work out that i fit into the 'old lag' brigade & i live in the Uk
I have taken opiates in there many forms ever since, oh and it left me a wheelchair user.
As you can tell from the above it's a given that i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder before the pain, but by god does it make life even harder.
Bearing in mind i already take a lot of painkillers just for the injuries from 26yrs ago i was none to pleased to find out a few days ago that i now have premenopausal osteoporosis & the x-rays showed more fractures. So from a ctb point of view that was just another nail in the coffin.
Sorry if i forgot to answer many of your questions, will be around if you ever want a chat with an old fart
Dear lemego.

You are not an "old fart", al contrair. I would love to talk to you. It is just that most individuals are more "wet behind the ears" now. You have been through a lot. Have you ever considered preparing a talk or write a blog somewhere? The world needs people like you. People like me need people like you who went through thick and thin.

I remember only 20 years ago how resilient and tranquil my life was. I was still young. I challenged myself, believed in a "higher purpose" for my life. I had a rich childlike imagination, and felt good in my skin.

The problems arose when my age skyrocket, approaching my adolescence, and went through puberty, all the way into adulthood, and realised this was not a world for me at all.
There is a reason Disney movies were so popular back in the day. There was a reason adults told children about "Santa Clause" and the Tooth Fairy. It was to get those children to believe in something greater; they lied so that we could believe in a greater good that did not exist. Disney movies were popular because we know life isn't this nice. It created a foul play where one asks "if only my life was this way..."
In my opinion, even the trouble in Disney movies is worth living in such a movie; it is predominantly good.

Life on the contrary....

I really hope you stay around letmego. If I may ask, what is the things you value the most in life? Which philosophies do you live by? Do you like movies? Who are you as a person?

Thank you for your time.
 
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Letmego. Please

Letmego. Please

Wizard
Nov 18, 2018
619
Dear lemego.

You are not an "old fart", al contrair. I would love to talk to you. It is just that most individuals are more "wet behind the ears" now. You have been through a lot. Have you ever considered preparing a talk or write a blog somewhere? The world needs people like you. People like me need people like you who went through thick and thin.

I remember only 20 years ago how resilient and tranquil my life was. I was still young. I challenged myself, believed in a "higher purpose" for my life. I had a rich childlike imagination, and felt good in my skin.

The problems arose when my age skyrocket, approaching my adolescence, and went through puberty, all the way into adulthood, and realised this was not a world for me at all.
There is a reason Disney movies were so popular back in the day. There was a reason adults told children about "Santa Clause" and the Tooth Fairy. It was to get those children to believe in something greater; they lied so that we could believe in a greater good that did not exist. Disney movies were popular because we know life isn't this nice. It created a foul play where one asks "if only my life was this way..."
In my opinion, even the trouble in Disney movies is worth living in such a movie; it is predominantly good.

Life on the contrary....

I really hope you stay around letmego. If I may ask, what is the things you value the most in life? Which philosophies do you live by? Do you like movies? Who are you as a person?

Thank you for your time.

Thank you for your kind words, Hahaha i've not heard that phrase, wet behind the yrs for ears, but yeah there is a difference of opinion sometimes between the two, but i always say to a 'no it all' or a 'life too hard' nipper that thinks i cannot relate to them that i too was once there age, but its gonna take them a bloody long time to get to mine lol

Who am i as a person, i'm the joker, the one who will happily make a prat out of myself to make someone else laugh, i'd give you my last pound if i thought you needed it more, there is no doubt much more but i haven't had enough caffeine yet.
The rules i live by are kinda basic, i do nothing that i cannot live with, i abide by all common sense laws, but have a lax attitude to the rest & treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself.
What i value the most in my life is helping other people cohabited with their demons, if you can't get rid of them then learn to live with them, i do a lot of peer support work in mental health.
For movies i will deffo need more caffeine lol
 
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RememberWhatUCameFor

RememberWhatUCameFor

dont cry for me im already dead
Nov 20, 2018
590
i have/had chronic muscle pain for 6 years...muscle twitching, paresthesia and my muscles get really hard..so hard that my tendons make hearable noises when i move and my joints start to hurt with time - at the beginning i even thought the source of my pain were my joints.


never got a proper diagnosis (doctors suspected some form of immun disease, fibro etc) and even though it got better in the last 2 years it really fucked me up because


1. i never really went back to 100%. muscles got better buf i often have pain behind my noses/eyes or heartburn now. never can concentrate fully on others aspect of life. its like i compete in 100m race and i have to carry a plummet with me.

2. i never know if and when it will come back with full force. i lost my trust in life.

3.my social life got completely destroyed

4. everyone else surpassed me in those last years - in career and private life. when other people learnt everyday for university i just didnt had the energy. while other people worked hard at work and got promoted very soon i had to invest all the energy l got left to not get fired. while other people spend their money on vacations i spend mine on doctors and medicine. while other people socialised and made memories i was sitting at home watching tv all day in the desperate attempt to distract myself from the pain.

i didnt develop at all in those years. it feels like my life was on pause during this time and all i could do is watch other people living their life, making progress.
 
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Death.

Death.

Student
Jan 5, 2019
140
Sentience is almost chronic pain.

We all are pain sufferers. Sorry, for all who have ailments .
 
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