ihavetoleave
Member
- Dec 28, 2020
- 89
Those of you who have seen my previous posts know that I am in dire financial straits (severe credit card debt due to my insane actions) and I have no income. For context in the past twenty years I have had severe addiction issues as well, I used to have a very bad pain pill problem and drinking problem plus addictions to nicotine and marijuana. In the past several years I have stopped doing pain pills but switched to using kratom, and I relied on kratom, nicotine vape and marijuana to get through each day (and badly, I did terribly in the jobs I have held previously with these addictions). Early last year I quit my job as they were going to fire me and force me on disability that I would not qualify for, and I put myself in an impossible situation.
I haven't been able to get another job and it is all on me, I have gotten myself into a line of work I am not suited for while in deep addiction over the years, I have no degree to fall back on and my mind does not function the way it used to when I used to use drugs and nicotine. As a result I stumble through and fail job interviews now, my brain chemistry is badly impacted and I spend each day waiting to get the nerve up to CTB, I cannot fix my debt problems (I will have to file for bankruptcy) and I have no income, I am living with my parents and have become a burden on them.
After more than eight months sober from kratom, marijuana and vape today I fell off the wagon and went and bought more nicotine vape. I broke, spent what little money I somehow still have on this break to once again use nicotine. I kept spending each day waiting to have the motivation to finally end things and I cannot do it, I lie around each day sober and depressed and I can't motivate myself to do a single thing. I am disappointed in myself for falling off and using nicotine again, however if I am going to die I want to at least use nicotine again and have some brief happiness before I go.
So now I find myself once again using nicotine vape, feeling energy from this yet still knowing there is no way to get out of this hole I've dug myself into. I feel like a failure, I bought this addictive product knowing I can't sustain it and that my only choice is really to CTB. I hope at least I will have motivation to do so now that I am doing one of the only things I enjoy doing in what I hope are my last days. I'm terrified of the consequences of not paying my bills, I do not believe I will be able to file for bankruptcy due to my inability to pay my bills for months now, I am waiting to either CTB and/or be notified that my debts have been sold off to collections or that I am sued for not paying.
There is no good outcome for me, there are no solutions, I have researched all of my options, I would have to go bankrupt with no income or options to pay for a lawyer to help me succeed (which is necessary as it is an expensive process as well as a complicated one esp where I live and the legal requirements for the process) I know this, I simply want to vent knowing there are no solutions to the mess I've made. Thank you for listening to me, I am still disgusted with myself and my inability to have been a decent human being who is able to build a life and create some security for myself. I'm too old now, I've fallen too far and it is too late. I wish I could start over and it is not possible. I hope I can do the only option I have and to CTB and relieve myself and my family of dealing with me months longer now that I have the chemical addiction soothed that was causing me the most pain. Vaping only causes me more problems, yet I could not function without this at least.
I haven't been able to get another job and it is all on me, I have gotten myself into a line of work I am not suited for while in deep addiction over the years, I have no degree to fall back on and my mind does not function the way it used to when I used to use drugs and nicotine. As a result I stumble through and fail job interviews now, my brain chemistry is badly impacted and I spend each day waiting to get the nerve up to CTB, I cannot fix my debt problems (I will have to file for bankruptcy) and I have no income, I am living with my parents and have become a burden on them.
After more than eight months sober from kratom, marijuana and vape today I fell off the wagon and went and bought more nicotine vape. I broke, spent what little money I somehow still have on this break to once again use nicotine. I kept spending each day waiting to have the motivation to finally end things and I cannot do it, I lie around each day sober and depressed and I can't motivate myself to do a single thing. I am disappointed in myself for falling off and using nicotine again, however if I am going to die I want to at least use nicotine again and have some brief happiness before I go.
So now I find myself once again using nicotine vape, feeling energy from this yet still knowing there is no way to get out of this hole I've dug myself into. I feel like a failure, I bought this addictive product knowing I can't sustain it and that my only choice is really to CTB. I hope at least I will have motivation to do so now that I am doing one of the only things I enjoy doing in what I hope are my last days. I'm terrified of the consequences of not paying my bills, I do not believe I will be able to file for bankruptcy due to my inability to pay my bills for months now, I am waiting to either CTB and/or be notified that my debts have been sold off to collections or that I am sued for not paying.
There is no good outcome for me, there are no solutions, I have researched all of my options, I would have to go bankrupt with no income or options to pay for a lawyer to help me succeed (which is necessary as it is an expensive process as well as a complicated one esp where I live and the legal requirements for the process) I know this, I simply want to vent knowing there are no solutions to the mess I've made. Thank you for listening to me, I am still disgusted with myself and my inability to have been a decent human being who is able to build a life and create some security for myself. I'm too old now, I've fallen too far and it is too late. I wish I could start over and it is not possible. I hope I can do the only option I have and to CTB and relieve myself and my family of dealing with me months longer now that I have the chemical addiction soothed that was causing me the most pain. Vaping only causes me more problems, yet I could not function without this at least.