Feelings of unending loneliness

[card1nal]

I know that my struggles with feeling lonely despite having people to go to is because of my shitty childhood, but I don't know how to get past that mental roadblock. I feel like everyone, especially the people I love the most, will never truly care for me. I feel like I will inevitably disappoint them and that they'll leave me. I know, logically, this is not true, and my loved ones have reassured me, but I cannot get past it. Nothing they say can satiate my brain, and I feel so weak facing my own beliefs. I don't know how to change, and I'm scared. I don't want to die, but I feel so tired. I think they can tell that I'm spiraling again, and their inaction makes me afraid. I'm responsible for myself, they don't owe me their help, but my brain concocts all these different reasons why no one will do anything for me.

They secretly despise you, they want you to get worse. They don't care enough to notice how bad it is. They care more about others and themselves than you. They don't think there's anything wrong with you. They think you want attention.

I feel terrible even questioning their motives and actions. Of course, they care. Of course, they don't want me dead. But I feel so invisible. So insignificant.

I know I'm just going through an episode right now, but even outside of that, I am plagued by this constant loneliness. It kills me inside. I feel like I am not living.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

First off I really enjoy your pfp it's so wonderful!

Hm I think I've had similar feelings concerning feeling alone while being surrounded by people and feeling alone even when I am actively trying to convince myself I love someone and they love me.

I think what I realize about how or why I feel alone or even lonely is that people are fickle. I've seen it and I've learned it over my life. Relationships are complicated and yet so simple. People want things from people they desire to share emotions or time or love or w/e people enjoy sharing with others to ease their own minds and desires. I've noticed a lot of people can't be alone for long periods of time. They grow bored and anxious when they're alone too much and it's as if they would disappear if they couldn't find someone to bounce their needs or desires off of. They bounce these feelings and emotions off people in hopes of getting something either exactly the same as what they feel they're putting out there or something very similar to it. Other people bounce these things off people for other things like laughter or teasing or banter. It can change between people and groups of people.

Concerning people mostly being interested in themselves I think a lot or most people are like that. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I don't think being selfish is automatically a bad thing. Our intentions are based on our own motivations and desires first and foremost before they are about anyone else. Adding people to it can be hard to describe. I find I have to pat people on the back as much as they pat me on the back so these people don't end up feeling like they're being used or one of us is too needy or more needy than the other person. And we trade these pats through nonphysical means such as kindness or we amuse and entertain each other. Keep each other busy and occupied here and there. It can be mindless and it can be complex. I find the more simple it feels to me the more safe I feel with these people. The more complex it ends up feeling the more stressful these relationships can end up becoming.

When I do feel like someone is giving me more than I can repay them it can also make me feel stupid and worthless and like a burden. I question why these people stick around knowing I have barely anything to offer them. But I also feel that these people find some joy in being the bigger person the person who has more to offer me and can and do mostly expect less from me in return it is as if they have so much love or kindness or time to spend that they share it with me when they have too much of it because it can seem like to me that having too much love or whatever one feels one has too much of as a positive emotion or feeling they have to find somewhere to let it out and feel like it's not being wasted just evaporating into space and time.

It's funny to think that we can be burdened by an excess of both positive and negative emotions and when we don't find anyone or anything to pour these feelings onto we can feel stupid and worthless and like a burden. Humans are such interesting and strange creatures. Haha.

Concerning the feelings of insignificance I think what helps me with that one is knowing that life itself outside this planet is mostly insignificant. There is no "point" to life and I can honestly say even my life gets more and more pointless and insignificant the farther it gets away from my body if I reach my arms out fully and extend my hands out straight that bubble that I am in is surrounded by the air as far as I can reach. Outside it? My life gets more and more insignificant and pointless the farther away I feel from other people or the world or the universe. And that's ok. Everyone is insignificant to someone. Most people we will never know and the people we do know? It's like we will never be able to know them as well as they know themselves. I don't think people being selfish in most aspects of their lives or themselves makes these people bad people either. One can be selfish and not greedy. One can want love and not feel sexual lust. God if humans could be rocks I could stack these rocks up piece by piece and subtract the rocks I didn't like and add the ones that were more agreeable to me and I might build the perfect golem.

Loneliness, feeling alone, and isolation. I can feel lonely but not alone and I can be alone and not isolate myself. It's all so absurd but does it really need to make any sense? The more I think about it the more I understand that I am as stupid as the world is absurd. To ever say I know absolutely what is right or wrong or the best way to fix anything I hold my stupidness in my own hands and strangle it.

 

[card1nal]

First off I really enjoy your pfp it's so wonderful!

Thank you so much!! I love the artist's work. (Their name is Rae Klein if you want to see more!)

I think what I realize about how or why I feel alone or even lonely is that people are fickle.

I agree and disagree. I do think that people are fickle, and I find it kind of beautiful how people weave in and out of each other's lives, for whatever odd reasons. However, I believe that people are generally capable of being like I am, caring at least some amount for everyone who crosses my path and enters my life without it being inherently selfish. I try to have a good give-and-take with the people around me, but I think my fear of being unloveable or undeserving might be what is holding me back specifically in feeling loved or less alone. I'm currently going through a lot of mood swings and a possible psychotic episode, and I've realized since my initial post that a big issue of mine is closing myself off when receiving love for fear of it being ripped from me.

My life gets more and more insignificant and pointless the farther away I feel from other people or the world or the universe.

It is this exact mindset that was making me spiral I think lol. Dissociation has been my main form of coping since childhood, and I would use it to feel far away. If I was a husk, then I wouldn't have to matter to others, and others wouldn't have to matter to me. If I convinced myself that my existence meant nothing, I never had to reach out or deal with the consequences. Now I'm 19, don't know how to drive, have hardly any friends, and struggle with things like making my own appointments or living on my own! I don't feel like my life is insignificant, at my very core; in fact, I feel like everything and everyone is significant to the extreme. I love everyone and everything. I've just numbed myself to feel the opposite so I don't have to deal with the hurt of rejection, loss, or lack of control.

Not to say this is your or anyone else's case, just my own. I really do love hearing your perspective, so thank you so much for replying!! It genuinely helped me to work through my own thoughts. I still feel lonely, but I'm not as in the depths as I was before. If you ever wanna talk about art or anything else, just message me!

 

[derpyderpins]

They secretly despise you, they want you to get worse. They don't care enough to notice how bad it is. They care more about others and themselves than you. They don't think there's anything wrong with you. They think you want attention.

"Themselves" is the big one. The suggestion being that once you aren't carrying your weight you'll be dropped like a sack of bricks. This makes the cycle continue: feel worse about yourself => break down and provide less => be passive, which is unappealing => now you aren't providing as much to them => worry they'll leave => feel worse.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I know that my struggles with feeling lonely despite having people to go to is because of my shitty childhood, but I don't know how to get past that mental roadblock. I feel like everyone, especially the people I love the most, will never truly care for me. I feel like I will inevitably disappoint them and that they'll leave me. I know, logically, this is not true, and my loved ones have reassured me, but I cannot get past it. Nothing they say can satiate my brain, and I feel so weak facing my own beliefs. I don't know how to change, and I'm scared. I don't want to die, but I feel so tired. I think they can tell that I'm spiraling again, and their inaction makes me afraid. I'm responsible for myself, they don't owe me their help, but my brain concocts all these different reasons why no one will do anything for me.

They secretly despise you, they want you to get worse. They don't care enough to notice how bad it is. They care more about others and themselves than you. They don't think there's anything wrong with you. They think you want attention.

I feel terrible even questioning their motives and actions. Of course, they care. Of course, they don't want me dead. But I feel so invisible. So insignificant.

I know I'm just going through an episode right now, but even outside of that, I am plagued by this constant loneliness. It kills me inside. I feel like I am not living.

Yeah I mean I have the same thoughts except I desperately needed help and still do. I have posted my story several times so I won't here. Unfortunately, no one cared or wanted to. Hard not to concoct reasons why and they are never good. So I understand it completely. As far as loneliness... Yeah I get that completely too. I'm not sure what it is like to have a friend as it has been so long. A social life? ha what's that? People who care? I don't understand. What is that like. So yeah I get you.