Feelings and thoughts about a certain CTB

[Valhala]

Until now, this feeling that I have a way out (SN and the rest) gave me some peace and security, but now, when it seems that the hour of CTB is approaching, I feel some discomfort and like a barrier and a wall. I wouldn't call it fear, but definitely a negative feeling. Only when I think of her, my greatest love, which is why I started thinking about CTB because without her, my life has become completely meaningless, I feel some lightness and some force that pulls me to do it. All the rest of life the difficulties give me that bad feeling about CTB. I'm thinking if it's a sign that it's not time to leave yet or maybe I should at least try to solve these other (resolvable) problems and then leave calmly knowing that she is the main and basic reason for my leaving.