That exhaustion is very real, whether you are young or old. Being younger doesn't mean you've necessarily got less reason to ctb. And, as OP has now said, it's been like this for years for him. I'm not much older than them, and I've also felt the way I have for around a decade or so.
Public settings can greatly increase one's anxiety and exhaustion, especially if one is neither an extrovert nor someone with high esteem, confidence, or a feeling of security.
We need not gatekeep suicide as an option -- bad enough the pro-lifers are against it completely. Why should we follow in their footsteps? It's true, I think it's a shame when anyone is at that point with their suffering at which they contemplate death. However, my own personal feelings should never invalidate theirs. They feel the way they do for a reason, and they wish for a way out for a reason. They do not owe us the whys, hows, and whats of their situation.
Share as much as you wish, and don't feel pressured to share any more than that, Morb.
SI is a verifiable pain in the ass when you're in that position.
I think sedating yourself in some way, or finding some method which triggers it less might be useful if you are afraid... Preparation is a good idea. There are a few threads if you spend enough time looking through this place, that might give a few good tips -- sorry that I can't be any help there --. And heck, you might even find more places to vent on here and/or something to distract yourself from the fear of things failing.
I see you've only got 2 posts here thus far and you've only joined yesterday. Try taking some time to just get to know the community and read through the threads. Hey, there might be more than just advice on ctb here. Maybe you'll find more folks relating to your anxieties -- haven't been diagnosed, but I might have social and general anxiety... it's a literal pain at times --, and maybe even some advice for that.
Overdosing can be a bit of a pain to work out. Some things aren't as harmful as others, even when they all tell you to immediately call emergency services if you consume too much at once. Figured that one out by myself when I was younger.
'' And the SI will have you purge the contents.
Social rejection sucks. And the consequences are lasting. Had that throughout primary school, barely got better in highschool, then at the end, my "friendships" crashed and burned (so much for all those best friends forever trinkets, I guess...), and now in university, I'm ping-ponging between "wait, they want me to be a part of their group" and "oh, I'm guessing they just wanted to feel better about themselves by helping the loner" or "they probably think I'm a weirdo/freak" constantly.
As per your academic performance, comparing yourself to others rarely helps in self-improvement. You can use it as encouragement, but I wouldn't stress about it too much. I know that's probably not gonna help much -- I mean, I had that too, several times, in several subjects and I'm not so sure if this advice would've done much for me -- but we all learn at our own pace and we're all better/worse at different things. I've come to accept I'll just never be top of class in anything. Can't say it made me feel good, but at least it took some of the stress away of trying to keep up with others.
Exams are stressful. If there was another way to go about figuring out where our strengths and weaknesses lie in academia, that'd be great. However, once they're over, that's it. The world won't implode whether you pass or fail. And, even if it did, correlation doesn't equal causation. It wouldn't have been your fault. If you don't end up opting for suicide, put in what work you feel you can put in, and try to avoid thinking about the what-ifs. Yeah, having good academic qualifications is handy, but not having them is not the end of your employability.
We live in the 21st century. There's apprenticeships, and more regular - if lower-paid - jobs. But you can also be self-employed. A YouTuber, a streamer, an influencer, a vlogger...
Yeah, it's tough, no matter which option you choose. You're gonna get highs and lows. It won't work out for everyone. But there is a chance.
Do you feel like you have to do well in academia? Are there parental expectations? You don't have to answer these questions. Though, if I can say something, your parent's opinions on these things are not fact. You needn't depend on their approval. If it's pressure from family or friends, then it might be better to let go of those people. Have teachers implied in some way that you won't achieve much if you can't do well enough in school? And do you really think they're the experts in this? They only know about a small part of your potential, and that's whatever subject they teach you. Being academically smart is only one form of smarts. It's only one part of a potentially successful person, and you can make up for it in other ways.
And, actually, just because you don't perform
as well in exams, doesn't mean you're not good at academic subjects. It could be the learning method, or testing method that impacts your results. It could be that you're very good at some but then terrible at others, and where you struggle it drags down the average -- but that's just the way it is, there wouldn't be anything wrong with you if it were that way. Academia is not tailored to each individual. It's no wonder so many have limited success in it. It's also different in different environments. I mean, I read an article once, which showed that the ability for students to pass at a certain education level varied between schools - with some having as much as an 80%+ rate in successfully passing five classes at a certain level in one year, and some having only 40% or
lower. My highschool was one of those with lower success rates. Even before Covid hit. But even from those schools with high success rates, I would never judge the students who didn't quite make it.
Anyway, sorry for the long post.
At the end of the day, whichever path you choose, I hope you can ease your anxieties and I respect your decision. No one deserves endless suffering.
