suffocatingseraphim
⸙𖦹killing the self as to protect it from harm𖦹⸙
- Feb 6, 2020
- 105
As of late, my overall reaction to everything has dulled down to nearly nothing. Or, varying on the scenario, it'll come to extremes over very stupid things. I'll feel incredibly numb in regards to tte state of the world, or seeing a tragedy, or hearing something horrible. It's like my empathy has been wiped somewhat, which is odd, since I used to react at the drop of a hat. I'd cry over people or scenarios I hadn't the first idea about.
It's not that I don't care, per say, some part of me does. I've always been an empath, but I think it's finally begun fizzling out.
It's like my head is a completely blank, still tidepool, and whatever ripple comes in on occasion is just a repetition of the last one. I try to remember what my old reactions would be, so I can copy and project them as needed to grant 'normal' responses. So I don't freak out my family and friends too much.
Not fully unrelated, but, I smoked my first cigarette today. My mom has chain smoked every day since 2 weeks after I was born, a pack or more a day, and I fucking hate cigarettes. Though I hate them as much as I hate myself, so why not put them together. My lungs are already fucked as is from her all but hotboxing her car and house with me in it since I was a baby. So I might as well.
Hell, if it'll ruin my body faster before I CTB this year, by all means. At least it's calmed me down.
long and short- this is the numbest I've ever felt in my life, and I'm glad. Feeling this dull will make killing myself that much easier. So I'm happy about that.
I'm leaning into relapsing tonight with self harm just to take the edge off of things right now. With how my living scenario is. Hoping seeing enough blood might do something. If not, oh well I guess.
It's not that I don't care, per say, some part of me does. I've always been an empath, but I think it's finally begun fizzling out.
It's like my head is a completely blank, still tidepool, and whatever ripple comes in on occasion is just a repetition of the last one. I try to remember what my old reactions would be, so I can copy and project them as needed to grant 'normal' responses. So I don't freak out my family and friends too much.
Not fully unrelated, but, I smoked my first cigarette today. My mom has chain smoked every day since 2 weeks after I was born, a pack or more a day, and I fucking hate cigarettes. Though I hate them as much as I hate myself, so why not put them together. My lungs are already fucked as is from her all but hotboxing her car and house with me in it since I was a baby. So I might as well.
Hell, if it'll ruin my body faster before I CTB this year, by all means. At least it's calmed me down.
long and short- this is the numbest I've ever felt in my life, and I'm glad. Feeling this dull will make killing myself that much easier. So I'm happy about that.
I'm leaning into relapsing tonight with self harm just to take the edge off of things right now. With how my living scenario is. Hoping seeing enough blood might do something. If not, oh well I guess.
