Venting Feeling the call of the Void

[Cant Maintain]

I originally had the idea set in my head of going 11/28 to give myself plenty of time to think about things but fuck. FUCK that date is so far off and I feel this call to just fucking do this thing EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. I can't get it out of my head. I wake up I want to die. The space between episodes of something, or just some time alone. Want to die. Spend time with friends, they leave or fall asleep. Death. Constantly. I've had several hospital stays recently over some cyclic vomiting issues, good news. LOTS of anti-emetics (including supository promethyzine) and meto. The worst part is my entire passion lies within cannabis. I love to tend to plants, I love to smoke it. I love to produce things using it. All the doctors love to toss at me is that "oh stop smoking weed" over some mysterious link to a cyclic vomiting disorder related to it, but that isn't it. I've had this happen before when I took a long ass break from it; and even if it is, its like chopping the fingers off a guitarist. What else do I have left? All I'm good at is growing and selling weed. And even if its not the weed thing and its something else, its TORTUROUS. As if being trans and a fucking depressed sack of shit wasn't enough, this is just the nail in the coffin. I don't feel taken seriously by doctors. Don't feel taken seriously by psychologists or therapists. Friends can tell something is wrong, but not enough to KNOW, and keep trying to force love on me, but I feel like a numb unfeeling monster. I just want to continue on my path to taking SN, but my options are severely limited. I could take it in the garage at my friends house, but people are home constantly, they're accustomed to the sound of me vomiting, but I also don't want them to find my body. I could take a sleeping bag out to a nice concealed spot and do the deed, but going cold and vulnerable is....unappealing. A thought finally occurred to me, I'm a keyholder at work and could simply go through the motions till everyone leaves with a sleeping bag tucked away (I'm houseless, sleeping on a friends couch and this will arouse no suspicion) wait for people to leave, then set up a preset email that delivers 4 hours later and leave as much warning not to enter the bathroom as possible and to just call paramedics.
I wish I could send a delayed text message that would work but i just don't know where to even begin to look for something like that.
And fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK multiple personalities suck.
THC used to help me suppress my dreams but I haven't been able to smoke it and all I can dream about is my dead friends, especially the one that went to this method and its fucking goading us. I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't ask to be trans, or disowned, or poor, or alive. Why am I forced to fucking stick around when I don't want to to uphold some self imposed date. As it stands, I CTB at my earliest convenience, which may be 2-3 weeks. I don't care anymore, and dammit, why should I at this point?
I also want to finish my note before I go, but I've NEVER been good at writing with deadlines.

 

[Lilacmoon]

Hey friend. Do what you have to do. It was nice having you around in the chatroom with us. You'll be missed <3

 

[flatearth]

I originally had the idea set in my head of going 11/28 to give myself plenty of time to think about things but fuck. FUCK that date is so far off....
Why am I forced to fucking stick around when I don't want to to uphold some self imposed date. As it stands, I CTB at my earliest convenience, which may be 2-3 weeks. I don't care anymore, and dammit, why should I at this point?
I also want to finish my note before I go, but I've NEVER been good at writing with deadlines.

nothing about this deadline seems good. is there a reason you have to do it on this date?

 

[Cant Maintain]

nothing about this deadline seems good. is there a reason you have to do it on this date?

I wanted to go 4 months after my friend in some haughty hope that we'd meet up.

 

[flatearth]

I wanted to go 4 months after my friend in some haughty hope that we'd meet up.

maybe you still can
instead of having a specific day, just let your deadline be "sometime in november" for now? it can be a lot of pressure having a pre-decided, circled date on a calendar marking your last day on earth. perhaps you could write out your note first, and do anything else important you have to do, then decide what day you will catch the bus?

 

[Cant Maintain]

Updates: Been working on the note here and there. I found a place to burn my ass for hella cheap which is a huge relief.

I'm wondering about maybe removing antacids from my kit after a bit of reading, but...any opinions on that? It's Gaviscon: Extra Strength.

 

[rt1989526]

Updates: Been working on the note here and there. I found a place to burn my ass for hella cheap which is a huge relief.

I'm wondering about maybe removing antacids from my kit after a bit of reading, but...any opinions on that?

Why remove antacids?

 

[Cant Maintain]

Why remove antacids?

Conflicting reads that it isn't beneficial in wiki section? Perhaps I read it wrong

 

[Ghost2211]

Conflicting reads that it isn't beneficial in wiki section? Perhaps I read it wrong

I don't get the impression they are that important, but rather more of a way to try to make things work faster. Plenty of people died without them, so I'll likely skip them as well.

 

[Silver]

Could you rent a hotel room?

 

[Cant Maintain]

Could you rent a hotel room?

nope, not a chance.

I don't get the impression they are that important, but rather more of a way to try to make things work faster. Plenty of people died without them, so I'll likely skip them as well.

If it makes things work faster I absolutely won't be removing, but the cherry flavor... BLECH. I don't wanna wake up from this in another hospital room.

 

[Silver]

Acid-stuff
What they do:	Stomach acidity May help SN absorption Stan detailed that process
Do I need those?	No. But many use these. Considered helpful, widely-available, cause little harm.
Are they available?	OTC / Internet Milk of Magnesia – widely available, just as effective. For other brands – search big sites
(1) Antacids
What they do:	Neutralizes acid on the spot
Known antacids:	Any antacid with magnesium hydroxide. Check any available OTC for ingredients with that. Milk of Magnesia.
Can I use other antacids?	We don't know. PPH pervioiusly recommended sodium bicarbonate, this was changed to acid-regulator.
(2) Acid-regulators
What they do:	Unlike antacids they reduce acid creation beforehand
Which should I use?	H2-receptor antagonists only
Which I should not use?	Proton pump inhibitors (PPI) do not work. Don't use them . Check medication ingredients and google to check if it's PPI .
What if I'm already taking acid-regulators?	If PPI used regularly, as part of health treatment – Continue your PPI as normal (don't use antacids or acid-regulators) . If PPI used occasionally – you can try to replace it with acid-regulators listed below (test it).
Known acid-regulators:	Cimetidine/Tagamet, Rantidine/Zantac, Famotidine
Can I use other acid-regulators?	No. May interfere with absorption.
Other Questions
Which should I use?	Either is fine, whatever you want.
Can I use antacids and acid-regulators together?	We don't know. Probably not good to mix.
Wiki says not to use acid-regulators	Stan recommended plain antacid, and gave acid-regulators which should work as well. The wiki reference was deemed incomprehensible (here, here, here)

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ntacid-beta-blockers-painkillers-draft.29822/

nope, not a chance.

why not?

 

[Cant Maintain]

why not?

I'm broke with an Expired ID.

 

[Ghost2211]

If it makes things work faster I absolutely won't be removing, but the cherry flavor... BLECH. I don't wanna wake up from this in another hospital room.

ew, get some not cherry ones lol

 

[Cant Maintain]

ew, get some not cherry ones lol

I'm Brooooooooooooooke and the other ones were mint and that sounds even worse to mix with chemically salty voms in last seconds

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm Brooooooooooooooke and the other ones were mint and that sounds even worse to mix with chemically salty voms in last seconds

Ah, yeah it'll be that funky nasty mint too, not like toothpaste.

 

[Cant Maintain]

Ah, yeah it'll be that funky nasty mint too, not like toothpaste.

Salty Cherries. That sweet salty combo might just be tolerable enough to make it all worth it! lmao Call me a connoisseur if you would!

 

[Ghost2211]

Salty Cherries. That sweet salty combo might just be tolerable enough to make it all worth it! lmao Call me a connoisseur if you would!

Lol I love your sense of humor.

 

[Cant Maintain]

Lol I love your sense of humor.

You'd love my note, lots of puns. Friends are gonna have to stop and groan a lot

 

[Cant Maintain]

made a lot of progress with my note, feeling almost satisfied with it <3
Ah fuck, I'm gonna have to buy another sleeping bag. My roommate just snagged it because their mattress is uncomfortable. Add it to more shit I gotta buy...

 

[Cant Maintain]

I think notes done, waiting on the lawyer to issue power of atourney, get that notorized, and the cremation service to get back to me on cash or digital payment and bingo bango bongo good to go whenever the fuck I want.

 

[AJ95]

I know how you feel

Hope you find peace.

 

[Lilacmoon]

I'll miss you :(

 

[Meditation guide]

'm wondering about maybe removing antacids

PPH says antacids are necessary in the latest edition.