FailureToAll
Student
- Sep 9, 2023
- 114
So I've been waiting for a surgery for over 10 years, at first I had to wait due to age and needing to stop growing, then I moved and had to start the process at a new hospital who couldn't get my records from the old hospital and then covid hit and surgeries were non urgent surgeries were closed for years.
The thing I want fixed has been a major cause I'm my social anxiety and mental health issues and one of the things that gave me hope was waiting for this surgery. I used to think it would fix pretty much everything, but the more I waited and waited the worse my mental health became and its no longer just that I hate about myself, I overeat when sad which is always so now I've ruined my body with fat and stretch marks, I selfharm to punish myself so now I'm covered in hundreds scars. My teeth are horrible from the overeating and just general lack of care. I'm in debt from impulsively spending when sad or spending all my money when I think I'm going to ctb. I've become a toxic person filled with trust issues and paranoia that snaps over small things. I've been on a path of self destruction for so long. Although the surgery isn't as much as a hope for me as it used to be I still really wanted it, i knew i would still hate myself and be anxious but maybe i wouldnt feel absolutely repulsive when people look at me and maybe i would be able to look at myself without feeling sick and crying, maybe id be able to feel a little bit better being around people without feeling bad for them just having to be near me. But after having 2 psych evaluations they decided I'm not mentally stable enough. I have stop self-harming for the next few months and start working on goals for my social anxiety. Apparently they can't do the surgery while I'm mentally unstable because if I'm unhappy with the results or something goes wrong and I ctb because of it then the hospital is liable. I'm so angry and frustrated. It's not fair after 10 years of clinging onto this hope to possibly have it ripped away from me. I don't want to stop self-harming and I can't stomach even making small steps to work on social anxiety. I could lie to them but I'm so anxious talking to them as it is I don't think I can even physically lie about that. Also on the drive home my parents were talking about how we dont do very much on the weekends anymore and they talked about camping and stuff and my mum said she doesn't go out as often because she's too scared ill do something when she's gone. I hate this. I hate everything. This is unfair, what if I ctb now, shouldn't they be liable for that for crushing my hopes, no they won't be. And I hate that I'm such a burden that my mum can't even go and do things she enjoys without worrying for me. It's like I'm at a crossroads and have to make a choice I have to suddenly turn myself around and recover or I have to ctb so I'm no longer a burden. But I don't feel capable of either option. I feel paralysed here. I don't want to have to do anything. Why am I like this, it's so pathetic, why can't I just be better at faking being fine that'd fix a lot of things. I don't know what to do
The thing I want fixed has been a major cause I'm my social anxiety and mental health issues and one of the things that gave me hope was waiting for this surgery. I used to think it would fix pretty much everything, but the more I waited and waited the worse my mental health became and its no longer just that I hate about myself, I overeat when sad which is always so now I've ruined my body with fat and stretch marks, I selfharm to punish myself so now I'm covered in hundreds scars. My teeth are horrible from the overeating and just general lack of care. I'm in debt from impulsively spending when sad or spending all my money when I think I'm going to ctb. I've become a toxic person filled with trust issues and paranoia that snaps over small things. I've been on a path of self destruction for so long. Although the surgery isn't as much as a hope for me as it used to be I still really wanted it, i knew i would still hate myself and be anxious but maybe i wouldnt feel absolutely repulsive when people look at me and maybe i would be able to look at myself without feeling sick and crying, maybe id be able to feel a little bit better being around people without feeling bad for them just having to be near me. But after having 2 psych evaluations they decided I'm not mentally stable enough. I have stop self-harming for the next few months and start working on goals for my social anxiety. Apparently they can't do the surgery while I'm mentally unstable because if I'm unhappy with the results or something goes wrong and I ctb because of it then the hospital is liable. I'm so angry and frustrated. It's not fair after 10 years of clinging onto this hope to possibly have it ripped away from me. I don't want to stop self-harming and I can't stomach even making small steps to work on social anxiety. I could lie to them but I'm so anxious talking to them as it is I don't think I can even physically lie about that. Also on the drive home my parents were talking about how we dont do very much on the weekends anymore and they talked about camping and stuff and my mum said she doesn't go out as often because she's too scared ill do something when she's gone. I hate this. I hate everything. This is unfair, what if I ctb now, shouldn't they be liable for that for crushing my hopes, no they won't be. And I hate that I'm such a burden that my mum can't even go and do things she enjoys without worrying for me. It's like I'm at a crossroads and have to make a choice I have to suddenly turn myself around and recover or I have to ctb so I'm no longer a burden. But I don't feel capable of either option. I feel paralysed here. I don't want to have to do anything. Why am I like this, it's so pathetic, why can't I just be better at faking being fine that'd fix a lot of things. I don't know what to do
