jjnsjso44458
Member
- Feb 23, 2024
- 19
Sorry for the long post, I hope this is the right place to post all of this. This is my first time posting to SS and I'm still unfamiliar with the website.
I have always felt like a failure. I feel that everyone is smarter than me and I'm just an idiot. I have always felt inadequate, hopeless, and disgusted at my myself. I have OCD, depression, and anxiety and was diagnosed at 12 years old. Since then, my life has progressively gotten worse. I have a loving family and friends. My family supports me in whatever I do. My mom especially supports me. Every day I wake up sad that I am still alive. I first tried to commit suicide when I was 13 years old, except my earlier memory was trying to asphyxiate myself when I was around 8. I vividly remember choking myself with a feather boa, but it could have been my imagination.
I'm about to graduate college this semester and I aspire to become a veterinarian. My grades dropped in the middle of my time in college and I won't look good for vet school. I know this sounds stupid but this was the only thing going for me. This was my only purpose in life. If I didn't have this future then I am worthless. Everyday for almost ten years I have been living in darkness. My mind won't shut off. I feel like everyone around me is more steps ahead. Today was even worse. I did horrible on my first exam and they had to put my dog down. He was my best friend and I was states away and couldn't see his final moments. My depression has gotten worse. I tried to kill my self last week by placing a plastic bag over my head. I even wrote a note. I've don't this multiple times almost every day to build up the confidence to finally commit the act, by every time I go to do it I think of my mom and how devastated she would be. She knows about my depression and everything and does everything to support me. That's what kills me the most. I want to die so bad but thinking about my family holds me back. It's just getting harder and harder and I've lost all hope. My future is ruined. I bought some citric acid as I learned of a method on here and from a research article that citric acid and baking soda can create potentially toxic fumes. I have citric acid handy in case I finally go through with it, except I'm not sure how effective this method will be. I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare. Sorry again for the long rant, I keep everything in which is why therapy and medication has never been successful for me. Does anyone else feel this way? I just want to know that I'm not alone and wanted to vent without worrying about being thrown in a mental hospital. My mind won't shut off and it's draining the life out of me. Death sounds amazing.
I have always felt like a failure. I feel that everyone is smarter than me and I'm just an idiot. I have always felt inadequate, hopeless, and disgusted at my myself. I have OCD, depression, and anxiety and was diagnosed at 12 years old. Since then, my life has progressively gotten worse. I have a loving family and friends. My family supports me in whatever I do. My mom especially supports me. Every day I wake up sad that I am still alive. I first tried to commit suicide when I was 13 years old, except my earlier memory was trying to asphyxiate myself when I was around 8. I vividly remember choking myself with a feather boa, but it could have been my imagination.
I'm about to graduate college this semester and I aspire to become a veterinarian. My grades dropped in the middle of my time in college and I won't look good for vet school. I know this sounds stupid but this was the only thing going for me. This was my only purpose in life. If I didn't have this future then I am worthless. Everyday for almost ten years I have been living in darkness. My mind won't shut off. I feel like everyone around me is more steps ahead. Today was even worse. I did horrible on my first exam and they had to put my dog down. He was my best friend and I was states away and couldn't see his final moments. My depression has gotten worse. I tried to kill my self last week by placing a plastic bag over my head. I even wrote a note. I've don't this multiple times almost every day to build up the confidence to finally commit the act, by every time I go to do it I think of my mom and how devastated she would be. She knows about my depression and everything and does everything to support me. That's what kills me the most. I want to die so bad but thinking about my family holds me back. It's just getting harder and harder and I've lost all hope. My future is ruined. I bought some citric acid as I learned of a method on here and from a research article that citric acid and baking soda can create potentially toxic fumes. I have citric acid handy in case I finally go through with it, except I'm not sure how effective this method will be. I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare. Sorry again for the long rant, I keep everything in which is why therapy and medication has never been successful for me. Does anyone else feel this way? I just want to know that I'm not alone and wanted to vent without worrying about being thrown in a mental hospital. My mind won't shut off and it's draining the life out of me. Death sounds amazing.
