Venting Feeling so ugly and unworthy

[lovelypirategirl]

Hello again dear SS friends,

I've been feeling like shit in the past few days. And it is very hard for me, because I feel so lonely Everytime I express IRL how I feel, people usually underestimates my feelings or they simply think I'm exaggerating, specially when I tell them that I feel ugly and that that's enough reason to make me get a panick attack.

I hate how I look. I hate my face, my nose and my chin/jaw. I hate my breasts, my body shape and the fact that I'm overweight and haven't been able to lose weight in at least 10 years. I hate my legs and my feet. I have hirsutism (excessive body hair in male patterns) due to PCOS and excessive male hormons in my body and it really traumatizes me. I just started this week with spironolactone after seeing an endocrinologist and I hope it works.

My weight has been an issue my whole life... there was a time I used to be thin and because of my stupid anxiety I started to eat all my problems and gained tons of weight. I'm 1.60 m (5.3 ft) and I'm 76 kg (167 lb). In the past 10 years I've tried everything: diets, gym, exercise, medicines and haven't been able to stay in a healthy weight. Sometimes I've lost some weight but it's just a matter of weeks I recover it again.

Sometimes I feel so ugly, I can't even go out. I've missed parties, dinners and important events because I feel gross. And I can't share how I feel, because my friends simply can't understand this. In their eyes, maybe I'm not the most beautiful girl, but they think I have some kind of beauty.

I just got ghosted again by a guy and this breaks completely the little self-esteem I start to build. I'm 27 and last time I had a boyfriend was 13 years ago... and I seriously think it has to do because I'm so ugly.

I'm starting to save some money so I can get some plastic cirguries. Before I die I want to feel at least once that I'm beautiful.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Everytime I express IRL how I feel, people usually underestimates my feelings or they simply think I'm exaggerating, specially when I tell them that I feel ugly and that that's enough reason to make me get a panick attack.

How would you wish for them to respond when you tell them?

 

[Finis Autem Spero]

I don't think you're ugly, you're a lovely pirate girl

In seriousness, you're not your meatsuit. It's just there to carry your mind about and I hope you can find it in you to accept what you cannot change about yourself. I used to have lovely, long golden hair and in my early twenties, I started going bald. It caused me an immense amount of anxiety that I felt like I couldn't share with anyone. It took a long time, shaving it all off and a dose of mushrooms before I accepted it and came to appreciate my bald head. I also grew a full ginger beard that really helped my head not look like a potato.

Sometimes I feel so ugly, I can't even go out. I've missed parties, dinners and important events because I feel gross. And I can't share how I feel, because my friends simply can't understand this. In their eyes, maybe I'm not the most beautiful girl, but they think I have some kind of beauty.

I feel that down to my bones. I've also struggled with my weight for most of my life, even during periods where I wasn't even fat. I still felt like I was. Now, I'm at the heaviest I've ever been and it stops me from doing so much. I don't feel desirable in the slightest and there are times where I just want to take a knife to myself and cut it all out. It really doesn't help that I love food, love to cook and cook well. On top of that, I spend all day sat in front of a computer, so I'm not very active. I know what it will take to fix it, I just can't find the willpower or energy.

Here's hoping that we can both get to and maintain a weight that we can be happy with.

 

[maru.]

There is so much i could say to you right now, but to stop myself from rambling without structure and ending up writing a book, i'll try to be more straight foward.

First things first, i know what you mean, i'm a 1,81m male, and i weight 104kg, it makes me feel absolutely repulsive.
I know what it's like to feel like our bodies are a prison, that the body we wish we had is unattainable.
I know what it's like to look in the mirror and see a reflection we can't possibly identify as our own.
I know what it's like to look around and feel like you're the ugliest person around, especially at parties, and feel that everyone is judging behind your back.
I know what it's like to feel that everyone from the opposite gender is disgusted by us, even though they might not be, we're sure they are.
I know what it's like to have much more attractive friends think that it isn't a big deal, that it's just my head, that losing weight is easy.
It isn't because it's a coping mechanism, it's impossible almost.
We are sad, so we eat, so we get fatter, so we get sad, and then we eat.
Rinse and repeat, not exactly an easy cycle to break away from.

The whole point of this first part i wrote was just to show that, well, we're on the same page, and you're definitely not alone.

Now, moving on, i don't know if i'm qualified to help in anyway, since i have the same problem and don't see myself fixing it any time soon.
But i'll try to say what i think.
First, the 2 main problems you seem to have with your self image is the weight, and the male characteristics caused by the hormonal imbalance.
For now only focus on these 2.
You've mentioned saving up for plastic surgery, by all means save the money because it can be expensive, but don't do them right away.
First try to make it to the weight you want to have, with diet and exercise, and the femininity you want to have, with your hormonal treatment.
If at that point you're still really unsatisfied, plastic surgery is an option.
I say this because i've thought about surgery myself, but i see that some people don't get exactly what they want, some have real disasters done to them.
It's pretty scary, so i think it's important to do it last.
Now, for the weight, well, i seriously can't give any advice in good faith, because i struggle with the same exact problem, so i apologize for not being able to help.

 

[Emily123]

i have the same feeling . i was ugly and a daggy surgeon botched my face and I look worse now. I used to be a good developer but i can't do even do even simple things now . my mind doesn't work anymore . it is my death time

 

[Stevenstevensteven]

I offer a hug and acceptance of who you are. May you find your peace with yourself. I struggle with body confidence, and overall happiness. I relate, you are not alone if you do not want to be alone.

 

[Chronicillness]

Being extremely dissatisfied with your physical appearance is probably one of the most dysphoric states of being that a human could possibly endure without outright dying. It goes above and beyond treatment-resistant major depression to be ugly/unattractive - it's outright torture to live with subaverage body characteristics.

I have zero advice for you other than the fact that I can relate, in fact I strongly relate to this post and it's one of the few major contributors to my hopelessness and suicidality.

 

[262653]

(In response to no one in particular.) I like how the OP openly expresses indignation with the hand she was dealt. Having been implanted with certain cravings (like sex) without prerequisites to fulfill them is way too common. I blame the nature, which probably isn't wise since I can't hold her accountable (in literal sense; I can't warrant the punishment for her for doing shit) and I'm just personifying her anyway.

 

[nerve]

I have PCOS too! Thank you for posting this so I feel less like a monster! I see those videos about women with PCOS who just get tired of shaving all the time and walk around with full beards and it's like staring into a horror movie mirror. Seeing women able to wear cute clothes and not look ridiculous is a really painful part of life for me. It's like everything hurts, regardless of what direction it's coming from.

I've spent my entire life learning how to hide my weird & misshapen body, so people usually have no idea I look like this underneath all the oversized sweaters I wear. I've also had people be like "what the Fuck are you talking about, you look fine." And I'm grateful for that, that I'm at least able to pass for "normal," but that just makes it your own little private agony, you know?

The weight loss thing is honestly one of the cruelest parts of this. It's just physiologically harder to lose weight if your hormones are messed up, but I feel like I'm making excuses or not trying hard enough. Cosmetic surgery is probably my only hope of ever feeling good about the way I look, and I can't imagine ever having enough money for that. It's just so painful. I wish modern culture put less of a focus on loving your body since it just makes me feel even more inferior that I can't muster up any love for how I look.

I put sex and romance off the table for myself, at least for now. Like I could probably go out and get laid, especially if the guy was drunk, but I can't imagine being a man, seeing the way I look, and not being viscerally disgusted in some primal way. Like I'm not "curvy," I'm just lumpy. Im not "riot grrl" hairy with unshaven armpits, I'm a goddamn yeti. My face isn't "fresh and dewy," it's just greasy. It's such a shame.

Cultivating some gratitude for what my body can do (i.e.: running, jumping, climbing, speaking, washing myself, using a bathroom independently) has helped it feel like less of a flesh prison because there are plenty of people who can't do those things and it makes their days that much more complicated. I hate the way my body look, but I don't hate my body. It gets the job done.

It hurts so much and I don't have anything clever or heartwarming to say, but Im hearing you and again, thank you for posting this because I lack the guts to bring it up myself

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Can relate to this. I really hate my body, and it feels so invalidating just being told "it's fine, stop worrying so much" because it's not fine to me and makes me very uncomfortable. I can't stand being seen by people or having pictures of myself taken. I feel really disgusting all the time and it makes me never want to even try with talking to women because I just hate myself and don't even want to picture myself being successful. At this point when people say nice things it feels like they're lying. I'm 18 now but I've felt like this since I was 13, and it's eroded my self esteem away completely. I wish I could be pretty much anyone that isn't me.

 

[lovelypirategirl]

Hi everybody, I feel overjoyed with all your kind respones. I definitely didn't expect this! I'm glad to read that some people identified with my post and that helps you to feel less lonely. I'll make sure to reply to every single post. Thank you guys

How would you wish for them to respond when you tell them?

At least I would appreciate that they don't underestimate how I feel. For them is so hard to understand that I don't want to go out sometimes because I hate the way I look, so they just think that I am exaggerating or that I'm lying (I understand them because they're lucky enough to not experience this) Also because in their eyes I'm kind of attractive.

 

[lovelypirategirl]

I don't think you're ugly, you're a lovely pirate girl

In seriousness, you're not your meatsuit. It's just there to carry your mind about and I hope you can find it in you to accept what you cannot change about yourself. I used to have lovely, long golden hair and in my early twenties, I started going bald. It caused me an immense amount of anxiety that I felt like I couldn't share with anyone. It took a long time, shaving it all off and a dose of mushrooms before I accepted it and came to appreciate my bald head. I also grew a full ginger beard that really helped my head not look like a potato.



I feel that down to my bones. I've also struggled with my weight for most of my life, even during periods where I wasn't even fat. I still felt like I was. Now, I'm at the heaviest I've ever been and it stops me from doing so much. I don't feel desirable in the slightest and there are times where I just want to take a knife to myself and cut it all out. It really doesn't help that I love food, love to cook and cook well. On top of that, I spend all day sat in front of a computer, so I'm not very active. I know what it will take to fix it, I just can't find the willpower or energy.

Here's hoping that we can both get to and maintain a weight that we can be happy with.

Hi dear Finis Autem Spero,

Firstly I would love to thank you for taking the time in reading my post. I must confess while reading it I imagined your voice with British accent and your kind words definitely drew a smile on my face :)

Second, I'm glad for you that you were able to accept with time your hair loss and that now you're rocking a ginger beard.

I feel you with the weight problem... it's a cursed and horrible never-ending-loop. You feel sad and you eat, then you are sad because you ate. We should create a thread where we can motivate and help us to lose weight

Hugs,

LPG

 

[lovelypirategirl]

There is so much i could say to you right now, but to stop myself from rambling without structure and ending up writing a book, i'll try to be more straight foward.

First things first, i know what you mean, i'm a 1,81m male, and i weight 104kg, it makes me feel absolutely repulsive.
I know what it's like to feel like our bodies are a prison, that the body we wish we had is unattainable.
I know what it's like to look in the mirror and see a reflection we can't possibly identify as our own.
I know what it's like to look around and feel like you're the ugliest person around, especially at parties, and feel that everyone is judging behind your back.
I know what it's like to feel that everyone from the opposite gender is disgusted by us, even though they might not be, we're sure they are.
I know what it's like to have much more attractive friends think that it isn't a big deal, that it's just my head, that losing weight is easy.
It isn't because it's a coping mechanism, it's impossible almost.
We are sad, so we eat, so we get fatter, so we get sad, and then we eat.
Rinse and repeat, not exactly an easy cycle to break away from.

The whole point of this first part i wrote was just to show that, well, we're on the same page, and you're definitely not alone.

Now, moving on, i don't know if i'm qualified to help in anyway, since i have the same problem and don't see myself fixing it any time soon.
But i'll try to say what i think.
First, the 2 main problems you seem to have with your self image is the weight, and the male characteristics caused by the hormonal imbalance.
For now only focus on these 2.
You've mentioned saving up for plastic surgery, by all means save the money because it can be expensive, but don't do them right away.
First try to make it to the weight you want to have, with diet and exercise, and the femininity you want to have, with your hormonal treatment.
If at that point you're still really unsatisfied, plastic surgery is an option.
I say this because i've thought about surgery myself, but i see that some people don't get exactly what they want, some have real disasters done to them.
It's pretty scary, so i think it's important to do it last.
Now, for the weight, well, i seriously can't give any advice in good faith, because i struggle with the same exact problem, so i apologize for not being able to help.

Wow dear maru! I absolutely love your post!! Thank you very much for your beautiful words.

There is so much i could say to you right now, but to stop myself from rambling without structure and ending up writing a book, i'll try to be more straight foward.

I would love to read a book written by you and to listen more about your thoughts. I have difficulty in choosing words and converting my thoughts and feelings in structured sentences.

I feel you regarding the hellish never-ending-loop where you eat because you feel shit, and then you feel like shit because you ate.

Thanks for your advice! When the quarantine started I tried to follow some diets and I failed... at the point I even gained more weight :( I went to this endocrinologist and she sent me medicines to treat my hormonal imbalance... I really hope it works! I have an appointment again with her in one month and she is going to set me a keto diet. Hopefully I can lose all the extra kilos I have!

After that, I'll definitely see a plastic surgeon so I can get a nose job and breast augmentation.

Please feel free to contact me if you ever need someone to talk!

Hugs,

LPG

i have the same feeling . i was ugly and a daggy surgeon botched my face and I look worse now. I used to be a good developer but i can't do even do even simple things now . my mind doesn't work anymore . it is my death time

Hi dear Emily123,

I'm so sorry you also feel like this and makea me feel angry that you had this terrible experience with the surgeon :( I really hope from the bottom of my heart that we both find peace and find the ability to accept us.

If you ever need to talk to somebody, please feel free to send me a message
I send you a hug,

LPG