Venting Feeling so low....

[Winter_Flower]

I'm currently on holiday for a week with my mum. We always go away together this time of year to the south of the UK to have some mother and daughter time. I'm 40 years old. I always enjoy myself and learn new things about my mum everytime we go. But this time I'm just not enjoying it. I have the feeling of utter despair, darkness and the huge urge to self harm or whatever else. I'm smiling and putting on my mask but it's slipping. All I want to do is go home and hurt myself in some way.

To top it all of off after a year or more if quitting my counselling and my gp trying to persuade me to go back, I finally plucked up the courage to message them tonight. It's a charity which focuses on the 'issue' rather than nhs services. After sending my email I read the home screen on their website to find out they suspended their services yesterday. Only yesterday for goodness sake!!! Why do I make such stupid decisions. I'm left feeling all alone with no one to speak to regarding my past other than my gp.

I'm so low I'm probably going to be ctb next week when I'm home. I hate life right now but more so I hate myself even more. I'm just a pathetic excuse of a person who wastes everyone's time.

I'm sorry for venting but I have no other way of letting these feelings out right now without ruining my mums holiday x

 

[SinisterKid]

Vent away, its all part of the service of this place.

Hopefully, the suspension of service is only temporary. You were not to know that was going to happen. If all else fails, you still have this place and all of us to just listen to whatever it is you have to say. You certainly wont be wasting anyones time.

 

[Rocksandsand]

Gah Winter that's so fucking unlucky about the service. I hope it's a suspension and not a permanent end, good counsellors are so hard to find. That sucks so much about the trip with your mum being shitty this time. There's something so isolating when you're feeling suicidal... like nothing penetrates the despair. I hope you're as okay as you can be x