Venting Feeling silly, invalidated and slightly humiliated

[BandAddict]

Hello everyone, it's been a while, I missed this place. Sorry if this is super long btw, I can be pretty wordy and needed to vent...

Lately I've been making an effort to be more honest with my mental health support system about what I'm going through. I just figure I'll get better care and advice if I don't withhold anything. I see a psychiatrist, therapist and caseworker weekly. Recently I've been referred to an eating disorder specialist for the first time, though I protested against that because I don't feel ill enough right now, but we'll see what happens I guess.

Something I've been talking to my caseworker about a lot since we've been seeing each other for over a year now, is my eating habits, thoughts and physical symptoms I've been experiencing lately due to those behaviours around food and water. I also have told him that I've been thinking about suicide a lot more recently. Well anyway, I admitted to him that I wanted my "ED" to kill me eventually if I couldn't CTB myself. He just kind of laughed and said "It'll be a long time before anything like that happens." For some reason this bothered me a lot. I'm aware that I'm not at death's door atm, I'm a healthy weight right now due to being weight restored, but it made me feel like I'm even more huge than I feel already. I know it's fucked up, but it makes me want to see how fast I can move things along, because I've projected maybe 1-2 years of steady progress to achieve my fucked up goals and hopefully suffer more serious health complications and just let it get worse. I already have so much trouble allowing myself fluids and keeping them down, sometimes I just want to stop altogether, let go of it all. I guess I just felt like maybe he doesn't believe the lengths I'll go again. I want to die but I'm a coward, so plan B for now is to let it happen slowly unless I make up my mind again along the way and end it sooner. My caseworker is nice, I just think he isn't knowledgeable on some things and it's difficult to make him understand. I'm not angry with him or anything. I just hate myself so much and I hurt so badly, I just want to treat myself like shit until my mind and body can't take it anymore. This isn't the first time something along these lines has happened, and it certainly isn't the worst that's been said or done, but it stung. Maybe I'm being dramatic. This "disorder" is my life, and to feel like it isn't real and I'm not doing a "good job" at it kind of destroyed me. What if the specialist doesn't take me seriously because of my weight right now? What if they encourage me to lose more weight or practically laugh me out of the room?

This ended up being unnecessarily lengthy, but I guess I'll open a space if anyone wants to share times they've felt invalidated or even humiliated by people they put their trust into, or who wants to offer advice on how to navigate this. Thanks.

 

[Green Destiny]

Hey there, can't say I can offer any advice on Caseworkers and those in the Mental health department so sorry about that. There have been times throughout my life where my feeling have felt invalidated and neglected, sometimes by old friends years ago who joked around at my expense and more recently by my mother who I did work the nerve to tell her that I was suicidal only for her only response was "You don't get to think like that." and that's it. No real support or advice, nothing. Hope your journey goes smooth wherever you wish for it to go.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

I know what you mean when you express that something that is with almost absolute certainty an offhand remark made by someone in this kind of dynamic can be quite bothersome. It's difficult because the people working in this field are just that: people. Save for maybe the best of the best with the most experience, they unfortunately can't just magically become some perfect "helping machine" that says and does exactly the right thing by everyone. Sucky but true...