Venting feeling selfish/lazy

[zzzameron]

hey guys, I'm new to the site (as a member anyway, I've been lurking for a few months) so forgive me if I'm doing this wrong, but I wanted to vent about something.

my mental health has been going downhill since October, and it's only getting worse now that summer's approaching and my mom is hounding me to work on scholarships and finding a second job this summer to make as much money as I can before college. she won't let me visit my dad at all this summer, and is upset that I made plans to visit him for spring break instead of working full time. she even yelled at me and called me lazy after I had worked an 8 hour shift on a school night.

I've had suicidal thoughts for most of my life, but lately I've really felt helpless. the only thing stopping me from making any attempts is that I don't want to traumatize my family. I feel stuck in this world I don't want to be in, where soon I'll have to act like an actual adult and work all the time and only do things I like on occasion in between everything I don't want to do. I understand it seems childish and lazy to want to ctb because I don't feel like dealing with my own life, but that's how I feel. what's the point in staying here if I don't get to enjoy my life?

I also feel selfish because I know there's plenty of people in much worse situations than me that are still working hard despite the enormous stresses they have to deal with. I feel bratty and selfish for wanting to ctb and that only makes me feel worse.

I feel like I have no excuse to be suicidal, but here I am. I want to recover but there's no one I can talk to. again sorry if I did this wrong, just wanted to get this off my chest; thank you for reading if you read this whole thing.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

Maybe just talking about your problems with someone you can trust will help. Maybe your dad can come visit you instead of you visiting him.

 

[Chlo]

Wow, if you're selfish/lazy, I don't even know what I am. Your mom sounds pretty toxic. Working while going to school is a lot!

 

[zzzameron]

Maybe just talking about your problems with someone you can trust will help. Maybe your dad can come visit you instead of you visiting him.

I don't feel comfortable talking about this with my friends, as many of them are uncomfortable with the topic and/or I've already complained enough to them. As for my dad, he probably will come to visit me when he can, he's even offered to pay the amount of money I would have made at work during times I want to visit him even though he can't really afford that.

 

[zzzameron]

Wow, if you're selfish/lazy, I don't even know what I am. Your mom sounds pretty toxic. Working while going to school is a lot!

she's pretty hard to deal with sometimes, yeah. I'm trying to keep from adopting her unhealthy "work work work all the time or you're useless" worldview but she pushes that onto me so often its hard not to : (

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

It doesn't sound childish or lazy to me at all. I'm a 33 year old man, who has worked very hard most of his life. I gather from what you said, that you are still quite young (though precocious for your age). Whatever you choose to do is perfectly justifiable, but you should consider the fact that you're an intelligent young person, and you could do a lot of good in this word b4 You go☺

 

[Chlo]

she's pretty hard to deal with sometimes, yeah. I'm trying to keep from adopting her unhealthy "work work work all the time or you're useless" worldview but she pushes that onto me so often its hard not to : (

Yeah, don't fall into that trap. Not sure if you're in America or not, but if you are, maybe you'll find this vid I came across earlier interesting though dismal.

 

[zzzameron]

It doesn't sound childish or lazy to me at all. I'm a 33 year old man, who has worked very hard most of his life. I gather from what you said, that you are still quite young (though precocious for your age). Whatever you choose to do is perfectly justifiable, but you should consider the fact that you're an intelligent young person, and you could do a lot of good in this word b4 You go☺

thank you, I really appreciate it : )

 

[zzzameron]

Yeah, don't fall into that trap. Not sure if you're in America or not, but if you are, maybe you'll find this vid I came across earlier interesting though dismal.

thanks for the video rec, it was pretty interesting. i def agree with the whole capitalism in america becoming more and more anti-worker thing