Venting Feeling selfish about thought's of dying deliberately

[Josuyo]

Does anyone feel awful when they consider committing?

Like when you think no one will care, when you think about killing yourself while you still have some people in your life to miss you.

I think I feel the worst when I think about how I want to teach people a lesson. That if you treat someone like garbage they'll take themselves out (pun intended aha).
I just want them to feel as shit as they made me feel. I don't like to blame everything on others but in this case other people have treated me so horrendously that I want to die. It's not fair that they can do that, that my life falls into disrepair, whilst they can carry on like nothings happened.

I'm not chatting shit when I say I want to die on my private accounts, but the people who see those posts, including friends of 16 years, ignore them. I didn't ignore them when they weren't OK. They see them, but no one reaches out. I feel that's answer enough how much I mean to people.

I am just disposable to others.

I think it would be entirely wrong for anyone to call my suicide selfish. I try to support and bring other people happiness but they don't try for me.
Dying would finally be something I could do for myself. I don't want to live being abused all the time. My life is being robbed from me each day by others and I don't want them to steal any more from me.

It's a shame it's almost impossible to get firearms in this country otherwise I'd have died years ago. I hope I can get the drugs I need soon.

 

[lonerclown666]

i feel i will get forgotten easy if i die now

 

[FuneralCry]

I do not feel awful at all. I have the right to take my life at a time of my choosing, I have no obligations to stay alive as I did not ask to exist. It is my life, my decision and nobody else has any say in it. Yes, some people would be sad but it would be selfish of them to expect me to suffer for decades. I find it comforting thinking about my death. Death is true peace and freedom from suffering. The only thing I want is to not exist. I hope you find peace.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Any reason you have for suicide is justified. It is your life and your decision at the end of the day. If anything it is selfish to expect others to live in misery just so you don't feel bad.

 

[Smart No More]

I feel bad about it. I had my brother over this afternoon and even though we love each other dearly we don't see each other more than once per week. I am the oldest and have been the shoulder to cry on etc and was always happy and confident in that role. Since I got sick we haven't really spent a lot of time together. He is still growing up and finding his footing in life professionally and generally. He's a good guy though. As a result of my illness the dynamics of our relationship has changed and he keeps promising to be more present and to come over etc. Unfortunately he leaves it to the last minute and turns up and falls asleep or leaves after an hour or so because even though he won't say it, he's cleaely kind of bored as being around a sick person is a kind of negative and draining atmosphere. Especially if it's somebody you care about. So on top of feeling guilt for leaving my brother generally I would feel guilty for leaving him with guilt when he has to accept that there was more he could do and there's nothing he can do about it anymore. I keep thinking I'll try to give him chance to do more and then leave him with self fulfilment on that front. I consider broaching the subject with him but fear potentially making things worse. His birthday is pretty close so I wouldn't do it near that time but I am considering doing it on my first birthday after christmas. That would mean that people could celebrate my birthday and mourn at the same time. Hopefully making it a more positive thing in the long run.


It does frustrate me that I put more thought into this than he and others do but I have always been this way and to some extent take personal fullfilment from being somewhat selfless and decent in my actions. Some might consider it martyrdom and maybe that's true but there's a lot to be gained from knowing you're true hearted and just. Obviously the final action of taking my own life flies in the face of this though, so yes, I feel guilt around the selfishness of my final act. However I am genuinely suffering and in tears daily and I cannot live like this. As far as I'm concerned I already died as my quality of life is none existant and therefore I feel its an ultimate necessity. It's just a case of timing it as well as possible and making sure I don't fail wwhen I can finally free myself. I just hope there's no afterlife penance to pay.

 

[watchingthewheels]

Suicide= "self killing"
Sui= "self"

suicide (n.)​

"deliberate killing of oneself," 1650s, from Modern Latin suicidium "suicide," from Latin sui "of oneself" (genitive of se "self"), from PIE *s(u)w-o- "one's own," from root *s(w)e- (see idiom) + -cidium "a killing," from caedere "to slay" (from PIE root *kae-id- "to strike").

Therefore, suicide, by definition, is selfish.

 

[irememberinnocence]

Just a question but why do you feel you have to keep supporting these people if they are abusive to you? I know it's never simple but you could do something for yourself by walking away from them. Surely there are better people out there for you.

 

[Smart No More]

Just a question but why do you feel you have to keep supporting these people if they are abusive to you? I know it's never simple but you could do something for yourself by walking away from them. Surely there are better people out there for you.

I think it's possibly the lack of alternatives. Like the futile search for like minded people. Sometimes you feel you have to work with what you have. Before getting sick I was really at my happiest on my own, enjoying gaming, artwork and consumable media. A lot of people arw really unhappy on their own and it's just not an option for them.

 

[Sans]

I don't. Well, maybe I do a bit for my immediate family, but as far as I'm concerned, death is a human right.

 

[Josuyo]

Just a question but why do you feel you have to keep supporting these people if they are abusive to you? I know it's never simple but you could do something for yourself by walking away from them. Surely there are better people out there for you.

I want to walk away from it yes but the community I live in is small and I've found repeatedly that people are insidious.

If you don't agree with how they've treated you, you're enemy no.1. I've cut off people before and lost entire friendship groups because I'm getting rid of what I can only describe as people with alpha personalities, who depict as if they can do no wrong and people will follow them off a cliff it feels like sometimes.

And people like that don't always leave you alone either. I'm only trying to remain inconspicuous and civil so they don't harass me more. If they do keep at it though they will be to blame for my death. I've been pushed back into my poor home situation because of how they treated me so I'm suffering under the abuse of my family again. I wish it was easier for me to just be independent but I'm disabled physically as well so it's not really viable for me to just get up and go live by myself.

People expect and ask so much of me constantly and hold me in contempt if I need time to myself and not answer their needs immediately.

My worlds gotten much smaller and my options less wide as I've gotten older. Things are just at the point where suicide isn't just a product of my mentality but is a a means to escape my circumstances.

 

[toforigivelife]

I think everyone on SS has that extra layer of anguish over the effect our passing will have on certain people.

But there are days that are so horrible that I can't help but think of the quote, "Your love for them does not negate their suffering."

I don't know the name of the person who said it but I thought it was a stark but valid point.