Story feeling rejected, wanting to isolate myself

[Bitterman1996]

A lot of social interactions I have right now are all purely online (net some people from same country through a fandom).. I don't know how to describe it but I feel alienated sometimes as I see these people have their life together it seems. Obviously you wouldn't know the full pictures, but it made me feel alienated nonetheless. Something especially when they ranted about "bad people" in their life, I feel like I fit on that description (ranging from common insult like "unemployed" to a more specific like being a slob etc)

Sorry if it feels like nonsensical talk, I just dread wanting to be understood / have someone to talk to but the process of doing it feels like it's going to end with either them going away to better things or me ghosting people out of nowhere. I guess I'm frustrated that I don't have anything really going on with my life (basically a NEET) and it's hard for me to make friends to begin with in "normal settings" like school etc.

How do people normally deal with these... I wish I could just have 100% flight response to be a workaholic, at least that one is socially accepted to a degree. It's just hard to deal with people I feel like once they lost interest and/or you couldn't give out more value to them, they will move on. I'm not an exception to this too. Even my family members, to a degree when I stop playing that role I feel they started giving up on myself too. I feel like a helpless kid writing this lol...

I guess I'm just lonely. There's no inherent value for me as a person and being useless. I had weird dreams lately because of this, maybe it's the anxiety. I don't feel suicidal though, I don't know maybe it's better to be numb and truly don't care about this kind of things.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

It's normal to feel like you're different and don't fit in with others. We're all at different stages in life. I bet the people you are meeting likely had a point where they were feeling the same exact way as you.

You're describing feeling alienated from people, and like they are describing you when they talk about past experiences. Maybe you fit the descriptions, but who's to say that they feel the same negative way about you? Someone can be unemployed but still be a great friend. People can have a initial judgement about you but it doesn't mean they will stick to it. If you get to know them, you can be their best friend who happens to be a bit of a slob! And that's in contrast to the bad person in their life who was a shitty friend and a slob. I hope that makes sense, but basically people are more nuanced than you think. The people worth keeping around will also view you with nuance and openness.

As for the desire to get close but feeling like it will end up badly, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You said that you sometimes ghost people out of nowhere. That can really mess up a new friendship. So why do you do that? Maybe you can think on that and start to work on not doing it as often.

Keep putting yourself out there with the fandom group and seeing how that goes. It's really hard to fight against the avoidance and negative feelings, but the good thing about online interactions is the anonymity and ability to pause and process things. So take your time and be kind to yourself.

I wish I could give more specific/actionable advice but it requires knowing exactly what runs through your mind when you think of these things. Like what specific situations makes you think these negtive things, whats the exact thought that runs through your mind, etc. You can look into CBT and ACT strategies, they help me a lot with dealing with the feeling of being alone/alienated in social settings. There will be times where your thoughts are accurate, and so it will be about accepting the situation and handling it as a stronger person rather than causing undue stress on yourself over things you can't really control.

 

[timf]

One of the effects of TV and movies is to imprint us with a false view of human interaction. We can spend more time with fictional characters than with real people. As a result we tend to see things from a fictional perspective. In the TV world people associate because they are rich, good looking, clever, or otherwise contribute to a story line. Because of this we can see real people or even ourselves as having or not having value based on these qualities.

Some people even come to associate with others as if they were characters in a movie. They accentuate the superficial and can even come to deceive themselves that "all the world is a stage" and they are the star. One might even begin to see two distinct but overlapping worlds. One where people are living as if they are characters in a TV drama and one where people live as if they are real people. This can be confusing.

For those of us for whatever reason of many come to be "off-track" or outside of the flow of these two worlds, we can experiment at approaching and engaging with those in either world. Such engagement with the artificial world requires bringing character "value" to the role. Engagement with the real world is often boring, tedious, and filled with all of the difficulties those in the artificial world are trying so hard to avoid.

If you are attempting to come out of a "shell", you may wish to experiment with people that have a common thread such as a club or volunteer group that provides some unifying structure. Even if you were to choose something like a church, you would find some people who approach it as a role to play and some who see it more in reality.

Many of us who have come to be outside the main social currents of the world tend toward a reality of interaction. This is because we have often had our eyes opened to unpleasantness and find it difficult to close them again. In a way it is like going camping. It can be uncomfortable, wet, hot, filled with bugs, and many difficulties. However, there can be great soul touching beauty and an invigorating drawing out that makes all the effort worthwhile.

If you were to pursue something like volunteering to read to the elderly you might find someone unappreciative and it might be inconvenient, however, as you come to know and understand someone, you might find unexpected connections that can arouse in you feelings of "value" that you did not expect.

 

[Bitterman1996]

It's normal to feel like you're different and don't fit in with others. We're all at different stages in life. I bet the people you are meeting likely had a point where they were feeling the same exact way as you.

You're describing feeling alienated from people, and like they are describing you when they talk about past experiences. Maybe you fit the descriptions, but who's to say that they feel the same negative way about you? Someone can be unemployed but still be a great friend. People can have a initial judgement about you but it doesn't mean they will stick to it. If you get to know them, you can be their best friend who happens to be a bit of a slob! And that's in contrast to the bad person in their life who was a shitty friend and a slob. I hope that makes sense, but basically people are more nuanced than you think. The people worth keeping around will also view you with nuance and openness.

As for the desire to get close but feeling like it will end up badly, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You said that you sometimes ghost people out of nowhere. That can really mess up a new friendship. So why do you do that? Maybe you can think on that and start to work on not doing it as often.

Keep putting yourself out there with the fandom group and seeing how that goes. It's really hard to fight against the avoidance and negative feelings, but the good thing about online interactions is the anonymity and ability to pause and process things. So take your time and be kind to yourself.

I wish I could give more specific/actionable advice but it requires knowing exactly what runs through your mind when you think of these things. Like what specific situations makes you think these negtive things, whats the exact thought that runs through your mind, etc. You can look into CBT and ACT strategies, they help me a lot with dealing with the feeling of being alone/alienated in social settings. There will be times where your thoughts are accurate, and so it will be about accepting the situation and handling it as a stronger person rather than causing undue stress on yourself over things you can't really control.

sorry i reply really slow, even in this kind of forum setting sometimes i don't think I've nothing worth to talk about lol

i guess i just know that people generally wouldn't like the me that is depressed; and in turns someone whose life just spirals out of control. Simplest thing from bad hygiene from not showering as frequently to more fundamental level of not contributing anything to society as a current NEET, I agree on parts of it being a self fulfilling prophecy, but it really does feel like no one would care. All kinds of friendship I've formed with people are few and shallow, I guess I wanted to be the kind of person that doesn't rely on these kinds of attachment and social needs to function, but ultimately I feel lonely.

sorry if it came out kind of incoherent

One of the effects of TV and movies is to imprint us with a false view of human interaction. We can spend more time with fictional characters than with real people. As a result we tend to see things from a fictional perspective. In the TV world people associate because they are rich, good looking, clever, or otherwise contribute to a story line. Because of this we can see real people or even ourselves as having or not having value based on these qualities.

Some people even come to associate with others as if they were characters in a movie. They accentuate the superficial and can even come to deceive themselves that "all the world is a stage" and they are the star. One might even begin to see two distinct but overlapping worlds. One where people are living as if they are characters in a TV drama and one where people live as if they are real people. This can be confusing.

For those of us for whatever reason of many come to be "off-track" or outside of the flow of these two worlds, we can experiment at approaching and engaging with those in either world. Such engagement with the artificial world requires bringing character "value" to the role. Engagement with the real world is often boring, tedious, and filled with all of the difficulties those in the artificial world are trying so hard to avoid.

If you are attempting to come out of a "shell", you may wish to experiment with people that have a common thread such as a club or volunteer group that provides some unifying structure. Even if you were to choose something like a church, you would find some people who approach it as a role to play and some who see it more in reality.

Many of us who have come to be outside the main social currents of the world tend toward a reality of interaction. This is because we have often had our eyes opened to unpleasantness and find it difficult to close them again. In a way it is like going camping. It can be uncomfortable, wet, hot, filled with bugs, and many difficulties. However, there can be great soul touching beauty and an invigorating drawing out that makes all the effort worthwhile.

If you were to pursue something like volunteering to read to the elderly you might find someone unappreciative and it might be inconvenient, however, as you come to know and understand someone, you might find unexpected connections that can arouse in you feelings of "value" that you did not expect.

ah i get what you're saying though to be frank I don't think i could do something like that having been a recluse for almost my entire life, I could chat to strangers fine but I just noticed how often I avoid eye contacts and generally being awkward. I get that real people are mixed bunch, and a lot of them are kind yet it's hard to break my perception of people in general.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

sorry i reply really slow, even in this kind of forum setting sometimes i don't think I've nothing worth to talk about lol

i guess i just know that people generally wouldn't like the me that is depressed; and in turns someone whose life just spirals out of control. Simplest thing from bad hygiene from not showering as frequently to more fundamental level of not contributing anything to society as a current NEET, I agree on parts of it being a self fulfilling prophecy, but it really does feel like no one would care. All kinds of friendship I've formed with people are few and shallow, I guess I wanted to be the kind of person that doesn't rely on these kinds of attachment and social needs to function, but ultimately I feel lonely.

sorry if it came out kind of incoherent

Don't worry at all! If you can do it eventually that's all that matters :)

I wonder why you feel it'd be better to be the type of person who doesn't need social interaction, rather than being a better version of yourself who has confidence and feels close to others? Humans are naturally social, we all feel the desire to be close to others. Trying to inhibit that and find out a way convince yourself that you don't need it can be harmful, you're basically reinforcing the idea that you're fundamentally different and thus can't be understood by others. Even though you're a human being just like anyone else who deserves respect and compassion.

Do you really want to be the way you are right now? Don't think about how other people think about you, think about how *you* feel about *yourself*. This is soooo cliche but when you're beginning recovery you do need to focus on loving yourself first. It can give you confidence to take care of yourself, because unfortunately people can be judgemental when you seem really out of it.

I was in a similar situation as you once, I didn't take care of myself at all and I did nothing besides go to school because I was a minor and I had to. In that situation, people judged me but I can't really blame them. I don't think I would've been comfortable to be around someone who was clearly very depressed and didn't even brush her teeth. I didn't even feel comfortable with myself, that made the loneliness even worse.

It's good to let out your feelings and discuss what's going through your mind because that's the only way you can start to think critically about your thoughts and work on more productive patterns. underneath all the depression and other issues I'm sure you're a fun and great person. Maybe you can even remember a time when you were like that and these problems weren't affecting you yet. It takes a lot of work to begin peeling back those layers and learning to live with it. It's true that sometimes people won't like you because of those issues, but that's not something you can change even if you were the most perfect happiest and normal person on Earth. If you can feel kindness and patience for yourself, and give yourself the safety to change and grow, you can end up reaching a point where being alone is doesn't feel so bad anymore. Maybe you might make some awesome friends by then so you wouldn't have to worry!

 

[nopointofliving]

I can relate to some extend. I send my love and best wishes to you. We can talk about it if you feel to. I'm here <3

 

[Bitterman1996]

Do you really want to be the way you are right now? Don't think about how other people think about you, think about how *you* feel about *yourself*. This is soooo cliche but when you're beginning recovery you do need to focus on loving yourself first. It can give you confidence to take care of yourself, because unfortunately people can be judgemental when you seem really out of it.

i guess I ultimately get I've to work on myself first before anything happens, so on that part I'm already pessimistic as I don't do well in the 'non-social aspect' of life either. I was a bad student, flunked and gave up on finishing a major my parents are so excited about. I'm also irreligious so that makes talking to my family even harder. There's this sense of expectations from people I cannot fulfill no matter what...

I couldn't be a consistent enough artist so I feel i disappoint a lot of people who followed me online for that. I couldn't be fun / functional enough to be a friend that they will eventually stray away. That kind of circumstances made me feel left our and left behind honestly, maybe it's normal and I'm just overreacting as I'm sure a lot of people have faced much worst and could still be functional in their daily lives... and the fact that I couldn't even do the bare minimum feels bad

If you can feel kindness and patience for yourself, and give yourself the safety to change and grow, you can end up reaching a point where being alone is doesn't feel so bad anymore. Maybe you might make some awesome friends by then so you wouldn't have to worry!

Yeah, ah i guess that's what I meant by "the kind of person that doesn't rely on these kinds of attachment and social needs to function" maybe it's the wrong way of phrase/looking at it.

 

[ishouldntusemyname]

A lot of the things you said feel very familiar... Honestly, connecting with people is extremely hard when someone is depressed, not to mention if you have other issues. Makes it nearly impossible, that's how it feels.
May be a silly idea, but, maybe this could be something to connect with people over? Sounds dumb, maybe, but i think it's worth a try.
I have a lot of shallow friendships in a fandom as well, none that i could really talk to. My only real friend is my boyfriend at this point. It's just really hard to try and make friends when you're not interested in anything, or feel like you have nothing in common or nothing to talk about.
Never thought i'd be so lonely and that i'd actually *care* (as i use to be extremely ambitious and focused on my goals) but here it is.
And with that, i'd like to say that if you want to talk about this, i'm here, and in a similar situation. I think i understand you.

Edit:managed to leave out my main point. I have been isolating myself for a good long while now, and it just pushed me to very elaborately plan out suicide more than 3 times in the past 2 months and to having multiple, daily breakdowns. If you feel lonely, self isolating's not a good idea.

 

[ncmxm]

I'm sorry I don't have much to contribute, I just wanted to say that I often feel the same

I agree with what @ishouldntusemyname said, connecting with people who are also depressed and/or neets could be a good idea

Feel free to message me if you want to talk