Nortu
Longing for an ending
- Apr 7, 2023
- 88
If Things weren't already and enough After moving this autumn its just getting worse. So plan was to see when it would fit to go through with it all Sometime the next 6 months or so. Though I was originally going to actually study in case Things didn't go as they seemed or if I chicken out when times near.
Tonight has been especially bad cause of the first hand in assignment out of three To be able to get pulled for exams. I dont Even know why but I feel like I have to do it once I'm here in a way. To be seen as less of a failure and lost. I cant Even get the program we're meant to use to work and if I cant do it then I'll not be able to continue. But when that happens I'd also have to quit my rental agreement (lasts two months after that Again), quit the study program, figure out how to Even get Things moved back (we drove 21 hours down originally), find work. Maybe sign up for something to study on the side of work.
Its all so and I keep spiraling in a stressed but waiting kind of way. I try to plan ahead in case Things doesn't work out and I keep living but honestly I'm just tired of it. Ctb will be more difficult to do if I move back since I'd then have to wait longer to be financially stable enough to get a rental place which i currently cant afford and will Therefore have to live at home until I can find a place after working a while.
I just feel like I cant hold onto anything, its out of my control which would be great to have rn. But no ofc I cant, that would be too easy wouldnt it. I still have my goods if Things takes a turn and I go ahead with it. Though I dont want to go out that way, it would hurt like hell but ith how strict my country is with Things I cant really afford to be picky with the method.
I know its selfish of me to deny my opportunity to Even get an education so I must really sound like a spoiled privilegied fool. I have opportunities many could wish for, but I'm not the right person for it which I feel guilty for. I dont know why I'm not able to be content and happy with anything. I cant remember much really from my life, but it probably wasnt important enough to be. I can only remember the bad parts of it, and its pretty much only on me for Things being like this. I let it get this bad so it would be better if I was the one at fault for it ending as it should have all along.
its Odd though, I have gotten so numbed emotional though the years that I cant Even think for the most part. Its all blank and empty, not a thought Worth having behind my eyes. I go through the days and it all feels meaningless, I'm not doing this for anyone really I'm just existing Without reasoning
Tonight has been especially bad cause of the first hand in assignment out of three To be able to get pulled for exams. I dont Even know why but I feel like I have to do it once I'm here in a way. To be seen as less of a failure and lost. I cant Even get the program we're meant to use to work and if I cant do it then I'll not be able to continue. But when that happens I'd also have to quit my rental agreement (lasts two months after that Again), quit the study program, figure out how to Even get Things moved back (we drove 21 hours down originally), find work. Maybe sign up for something to study on the side of work.
Its all so and I keep spiraling in a stressed but waiting kind of way. I try to plan ahead in case Things doesn't work out and I keep living but honestly I'm just tired of it. Ctb will be more difficult to do if I move back since I'd then have to wait longer to be financially stable enough to get a rental place which i currently cant afford and will Therefore have to live at home until I can find a place after working a while.
I just feel like I cant hold onto anything, its out of my control which would be great to have rn. But no ofc I cant, that would be too easy wouldnt it. I still have my goods if Things takes a turn and I go ahead with it. Though I dont want to go out that way, it would hurt like hell but ith how strict my country is with Things I cant really afford to be picky with the method.
I know its selfish of me to deny my opportunity to Even get an education so I must really sound like a spoiled privilegied fool. I have opportunities many could wish for, but I'm not the right person for it which I feel guilty for. I dont know why I'm not able to be content and happy with anything. I cant remember much really from my life, but it probably wasnt important enough to be. I can only remember the bad parts of it, and its pretty much only on me for Things being like this. I let it get this bad so it would be better if I was the one at fault for it ending as it should have all along.
its Odd though, I have gotten so numbed emotional though the years that I cant Even think for the most part. Its all blank and empty, not a thought Worth having behind my eyes. I go through the days and it all feels meaningless, I'm not doing this for anyone really I'm just existing Without reasoning
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