Feeling of eventual CTB isn't nice.

[IsThisTheEnd?]

So you haven't CTB yet but the feeling it is coming and this is your future/fate is not nice, it's very much like just waiting to die and the clocks ticking, you know it's coming you haven't been diagnosed with a life threatening condition but you know it's coming, it's not nice.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

It's a very very terrible and dark feeling. It's horrible. I wish it would go away. The bad thoughts and stress really hurt my brain. It sucks really fucking bad.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, ctb is inevitable for me no matter what. Upon every waking moment there is an underlying feeling of dread and hopelessness. I am tired of my own thoughts.

 

[Tortured_empath]

No it's not nice at all. Some people here like to talk about it somewhat fondly, I dont get that. Its not nice at all.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I can understand having a fondness, it's the release but obviously once your at the point you know it's your future your fucked and the sentence is rough.

 

[Tortured_empath]

Idk if its release. For me release implies that one experiences their issues and pain relieved, I dont think you do that by kmsing, you just delete your whole existence.

 

[EveningPrimrose]

No it's not nice at all. Some people here like to talk about it somewhat fondly, I dont get that. Its not nice at all.

It takes some examination of what life is to get to that place of acceptance regarding death, I think. This is likely harder to do if depression is the root of your wish to CTB.

But once you can find perspective on the issue that is Existing... that no matter what, you were never going to take any memories with you somewhere after death anyway, that what's missed by no longer being alive is only a consideration BECAUSE you are alive. Nothingness was the default, and it will be again.

 

[Lost Magic]

I feel like this deeply. I am a walking dead man and I know it.

 

[Remember-Me-Not]

I feel this too. I mentioned before somewhere that sometimes I feel like I'm already grieving my own death.

 

[Pure]

Yepppp,

I'm glad other people understand this feeling.

I feel like two people: at my high points, I'm horrified at the idea that I could decompensate and at my low points, I desperately want to kill myself. And the former person is terrified at the latter.

 

[Randomgin]

It's this feeling that has caused me such failures in life. I haven't taken anything seriously in life at all because "What's the point since im going to ctb eventually anyways" and so, here I am, sitting on a pile of failures, just waiting for the day my bus arrives at the bus stop

 

[Tortured_empath]

It takes some examination of what life is to get to that place of acceptance regarding death, I think. This is likely harder to do if depression is the root of your wish to CTB.

But once you can find perspective on the issue that is Existing... that no matter what, you were never going to take any memories with you somewhere after death anyway, that what's missed by no longer being alive is only a consideration BECAUSE you are alive. Nothingness was the default, and it will be again.

No

 

[quiet.rabbit]

I've been feeling that for the past 3 weeks. Was suppsed to CTB today but the fear won't even let me think. And to top it off one of the meds I was taking for the regimen added to the anxiety as a side effect. Right now I have this feeling of impending doom no matter if I tell myself I'll live or not. What the fuck is this? Is this the same world I was born in? I'm paralyzed in fear. I feel like I'll regret my choice no matter what. I just want to be happy.
I know this might be an illusion but I can't ground myself at all.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

Yepppp,

I'm glad other people understand this feeling.

I feel like two people: at my high points, I'm horrified at the idea that I could decompensate and at my low points, I desperately want to kill myself. And the former person is terrified at the latter.

it's almost but not two different people

I feel this too. I mentioned before somewhere that sometimes I feel like I'm already grieving my own death.

I guess it is a grieving for what might have been.

 

[Deepjoy]

I have stage 4 prostate cancer with other illnesses and complications and I was given 3 to 5 yrs in jan 2018…,,so for me death is near anyway maybe couple of years who knows.I want to depart on my terms and joined one of the Swiss organisations, not the common one D.
I paid circa £40 to join and have started the process but it's time consuming and loads of red tape etc but can be done.
It's my back up plan if all else fails but costly at around £9000 which is much cheaper than others .

 

[motel rooms]

So this is what the Recovery section is like

 

[Midgardsorm]

So this is what the Recovery section is like

After you feel suicidal for the first time, life is just like a house of cards.
You might recover, but the feeling is always there, it may come back at anytime.

 

[trewer]

The fact death exists and will happen to me eventually gives me comfort and some peace, especially if you compare it to the alternative of living forever.

 

[summers]

@IsThisTheEnd? I'm sorry, I have to disagree with you. Knowing approximately when I am going to die is actually a great feeling. There is no dread, no fear. I think it let's someone be in complete control of how they live their lives. I personally wouldn't be living as full of a life as I am now if the time of my death was uncertain.

I'm not saying this is true for everyone. We are all different.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

The great unknown is a little frightening to me. I wish I had a glimpse at whatever there is beyond this life, whether it's an absolute void or some other place.
And yeah. Sometimes the inevitability of suicide scares me a little.

 

[Worndown]

I've been feeling that for the past 3 weeks. Was suppsed to CTB today but the fear won't even let me think. And to top it off one of the meds I was taking for the regimen added to the anxiety as a side effect. Right now I have this feeling of impending doom no matter if I tell myself I'll live or not. What the fuck is this? Is this the same world I was born in? I'm paralyzed in fear. I feel like I'll regret my choice no matter what. I just want to be happy.
I know this might be an illusion but I can't ground myself at all.

That has to be terrible. If you decide to try again you might take something for anxiety first. It can be like a puzzle. Each time you learn more. This is never easy!

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

@IsThisTheEnd? I'm sorry, I have to disagree with you. Knowing approximately when I am going to die is actually a great feeling. There is no dread, no fear. I think it let's someone be in complete control of how they live their lives. I personally wouldn't be living as full of a life as I am now if the time of my death was uncertain.

I'm not saying this is true for everyone. We are all different.

I understand what you are saying but as someone else said it includes grieving and it's not nice, also alot of other stuff, someone who has CTB on the mind is not happy, I don't know there is a dread for me personally I can't explain it, also a trapped I don't enjoy life but I'm not happy that it's ending, another way would have been better.

 

[Makko]

I'm actually pretty excited to die, since that's when I get to find out what comes after.

 

[Neurodoom]

I've been trying to trick myself into making it a glorified closing of curtains. My constant pain in everyday life and enduring it isn't any nicer. When I do think of living or ctb its just both overwhelming darkness and fear. I know that whatever choice I make it won't be pretty but at least I won't have to keep experiencing the constant fear, pain, rejection of others, etcetera.

 

[domedune]

I'm different. I usually think about it fondly. This isn't an uncommon feeling: some organizations will tell people that their loved one seeming unusually calm/happy may be a sign of the planning to CTB.

I try not to think about what happens after (nothing, which is good but creepy), or about my loved ones. If I don't think about those two things, it's a good feeling.

 

[Sra_TZ]

I like having control over the way my life ends, so no, I'm not scared of suicide itself. I actually feel pretty good knowing it will all come to an end, eventually.
It's the thought of what happens after that gives me the creeps. What happens after death? Where do people go? Do they actually find peace? A plethora of such questions flood my mind every time I think of suicide.

 

[Lost Magic]

I like having control over the way my life ends, so no, I'm not scared of suicide itself. I actually feel pretty good knowing it will all come to an end, eventually.
It's the thought of what happens after that gives me the creeps. What happens after death? Where do people go? Do they actually find peace? A plethora of such questions flood my mind every time I think of suicide.

Yep, a lot of us feel the same way. Fear of the unknown is natural but think of it more of an adventure, or a mystery tour.

 

[Querry1]

Suicidal thoughts have broken me as I've attempted two times, trying to live a normal life is so hard, I'm dying inside

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

Maybe I'm different, but knowing I have the option of CTB at any point in time has been extremely liberating. As in, nothing really matters and I now don't give a shit about meaningless, pointless things because I always can fall back to option B.

 

[callme]

Stagnating in this way makes me feel very old. Waiting either for a significant bad turn to push you over the edge or until something good pops up just feels like a race against time, and nobody can beat it.