First I'd like to apologise if my post is rambly or vulgar, but English is my second language and I'm writing this at a time of crisis.
I am 18 years old, I've graduated my IB diploma in May 2021 and I managed to get into every university I applied to and this ironically is where I feel the proverbial excrement hit the fan for me, putting me on the path to the other side. You see one of those schools I managed to get into was med school, the same med school both of my parents graduated from. Then came the pressure my father started pressuring me into going there, despite the fact that I never was quite the medical type. I managed to attain relatively good grades in chemistry and biology sure,but these subjects never were my passion. In a way I always treated my studies as a childish afterthought of sorts,even though I managed to do quite well in school and graduate IB near the top of my class.
Few months later here I was on my first day of university completely unprepared , demoralised and frankly pissed off that all of this was happening to me. Then came the deluge of sh*t that was anxiety and as my therapist tells me "depression". I was constantly ruminating, unhappy,tired, insomniac and I had other "somatic" symptoms like headaches, nausea vomiting, the whole lovely package. It probably also didn't help that I am dyslectic and prior to med school I was allowed to use a computer to type out my assigments.
And so the months came and went I got a therapist (bless her heart) who I'm sure did her best ,but her whole approach boiled down to encouraging me to change and helping me "manage" my supposed illness. Neither of these things helped as any attempt for me to move away from this sh*tshow of a situation resulted in my parents yelling at me, calling me manipulative and generally treating me like a failure. At one point they even had a senior student call me and lecture me on how I can get through med school. Now I'm supposed to be seeing a doctor in a few days,but I honestly don't see a point in this. Sure the meds might help me ward off some symptoms,but the underlying issue will still remain,but I digress.
But you know what's the worst part about all of this? The fucking hypocrisy of these people. my father didn't even go to university untill he was like 20 or 21 because he kept fucking up his exams, my mother kept telling me that I didn't have to go to med school and when I came to her asking to help me get out of this shitshow she only pressured me to continue this, despite the fact that higher education is free here and she'd bear no cost if I dropped out now and waited 2-3 months for recruitment to start again. To add fuel to the fire she also was the one who signed me to a second uni to do econ as a double major,despite the fact that it was nearly irreconciliable with med. When I told her that she told me to choose and when I tried to leave med for that second course I once again got sh*t on. Now I am left with all of this sh*t alone and oh how the mighty has fallen. In just 6 months I've gone from everyone in my family calling me a genius and treaing me like some sort of f*cking educational superman to being labelled a parasite, a manipulator and a failure. The very people who drilled into my mind that they would always be there for me turned on a dime just because I'd made a mistake, a single f*cking mistake that they themselves have commited.
Yet this isn't even the worst part, the worst part is that I feel like I am powerless and there is no obvious way out here besides well ctb. Sure I could stay at home for a few more months and reapply somewhere else, but I simply don't feel like I have the mental energy to fight these people for however many months it will take for me to re-apply elsewhere. I considered studying abroad or moving out, but thanks to IB eating most of my free time up in HS I have zero life experience and no practical experience outisde of some token charity work at a local shelterzip nada. I don't know where to find a job or a place to stay, the only thing I'm good for is writing sh*tty essays and studying. The military was also an option, but I am too weak and sickly to be of any use to them.
It's been now 4 months since all of this started and I am here on SS unsure of what to do. A part of me wants to fight on, to work things out,but internally I feel like it doesn't matter. I don't know how to describe this feeling,but in a way I feel spent, done for as if it was the end of the road for me and that things will not get better for me. What to do?
I am 18 years old, I've graduated my IB diploma in May 2021 and I managed to get into every university I applied to and this ironically is where I feel the proverbial excrement hit the fan for me, putting me on the path to the other side. You see one of those schools I managed to get into was med school, the same med school both of my parents graduated from. Then came the pressure my father started pressuring me into going there, despite the fact that I never was quite the medical type. I managed to attain relatively good grades in chemistry and biology sure,but these subjects never were my passion. In a way I always treated my studies as a childish afterthought of sorts,even though I managed to do quite well in school and graduate IB near the top of my class.
Few months later here I was on my first day of university completely unprepared , demoralised and frankly pissed off that all of this was happening to me. Then came the deluge of sh*t that was anxiety and as my therapist tells me "depression". I was constantly ruminating, unhappy,tired, insomniac and I had other "somatic" symptoms like headaches, nausea vomiting, the whole lovely package. It probably also didn't help that I am dyslectic and prior to med school I was allowed to use a computer to type out my assigments.
And so the months came and went I got a therapist (bless her heart) who I'm sure did her best ,but her whole approach boiled down to encouraging me to change and helping me "manage" my supposed illness. Neither of these things helped as any attempt for me to move away from this sh*tshow of a situation resulted in my parents yelling at me, calling me manipulative and generally treating me like a failure. At one point they even had a senior student call me and lecture me on how I can get through med school. Now I'm supposed to be seeing a doctor in a few days,but I honestly don't see a point in this. Sure the meds might help me ward off some symptoms,but the underlying issue will still remain,but I digress.
But you know what's the worst part about all of this? The fucking hypocrisy of these people. my father didn't even go to university untill he was like 20 or 21 because he kept fucking up his exams, my mother kept telling me that I didn't have to go to med school and when I came to her asking to help me get out of this shitshow she only pressured me to continue this, despite the fact that higher education is free here and she'd bear no cost if I dropped out now and waited 2-3 months for recruitment to start again. To add fuel to the fire she also was the one who signed me to a second uni to do econ as a double major,despite the fact that it was nearly irreconciliable with med. When I told her that she told me to choose and when I tried to leave med for that second course I once again got sh*t on. Now I am left with all of this sh*t alone and oh how the mighty has fallen. In just 6 months I've gone from everyone in my family calling me a genius and treaing me like some sort of f*cking educational superman to being labelled a parasite, a manipulator and a failure. The very people who drilled into my mind that they would always be there for me turned on a dime just because I'd made a mistake, a single f*cking mistake that they themselves have commited.
Yet this isn't even the worst part, the worst part is that I feel like I am powerless and there is no obvious way out here besides well ctb. Sure I could stay at home for a few more months and reapply somewhere else, but I simply don't feel like I have the mental energy to fight these people for however many months it will take for me to re-apply elsewhere. I considered studying abroad or moving out, but thanks to IB eating most of my free time up in HS I have zero life experience and no practical experience outisde of some token charity work at a local shelterzip nada. I don't know where to find a job or a place to stay, the only thing I'm good for is writing sh*tty essays and studying. The military was also an option, but I am too weak and sickly to be of any use to them.
It's been now 4 months since all of this started and I am here on SS unsure of what to do. A part of me wants to fight on, to work things out,but internally I feel like it doesn't matter. I don't know how to describe this feeling,but in a way I feel spent, done for as if it was the end of the road for me and that things will not get better for me. What to do?
