I feel lonely, so I type my words hoping someone from Sasu will read.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I've always been an introverted, reserved kid who didn't have many friends when I grew up (or now as an adult). I hated public speaking and during school I would fake being sick to get out of it. At school when teachers asked us to form groups in activities, I was always the kid left over who no one wanted in their group. I struggled through university, didn't get involved in any extracurricular activities and made one friend the whole time.
I did a 2 week summer course in China during university, where you studied in the mornings, then travelled afterwards. I didn't know anyone when I went, but due to a misunderstanding the girl I was pairing with started hating me, and then her group started excluding me. I cried and was very unhappy the entire trip.
I've started getting very anxious in public, almost paranoid that people will notice me and think something negative of me. I can no longer relax in a public area, the only time I can fully relax is in my apartment on my own, when I travel on trains I have to sit at the back so that I can see the back of everyone's heads so that I can be assured that they are not looking at me. My muscles are tense, I have trouble breathing when there are too many people around. I'm trying to practise some grounding/relaxation techniques my psychologist has recently taught me.
I've had disordered eating since university. Periods of binging/purging, periods of restricting. I know at my age I shouldn't be depressed about my weight but I am. I've lost control over my eating and despite my best efforts to get back to where I was, I haven't been able to. I've spent the past few weeks spending money on food to binge on, and abusing laxatives.
I made up my mind to ctb and spent yesterday with family for Chinese New Year. I wanted to make a good impression knowing this will be their last memory but I can't help feeling irritated (by my mum mostly), I lost my temper multiple times.
I feel somewhat rushed to ctb, but I don't want to hold on any longer. I ordered benzos which have been held up, after several messages to the seller they finally shipped it yesterday, but I doubt I will receive it until next week. Without benzos I will likely panic and call an ambulance.
I spent this morning removing all my social media accounts. I plan to reset my phone and wipe away all data when I ctb.
I feel intensely sad.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I've always been an introverted, reserved kid who didn't have many friends when I grew up (or now as an adult). I hated public speaking and during school I would fake being sick to get out of it. At school when teachers asked us to form groups in activities, I was always the kid left over who no one wanted in their group. I struggled through university, didn't get involved in any extracurricular activities and made one friend the whole time.
I did a 2 week summer course in China during university, where you studied in the mornings, then travelled afterwards. I didn't know anyone when I went, but due to a misunderstanding the girl I was pairing with started hating me, and then her group started excluding me. I cried and was very unhappy the entire trip.
I've started getting very anxious in public, almost paranoid that people will notice me and think something negative of me. I can no longer relax in a public area, the only time I can fully relax is in my apartment on my own, when I travel on trains I have to sit at the back so that I can see the back of everyone's heads so that I can be assured that they are not looking at me. My muscles are tense, I have trouble breathing when there are too many people around. I'm trying to practise some grounding/relaxation techniques my psychologist has recently taught me.
I've had disordered eating since university. Periods of binging/purging, periods of restricting. I know at my age I shouldn't be depressed about my weight but I am. I've lost control over my eating and despite my best efforts to get back to where I was, I haven't been able to. I've spent the past few weeks spending money on food to binge on, and abusing laxatives.
I made up my mind to ctb and spent yesterday with family for Chinese New Year. I wanted to make a good impression knowing this will be their last memory but I can't help feeling irritated (by my mum mostly), I lost my temper multiple times.
I feel somewhat rushed to ctb, but I don't want to hold on any longer. I ordered benzos which have been held up, after several messages to the seller they finally shipped it yesterday, but I doubt I will receive it until next week. Without benzos I will likely panic and call an ambulance.
I spent this morning removing all my social media accounts. I plan to reset my phone and wipe away all data when I ctb.
I feel intensely sad.
Last edited:
