TW: some self-hatred focused insults (only at myself, not towards anyone else, I promise).
Recently, I've been researching old accounts of mine, in order to gather as much info as I can to analyze my own actions/former personality, as well as sometimes taking screencaps of fond memories, before either deleting them, deactivating them or letting them rest for good... What I thought were "good memories", in many cases ended up probably being tolerated by people who were too polite to tell me they didn't like me...
Ten years of mostly failed attempts to socialize, be it in high school, college or internet websites... And instead, having the ability to make people hate me quite easily, or driving them away with my personality and way of being... Seriously, sometimes I wish I could go back in time to beat some sense into my younger self... I can't believe I used to be someone so annoying, childish, stupid, clingy, oblivious and... In retrospective, I understand why many people thought I could be a r-word, even before the misdiagnosis happened... Not counting that I tended to mentally regress to cope with stress, only recently I've learned to stop doing so...
To make friends... Either in real life, or in an internet website, there's something a person needs in order to do so. Perhaps is being funny or making people laugh, or having an innate charisma, or a certain kind of aura, or having been raised in a certain way... In a nutshell, something that I lack. That I've always lacked. And now... Realizing that I have to go back to face to face college classes (thankfully only for one semester), and do my final thesis on my own (don't want to risk getting another enemy, it's better that way), with only one casual friend in there, but without a group or someone I could call at the very least a close college friend... Will probably end up graduating alone, just congratulating that friend and other acquaintances before getting away to not cry after realizing I've wasted half of my twenties so far...
It's funny, in my first college career I had four enemies, and in my current one, despite trying my best to not get hated by others... Ended up having four enemies at the end of the third semester... If it wasn't for online classes, I would've tried to CTB far earlier (near my college there's a ten meter's high bridge above a very transited highway). How I'm going to survive further adulthood if I'm incapable of socializing properly? If college almost tore me apart, I won't survive in a job... How will I be able to provide for my family?!
If it wasn't for my immediate family and some good friends, I would be completely alone... Just... Why am I so disgusting, that I'm always avoided, even while behind of a computer screen?!
I don't want to disappoint my mother after everything she has done to help me, as weird as this sounds... I'm afraid that I will eventually CTB one way or another... But, what's the point of living if you're so horrible that you've made at least 90% of the people you've ever met tolerate you, bully you, hate you and even ignore you? Wish I could be prideful enough to think I'm good and many others are bad...
Just... I don't want to try to socialize again, because I'm afraid of getting burned or hurt, like the Hedgehog DIllema in Psychology...
Recently, I've been researching old accounts of mine, in order to gather as much info as I can to analyze my own actions/former personality, as well as sometimes taking screencaps of fond memories, before either deleting them, deactivating them or letting them rest for good... What I thought were "good memories", in many cases ended up probably being tolerated by people who were too polite to tell me they didn't like me...
Ten years of mostly failed attempts to socialize, be it in high school, college or internet websites... And instead, having the ability to make people hate me quite easily, or driving them away with my personality and way of being... Seriously, sometimes I wish I could go back in time to beat some sense into my younger self... I can't believe I used to be someone so annoying, childish, stupid, clingy, oblivious and... In retrospective, I understand why many people thought I could be a r-word, even before the misdiagnosis happened... Not counting that I tended to mentally regress to cope with stress, only recently I've learned to stop doing so...
To make friends... Either in real life, or in an internet website, there's something a person needs in order to do so. Perhaps is being funny or making people laugh, or having an innate charisma, or a certain kind of aura, or having been raised in a certain way... In a nutshell, something that I lack. That I've always lacked. And now... Realizing that I have to go back to face to face college classes (thankfully only for one semester), and do my final thesis on my own (don't want to risk getting another enemy, it's better that way), with only one casual friend in there, but without a group or someone I could call at the very least a close college friend... Will probably end up graduating alone, just congratulating that friend and other acquaintances before getting away to not cry after realizing I've wasted half of my twenties so far...
It's funny, in my first college career I had four enemies, and in my current one, despite trying my best to not get hated by others... Ended up having four enemies at the end of the third semester... If it wasn't for online classes, I would've tried to CTB far earlier (near my college there's a ten meter's high bridge above a very transited highway). How I'm going to survive further adulthood if I'm incapable of socializing properly? If college almost tore me apart, I won't survive in a job... How will I be able to provide for my family?!
If it wasn't for my immediate family and some good friends, I would be completely alone... Just... Why am I so disgusting, that I'm always avoided, even while behind of a computer screen?!
I don't want to disappoint my mother after everything she has done to help me, as weird as this sounds... I'm afraid that I will eventually CTB one way or another... But, what's the point of living if you're so horrible that you've made at least 90% of the people you've ever met tolerate you, bully you, hate you and even ignore you? Wish I could be prideful enough to think I'm good and many others are bad...
Just... I don't want to try to socialize again, because I'm afraid of getting burned or hurt, like the Hedgehog DIllema in Psychology...
