Venting feeling like a loser for prolonging ctb? :/

[zadig777]

anyone feeling even more depressed for prolonging the ctb
like after talking to parents of encouragment i often change my mind and reconsider
or finding false hope for ur situation
how do u cope and handle this?
does it take long time for people to ctb
people from analitical nature like me mb need longer time idk

whats ur experience with this?

tnx

 

[Eren]

In my case I do not feel a looser for prolonging CTB

I explain my situation, I feel terrible to be alone, it is as if I was destined to be alone, I also have sexual problems that prevent me from having a partner.

As more years pass, I realize that I will be alone all my life and it will become increasingly obvious that I am a weirdo.

I try to avoid CTB especially for not harming my mother, I try to take my happiness from somewhere but it costs me a lot. Maybe they think that my CTB motive is absurd but for me it is not.

 

[Jupiter]

False hope. That's what kept me alive for so long. I'm tired of it.

 

[Redt2go]

NOPE not at all. I used to but who cares... When you die you're dead forever... Noone truly knows what's next. It's okay to hold off for hope... I'm waiting a full year maybe to see if things change or I change my mind about ctb... even though I flip back and forth daily ... I think we're all ambivalent about dying

 

[HanginAround]

I'm hopping on the bus tomorrow; I've been delaying this for over a year. Yes, it made me more depressed how long it took me to plan a method and date. I actually started taking meds and losing weight (being lighter is better for my method) with the goal in mind of CTB. Oddly enough, I do feel really high right now knowing my last attempt is coming soon and how high the succes rate is for this method. So stay optimistic about CTB even if it takes a while.

 

[Ashpac]

In my case I do not feel a looser for prolonging CTB

I explain my situation, I feel terrible to be alone, it is as if I was destined to be alone, I also have sexual problems that prevent me from having a partner.

As more years pass, I realize that I will be alone all my life and it will become increasingly obvious that I am a weirdo.

I try to avoid CTB especially for not harming my mother, I try to take my happiness from somewhere but it costs me a lot. Maybe they think that my CTB motive is absurd but for me it is not.

I relate to your post alot. It sucks.

 

[dandan]

In my case I do not feel a looser for prolonging CTB

I explain my situation, I feel terrible to be alone, it is as if I was destined to be alone, I also have sexual problems that prevent me from having a partner.

As more years pass, I realize that I will be alone all my life and it will become increasingly obvious that I am a weirdo.

I try to avoid CTB especially for not harming my mother, I try to take my happiness from somewhere but it costs me a lot. Maybe they think that my CTB motive is absurd but for me it is not.

yup yup, I identify with what you say... thats very nice of you... and also from my part.... but long time has passed now, maybe it is time? for me I mean

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

anyone feeling even more depressed for prolonging the ctb
like after talking to parents of encouragment i often change my mind and reconsider
or finding false hope for ur situation
how do u cope and handle this?
does it take long time for people to ctb
people from analitical nature like me mb need longer time idk

whats ur experience with this?

tnx

Yes! I feel the same way. I'm a coward. I'm terrified of even "a little" pain at the end--like even the bitter taste of N or the possibility of throwing up or, as I'm losing consciousness, having a nightmare I can't shake myself out of... If I felt confident about a very-very fast (virtually instant), painless way (including a set-up that doesn't frighten me--like cinching a plastic bag over my head or pulling a rope around my throat...), I'd have gone YEAAAAAAARS ago. I cope less and less well every year by downing prodigious volumes of sugar. People think "sugar addiction" is a joke, something to laugh about. It's not. But by now, I have no more false hope. I'm just waiting for the next big horror since I have no more resources and will be obliged to commit suicide.

Reading about suicide--and talking with other suicidal people--help steady my nerves, make me feel this is all normal. What have you tried to deal with your situation?

 

[dandan]

....... I'm just waiting for the next big horror since I have no more resources and will be obliged to commit suicide....

Do you mean you dont have enough money to continue living, and maybe you are not working, and then you WILL have to commit suicide because you dont have food to eat or money to pay rent?

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Do you mean you dont have enough money to continue living, and maybe you are not working, and then you WILL have to commit suicide because you dont have food to eat or money to pay rent?

I work. A LOT. Seven days a week. But I'm out of my 20's and have lost my entire life savings. (Long boring story.) So, yes, you're right: I can't afford the ridiculous cost of living anymore. I've lived all over the world. That's no boast. I just mean I've collected data first hand. Anywhere that was once very affordable (for me) is now expensive. I've lived in Bulgaria and Romania. The apartment I once rented in Bucharest for 260-euro this past December listed for 820-euro. I used to rent in Panama City from a safe but humble owner. In the last three years the price of an average one-bedroom at his place increased from 550-USD to over 1000-USD. Chang Mai, Thailand used to be cheap, too. Now, with more and more US & other Westerners flooding Thailand, the costs are soaring. I did stints in Georgia where I used to live for about 800-USD/month. Now I'd need over 2000-USD/month...

The cost of globalization is soaring prices everywhere. Those fortunate enough to already be landowners benefit while most everyone else who's not already well-off loses. There are outstanding economics papers published that show the great majority of wealth globally over the past thirty to fifty years has accrued disproportionately to those who OWN property and other things people need to survive (water rights...). I'm a low-level schlub, own nothing anymore, and can't afford the sky-rocketing costs of living anywhere (that's reasonably safe). Hope you're in a much, much better state.

 

[GeorgeJL]

anyone feeling even more depressed for prolonging the ctb
like after talking to parents of encouragment i often change my mind and reconsider
or finding false hope for ur situation
how do u cope and handle this?
does it take long time for people to ctb
people from analitical nature like me mb need longer time idk

whats ur experience with this?

tnx

I don't feel bad about prolonging it because I don't want to go until I'm an old man anyway.

 

[Final_frontier]

If it wasn't for stupid false hope and cowardice, I'd be gone long ago. It seems mental illness never gets better, only worse and the wise thing to do was ctb as early as possible. I'm gonna wait till April 24th, my birthday. Until then, I'm going to sit with these shitty feelings, staring at the demon in the eyes, do nothing, offer no resistance. Let's see what happens. If I get significantly better, I might not ctb.

 

[dandan]

......................I'm a low-level schlub, own nothing anymore, and can't afford the sky-rocketing costs of living anywhere (that's reasonably safe). Hope you're in a much, much better state.

Nope, I'm not any better

It seems mental illness never gets better, only worse and the wise thing to do was ctb as early as possible. I'm gonna wait till April 24th, my birthday.......

yes I fee like bad for prolonging ctb, but thats because ctb is difficult per se.

I'll try N, maybe thats the easiest painless way to go.. and I hope im man enough to drink it up....

I dont want to be in the middle; wanting to ctb , but not doing it. take a decision!!

 

[406metallicblue]

Currently watching the days pass, knowing it's inevitable. Haunted by the effect it will have on my mother. Living in limbo, lacking the courage to attempt a second time but wanting so much for it to be over with. Zero energy or motivation, the days pass one after the other with no meaning. It sucks. Taking the meds with alcohol as of 4pm to take the edge off it.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

yes I fee like bad for prolonging ctb, but thats because ctb is difficult per se.

I'll try N, maybe thats the easiest painless way to go.. and I hope im man enough to drink it up....

I dont want to be in the middle; wanting to ctb , but not doing it. take a decision!!

Exactly.

 

[Dead beat dad]

anyone feeling even more depressed for prolonging the ctb
like after talking to parents of encouragment i often change my mind and reconsider
or finding false hope for ur situation
how do u cope and handle this?
does it take long time for people to ctb
people from analitical nature like me mb need longer time idk

whats ur experience with this?

tnx

There is always that glimmer of hope that cuts through when dark becomes darkest. You blink and squint your tired eyes, wondering if it's a trick or really the light of some salvation.
With a strength you didn't know you had you move towards that light.
With each step you feel yourself getting lighter until you're there.
But that light isn't your salvation, its the hope you attach to the possibility that you don't want to be in the dark forever.
The light is actually just a delivery system for more time in the darkness.
We see that light blinking off and on, daily, then weekly, then less and less until you can't remember the last time you saw it and defeated, hurt, hateful and depressed you realise you no longer really care.
There is no light anymore, and the darkness is now where we stay.
Still, numb, disconnected but smiling inward knowing there is no more light to come.
DBD

 

[Redt2go]

There is always that glimmer of hope that cuts through when dark becomes darkest. You blink and squint your tired eyes, wondering if it's a trick or really the light of some salvation.
With a strength you didn't know you had you move towards that light.
With each step you feel yourself getting lighter until you're there.
But that light isn't your salvation, its the hope you attach to the possibility that you don't want to be in the dark forever.
The light is actually just a delivery system for more time in the darkness.
We see that light blinking off and on, daily, then weekly, then less and less until you can't remember the last time you saw it and defeated, hurt, hateful and depressed you realise you no longer really care.
There is no light anymore, and the darkness is now where we stay.
Still, numb, disconnected but smiling inward knowing there is no more light to come.
DBD

Well fuck me up... This is so sad and beautiful and I fully relate

 

[Sha70]

i have been prolonging mine since I was about 12 years old. I am 49. The reason I waited so long is because life situation changes. My reason is my children. They are older now but my youngest is still in school (h.s.). But very soon I will get my wish.