Feeling like a kid.

[alexithymia]

Does anyone else feel like a little kid who doesn't have the mental wherewithal to navigate this world?

I've developed little to no life skills (can't drive, can't socialize, can't cook, no job, barely any friends, haven't graduated college) in my 24 years. Everyone says things move at a different pace for different people but I feel so far behind my peers—or even those who are younger than me. I relied on my old partner for everything life-related and a year post-breakup am still feeling lost. I'm scared to go outside and face the world. I have no idea how I will ever function "normally."

Edit: Not sure if this would be better suited for the Offtopic section but it's too late now.

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

Yes, I am a scared little boy trapped in a 30 year old man's body. I can't drive. No job. Never graduated college. Live with my parents. I'll never be a functioning member of society and I don't even have any desire to be anymore. Fuck this worthless society and fuck this ugly world in general. I don't want any part in the wage-slave android assembly line and cattle factory. I have given up hope and now I accept that I am doomed. But hell aren't we all?

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

I can totally relate. I look at my friends from high school and they are successful, buying houses, raising families. Meanwhile I don't file my taxes, have been divorced twice, and so forth. Ffs, I'm over 40, I should have the hang of adulting by now.

 

[takeyourshotfunboy]

I know exactly what you mean. I don´t understand how other people function like they do. Neurotypicals have everything handed to them on a silver platter and they don´t realize it. I just don´t understand them.

¨Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here.¨

 

[BlueWidow]

I totally get what you're all saying. I'm 50 now and I don't feel like I ever developed the ability to deal with everyday life. I haven't had a regular 9-to-5 job since I was in my 20s and the last time I did have one, I had a major nervous break down and ended up on disability. Then when I met my husband and married him, he had a consulting business that I helped him with, so I could do most things on my own time at my own pace and work from home. That's the only way I seem to be able to do a job is if the job adapts to me. There's no way I can adapt to a job without it causing me to eventually have a mental break down and become suicidal. When my husband passed away, the business died with him because his skills were the business. Therefore, if I went back to work now, I would have to go back to a 9-to-5 job outside the house and there's just no way I can do that. I'm not mentally or physically able to work at this point outside of the house. Right now I'm just living on money that he left me when he passed away, but it's not enough for me to live on for the rest of my life (if I were to live a natural lifetime rather than ctb).
I feel like I'm too old to start over again and I don't feel like I should have to at the age of 50. My natural life is more than half over with. I feel like it's way too late to start over and I have no reason to start over or keep going. I'd much rather just fade away and not have to deal with any of the constant bullshit you have to keep dealing with in order to be alive.

i've always been puzzled too by how normal people function the way they do. I feel like everyone else seems to have some secret knowledge of how to survive and live a normal life that I somehow didn't get.

 

[C.Darko]

Yeah..sometimes it feels like Im destined to be poor. I have math disabilities which keep me from going to college in 24 years old and cant divide on paper. Im also dealing with a recent divorce and I have a child and its fucking scares me to think Im going to have to roomate for the rest of my life or end up homless because I cant get a good enough education.

 

[Xaphous]

I believe I'm denied everything in life, all I get is lifelong bullying and judgement. Sounds like just being weak but thats how life has played out, anything but weak it's hard to continually endure. Countless years of isolation I haven't been allowed to progress in anything. Life is about status and ego and I always had a strong intolerance to that bullshit so means not welcome anywhere and relationships and jobs made impossible.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Normal people take setbacks in their stride and carry on. I experienced this in 97 when first on prozac. I couldn't believe how easy life became and that everyone else got to live like this. Course, it wore off due to tolerance effects.

 

[trynacbt]

Damn, this thread gives me life. I feel exactly the same way and it is the central reason why I am going to ctb. I won't ever be independent. And I don't want to live life being completely reliant on others. It's terrifying.

 

[Rising Phoenix]

Personally yes I felt I was behind my peers but now that I'm older I think that I'm more mature than them. So late bloomer but once did it was even better.

 

[Pony]

I feel exactly the same, im unable to cook food for myself to everything I eat is either take away or microwaveable. Also Im wearing a suit today for my grandfathers funeral and I look like a kid playing dressup

 

[CrushedHopes]

I am 22 years old, and I could take care of myself, which is why living alone is okay for me. I know how to cook and organize stuff. I don't know how to drive, though. There are a lot of things that I would have liked to do, but I don't think it'd matter anymore at this stage since I am going very soon.

 

[Little Mook]

I fantasise about functioning like those around me. It's wafer thin. I don't think I ever will , I don't think I'm capable of it .

 

[brain problems]

OH MY GOD YES I'm a stupid kid in an adult body who doesn't know how to grow up and probably never will lol

 

[BobbyPellitt]

Yep. 21 yrs old, can't cook, can't drive, flunked college twice, no friends or relationship, no applicable skill or hobby, social phobia and delusions. Haven't touched a book ever since I graduated high school. I feel like I'm simply too weak for society. But then again I remember that sometimes, by some unknown trigger, my head cleared off some of the anxiety and negative thoughts and I'm able to function like a normal person. But that only lasted for a few minutes before I return to be the useless weak man child that I am now.

 

[Livinginhell]

I feel like I'm still 14 yo, although I do all the "adult" stuff, drive, have a job /mortgage etc. It's more my attitude /behaviour I. E throwing tantrums and have to remind myself that I'm 38 not 14, which is where I feel I am mentally. Apparently its part and parcel (symptoms) of being diagnosed with bpd.

 

[noctiva]

@BlueWidow I hear you, your post absolutely reflects my situation. I cannot cope with a 9 to 5 job at all, but I can do a lot, at my own pace, in my own way. That just isn't appreciated in my working environment. You need to be there at 9 and then do your chores one task at a time until 12:30, then 45 minutes lunch and then continue until 5. I am not cut out for that. The only time I can do that, is when I am doing that in support of someone I love, not for myself and not for any employer. I feel like I'm too old to learn this skill, to train my monkey brain to stop monkey-ing around and instead adapt the 9-5 work mentality. I don't have that within me. I wish you all the best!

 

[deltahead]

boy do i have a lot to say on this subject! i never did "education" very well. i was meant to fail 4th grade but once the teachers saw i was basically a fucking idiot and so were my parents they felt bad and decided to let it slide. except after 4th grade i just left school and my parents never objected. i was already stunted and defective by then, now imagine being stuck in a little room looking at the internet (and consequently absorbing all the worst things this world has to offer through it) for 10 whole years. that's what happened. now i'm 20, my clothes are all torn, and i struggle to practice basic hygiene so i look like a drug addict all the time. i have so many issues with things most toddlers have down pat. life is just this endless string of shameful moments that i can't believe i let go on for so long. never cooked, never cleaned, couldn't possibly deal with documents or anything else that's important. and i feel like such a stupid asshole considering all the other people my age who've been abused, neglected, hurt in every way imaginable and still have all this intellect, these plans for the future. they're like...normal, i guess. meanwhile i'm so spineless and inept and disorganized it's actually severely interrupting my CTB plans. and now i'm expected to rejoin them in society, as if we have anything in common, as if i'm not tricking everyone. it's awful. i just hope i get the strength to do it before my SN expires. i hope i have it in me.

 

[EndItQuickly]

This is absolutely my mental state. Complete utter social retardation, failed out of school 4 times due to crippling social anxiety and lack of self control. I have a wonderful beautiful wife(who has kept ctb thoughts at bay for the last 6 years), but I can already feel it falling apart because I'm 29 and a pizza boy that refuses to socialize. Family gatherings are things I avoid at all costs. I cut off all communication with my friends because they are all totally acclimated to adult life...I feel extreme hatred at myself during any conversation...life is exhausting for people like us.

@BlueWidow I hear you, your post absolutely reflects my situation. I cannot cope with a 9 to 5 job at all, but I can do a lot, at my own pace, in my own way. That just isn't appreciated in my working environment. You need to be there at 9 and then do your chores one task at a time until 12:30, then 45 minutes lunch and then continue until 5. I am not cut out for that. The only time I can do that, is when I am doing that in support of someone I love, not for myself and not for any employer. I feel like I'm too old to learn this skill, to train my monkey brain to stop monkey-ing around and instead adapt the 9-5 work mentality. I don't have that within me. I wish you all the best!

100% with you on the 9-5 thing. I'd rather be dead than work in my little low wall cubicle surrounded by people that don't like me and vice versa, forced awkward conversations, mind numbing boredom mixed with extreme anxiety. Waking up early without feeling rested knowing you have no choice but to return to the place that makes you so sick. How do people live like this?

 

[Sweet emotion]

I'm 34 and still feel like I'm 18. My mother spoiler me very much when I was little. Not with monetary value but she never wanted me to do anything for myself. She never taught me how to do laundry or write out a check book or many other things. I am her only child. But she's like this with everyone but more so with me. I have to live with her being physically dependent which makes me want to puke. Sometimes I wonder if she's happy I got sick so she could have control over me. She tells me I'm nuts for thinking that. Even though I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan there is one thing that he has said that has stuck in my mind. A parents job is to get their child ready for the world so they can leave and be able to take care of themselves. This never happened to me. Even if I wasn't sick idk if I still wouldn't know how to do laundry. I was so embarrassed. I'm by no means stupid, it's just that from the moment I was born everything was always done for me so you start to get used to living life like that. I would sit down and have a conversation with your parents about that because it really isn't your ex's fault. They stopped you from mentally maturing and growing. I mean I knew how to drive and I had a job but I still had no idea how the world worked. But I feel bad you didn't even know how to drive or get a job.

Yes, very literally, which is why here I am barely figuring out how to buy stuff from ebay for the first time

The worst part is people's scrutiny and lack of trust. Normal adults go to the doctor and buy from the internet all the time. I have to do it surreptitiously or figure out a different way. I can't just get out and buy things. I had no money until a week ago (like 30 euros at a time). But I guess I deserve the misery, including the unbearable likelihood of getting discovered. I "could have just left"

*I take that back. Being controlled when you're more than fully come out of age is horrible as it makes planning CTB harder (and the agony of it much more harrowing). If I planned to live, I'd say the worst emotional impact is repelling people I'm romantically attracted to (for being a stunted human being generally, for never being alone)

You and I talked about this how our mothers stunted our growth when it came to maturity.

 

[noctiva]

@Sweet emotion This sentence really resonated with me: A parents job is to get their child ready for the world so they can leave and be able to take care of themselves. But one of the problems with that assessment is that parents themselves also can have issues. Ideally, there should be a parenting license, like a divers license, that certifies you that you have done your psychological and physical check that you can have children and raise them well. But unfortunately, that's not the case. It's tough when parents don't let go. My mother was the same. She did not raise me to be independent at all. Her idea was that I will live with her, in my own house with my own family, on her land, looking after her. She told me what to study after I graduated from school. She told me to not get tattoos, piercings, who she wanted me to to marry, how many grandchildren she expected from me. My 20s were a nightmare because of this pressure from her, to fulfill her expectations. I went to therapy for a long time to deal with that, and at some point I've had enough of her demands which just weren't... well, me! I told her to allow me to make my own life decisions, got a tattoo and a piercing, and she was just raging and raging. And every time I called her, she would keep going on and on and on about how I can do this to her, how I can embarrass her like that, what the neighbors are thinking now etc etc. So I told her I wouldn't call anymore at all if my wishes for my own life don't mean anything. That was 4 years ago. I have since then gotten a new phone number, new address. It is possible to fight for independence and raise yourself, if your parents fail you because they don't know better themselves or because they are malicious. But it takes a whole lot of energy, of work and strength. And you end up all alone. No support from blood relatives because they all side with the mother, because the mother role in our society is just insanely overinflated when it comes to love, self-sacrifice and martyrdom.
From what I hear, your situation is ver much aggravated due to your dependence on your mother for care, but also small victories in independence count, like being here without her knowledge and approval. Be kind to yourself <3

 

[BlueWidow]

I

@Sweet emotion This sentence really resonated with me: A parents job is to get their child ready for the world so they can leave and be able to take care of themselves. But one of the problems with that assessment is that parents themselves also can have issues. Ideally, there should be a parenting license, like a divers license, that certifies you that you have done your psychological and physical check that you can have children and raise them well. But unfortunately, that's not the case. <3

You know it's funny because I wrote a paper when I was in college about this very thing.
Ironically, at the time I was studying to be a psychologist. Though I have to admit I was really only studying psychology more because I wanted to find out what was wrong with me than because I actually wanted to be a psychologist.
Anyway, I had a child psychology class and I wrote a paper arguing that people should be sterilized at birth and then have to prove that they would be good parents before they would be allowed to have children. Of course, I had no clue how the logistics of any of that would work, but I was mainly approaching it from a psychological standpoint, not a physical standpoint or a logistical standpoint. I was just trying to argue that there are too many people on earth who have kids and don't have the slightest clue how to take care of them. My own parents included.

 

[noctiva]

You know it's funny because I wrote a paper when I was in college about this very thing.
Ironically, at the time I was studying to be a psychologist. Though I have to admit I was really only studying psychology more because I wanted to find out what was wrong with me than because I actually wanted to be a psychologist.
Anyway, I had a child psychology class and I wrote a paper arguing that people should be sterilized at birth and then have to prove that they would be good parents before they would be allowed to have children. Of course, I had no clue how the logistics of any of that would work, but I was mainly approaching it from a psychological standpoint, not a physical standpoint or a logistical standpoint. I was just trying to argue that there are too many people on earth who have kids and don't have the slightest clue how to take care of them. My own parents included.

I proposed the same thing in one of my courses and I fully believe that we should have a parenting license. It's insane how many people are suffering from their childhood because their parents were ignorant. We regulate everything in our society, but as soon as you're sexually mature you can have a kid and screw it over. The support the system gives out, both psychologically and financially, to raise a child is laughable. By the time the child starts to display signs of attachment disorder, suicidal ideations, etc it's too late to successfully intervene. We need an early intervention to prevent suffering, preferably before birth, so that the parents know what the important factors for the first 5-7 years are (arguable the most important years and the ones where fuckups are hardest to treat, because you cannot recall them in therapy to work on them). Sorry for the rant, I get really angry at the lack of support for the psychological development for infants and children. If we could give good support here, I think we'd have a lot less problems and more compassion on this damned rock hurtling through space!

Edit: I am so proud I finally figured out how to quote.

 

[snowman626]

Im almost 34 and still play with a little stuffed bear, make voices and pretend.

Virgin, never had a gf, no job, no money, live with mother, no friends, anti social, balding, out of shape. Im physically healthy though so im grateful for that

Family gatherings are a nightmare because all my siblings and cousins are married, have jobs, a social life, and other normal things and its like im still a fucking toddler in a 34yr old mans body. I dont even go to gatherings except when my aunts come visit and im obligated to make an appearance.

 

[woxihuanni]

Growing up is complicated. I know a doctor with a tick in all life skill boxes and about a zrillion hobbies. They are a kid. And not the sort of broken kid that you want to embrace and love, but a petulant, mean kid that you just want to kick to the curb. They are bitter because they don't understand why other people don't acknowledge them as an adult despite all their achievements. It's because no adult needs to scream so hard to prove they are an adult, and you cannot hide the meanness by overhelping people around you in ways they don't want or need.

 

[LastWhisper]

It seems that I haven't prepared myself for adulthood. I mean, I knew that someday this would happen, but it always seemed that this was still a long way off, so I never carried about this. And now I'm here and I have nothing: No friends, no job, no hobbies, no skills, and I simply don't know what to do in this life.

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

I proposed the same thing in one of my courses and I fully believe that we should have a parenting license. It's insane how many people are suffering from their childhood because their parents were ignorant. We regulate everything in our society, but as soon as you're sexually mature you can have a kid and screw it over. The support the system gives out, both psychologically and financially, to raise a child is laughable. By the time the child starts to display signs of attachment disorder, suicidal ideations, etc it's too late to successfully intervene. We need an early intervention to prevent suffering, preferably before birth, so that the parents know what the important factors for the first 5-7 years are (arguable the most important years and the ones where fuckups are hardest to treat, because you cannot recall them in therapy to work on them). Sorry for the rant, I get really angry at the lack of support for the psychological development for infants and children. If we could give good support here, I think we'd have a lot less problems and more compassion on this damned rock hurtling through space!

Edit: I am so proud I finally figured out how to quote.

I also was contemplating managing who was allowed to parent. My plan was impossible, but a fun thought experiment. My idea was to put some sort of birth control supplement in the food and water supply, so that by default society cannot reproduce. Then, once you meet some kind of stability metric, you can apply for a license. This gets you a prescription for an antidote, or access to untainted food and water and voila, your fertility is restored.

 

[justwhy?]

Yes, I am a scared little boy trapped in a 30 year old man's body. I can't drive. No job. Never graduated college. Live with my parents. I'll never be a functioning member of society and I don't even have any desire to be anymore. Fuck this worthless society and fuck this ugly world in general. I don't want any part in the wage-slave android assembly line and cattle factory. I have given up hope and now I accept that I am doomed. But hell aren't we all?

What fresh hell is this? My monitor becoming a mirror ?!

 

[mediocre]

Yes I am still 12 years old inside. I can't do anything without help.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Yes I am still 12 years old inside. I can't do anything without help.

Same.