Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,182
My definition of "normal" refers to people who have lives without the struggle of childhood trauma or severe mental illness/suicidality. I carry much shame and anger towards myself over the events of my life. I know I am not at fault of the abuse perpetuated against me. I was failed by my abuser and enablers who did nothing or gaslit me into carrying the responsibility of caring for myself
However, when I see my friends who have had lives of happy childhoods and close family, or trauma but still manage to be high functioning, I feel inferior. I feel self hate, and I find comfort in those who I can relate to. Those who know what the struggle is and so it won't be awkward. Coupled with jealousy, I find it hard to be around my friends and people who had it "better" than I did
It's likely that I'm still grieving and processing everything I was robbed of, which is going to be an on going process. I don't wish my suffering on anyone, and I am glad there are people who can feel happy and self assured in themselves
It's just in these moments I like to self isolate and blend in with those who can relate to my suffering
Is this weird?
However, when I see my friends who have had lives of happy childhoods and close family, or trauma but still manage to be high functioning, I feel inferior. I feel self hate, and I find comfort in those who I can relate to. Those who know what the struggle is and so it won't be awkward. Coupled with jealousy, I find it hard to be around my friends and people who had it "better" than I did
It's likely that I'm still grieving and processing everything I was robbed of, which is going to be an on going process. I don't wish my suffering on anyone, and I am glad there are people who can feel happy and self assured in themselves
It's just in these moments I like to self isolate and blend in with those who can relate to my suffering
Is this weird?