Help Feeling impulsive

[Alec]

I haven't posted here in a lo while, though I've been visiting this site very often and commenting on other threads.
I'm writing this now because these past few days I can barely breath. I finally faced a few things and now I don't even know anything anymore.
My date is 5 months away but honestly I don't know if I can wait that long anymore. If I'm honest I had this hope that maybe things will work out somehow but now I just...I just see that they most likely will not. And I'm just hurting so much and there's so much confusion in my head and anger at myself I can barely breath!!!!
I want to do it right now so desperately I don't want to wait anymore I just need the shit in my head to stop I need everything to stop spinning and I need this life where I can be anything good to stop already!!!!
Today was the first time ever I felt sorry for wanting to kill myself, wanted to apologize to someone for it, it's such a bs!! I don't own an apology to anyone!! If anything the world owns one to me! To all of us!
But I so desperately want to do it right now and I keep thinking that it's once done it's done kind of thing and I'll never be able to take it back and I keep thinking am I crazy?! For wanting to kill my self? Is it insane?! It's like I have this panic inside me that screams "what if you are crazy and insane and should've never killed yourself?!" But I know that's also stupid because I can't be sure I shouldn't do it, just like I can't be sure I should do it I guess?
I feel trapped because I think for the first time ever I realized that this is the only way for me, one and truly only way, and I don't know how to breath knowing this how to keep breathing knowing I have to do this.

 

[Sensei]

I struggle with the same conflicting thoughts as you do. (A difference is that I de facto am insane, although a psychiatrist probably would use a different term.) Obviously, you shouldn't end it when your experience inner turmoil like you do right now. May I ask, what is it that makes you feel that you have no other option than suicide?

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey hun..just take a minute to breathe deeply, go for a walk, take a shower, bath, have a drink, anything that will take ur mind off an impulsive ctb..
Once ur head is clear, then u can see more clearly n focus on ur options...

We're here to talk/listen if u need us..

 

[Jean4]

We understand how you feel, and I know impulsiveness. It is often difficult to fight. I do know that.

We are here if you want to vent or talk.