Venting Feeling I can not carry on anymore

[Jimblue]

Sorry today is just another hard day. I start feeling it's harder and harder to take care of my husband who has bipolar disorder.

I don't know how come a person has so much anger and can always take things in a very negative way. He has been suspended from his job for 2 weeks.

Yesterday I bought him an expensive gift to cheer him up. His colleague and wife invited us to come for dinner to yesterday evening and they want to him feel better. They bought lots of food too cook and expensive drink. I asked him if he want to go days before. And told him if he does not want to go, don't have to go.

However he decided he did not want to go in the last minute and said "people just want to hurt/harm him." And refused to say he did not want to go to his colleague. So I have to explain to them and deep apologies to them. I felt so bad and guilty, because people spent so many money and effort to support him and they mean well. But he just think things in a very negative way and blame the world. And he just left situation to me to deal with.

Today we travelled to another city and there is a traffic jam. Then he started yelling shouting swelling in the car such as "using clutch, you fucking cunt." " don't slowing down just because you are taking a bend, you twat." "Fucking life, fucking world, I fucking hate everything."

After we parked the car, went to a showing mall. He kept shouting and swelling in the public because he could not find the toliet.
I told him I knew where it is but he still not able to stop his challenge behaviours and took anger on me. Sometimes he will shouting to random people on the streets without any reason.

His behaviour are usually worse when he was in home. Any tiny thing went wrong, he started shouting, swelling, punching and smashing the furniture or doors. If I tried to stop him, he will take anger on him.

I start feeling it is harder and harder to dealing with his challenge behaviours now. And mental illness is not the excuse for anyone behaviours like that. He is not like me, he does not have too much suicidal thoughts. Use his own worlds, he just hate people, hate world.

And he knew I have PTSD, his behaviour is really make me scared.

Today feeling I just want to CTB immediately, I can not take any more.

 

[narval]

that seems like a difficult situation at least. Dealing with own things is hard, dealing with own & also other troubles, it's much worse. IDK your circumpstances, but seeing the situation, probably is the moment of taking external help if you can. This kind of things doesn't gets better if you can't manage propperly... and even if it's so.

Are you able to go to proffesional healthcare? Maybe family or those friends?

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so awful and tiring having to put up with someone like that. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I wish you relief from suffering.

 

[jodes2]

Sorry for all that, I wish I knew what to suggest other than telling him how much it hurts you and that he needs anger management therapy

 

[Jimblue]

that seems like a difficult situation at least. Dealing with own things is hard, dealing with own & also other troubles, it's much worse. IDK your circumpstances, but seeing the situation, probably is the moment of taking external help if you can. This kind of things doesn't gets better if you can't manage propperly... and even if it's so.

Are you able to go to proffesional healthcare? Maybe family or those friends?

His family are hopeless. His father and brother are same, full of rage, worse than him. His father and brother are the person will abuse people doing minimum wage jobs, like cashiers and customer service. And his mother is less violent but like to use people. They are very racist as well, think non white people should all leave UK.

He has his own psychiatrist but he behaving completely different in front them. And he always intend to hide his illness from his psychiatrist.

He does not allow me to call crisis team or other service.

He has no friends now because of his behaviour. He has friends who support him in difficult situations. But as soon as he get out situations, he just cut contact with his friends and complain no one cares about him.

However for some reason, he actually rarely has CTB thoughts like lots of people suffer from mental illness. I have told him, if you do want to live then stop hating people, hating world. Majority people in this world did nothing to you. And you saw how your parents treat people, you don't like them. You think they are horrible and wrong then why you turning to them. You dont get any benefits from treating people badly and live with rage and hate is really a nasty way to live.

But he does not want to change.

Sorry for all that, I wish I knew what to suggest other than telling him how much it hurts you and that he needs anger management therapy

He has been to therapy but never able to tell the truth. And he is able to behave completely in therapy group, polite, nice, caring etc.

 

[narval]

His family are hopeless. His father and brother are same, full of rage, worse than him. His father and brother are the person will abuse people doing minimum wage jobs, like cashiers and customer service. And his mother is less violent but like to use people. They are very racist as well, think non white people should all leave UK.

He has his own psychiatrist but he behaving completely different in front them. And he always intend to hide his illness from his psychiatrist.

He does not allow me to call crisis team or other service.

He has no friends now because of his behaviour. He has friends who support him in difficult situations. But as soon as he get out situations, he just cut contact with his friends and complain no one cares about him.

However for some reason, he actually rarely has CTB thoughts like lots of people suffer from mental illness. I have told him, if you do want to live then stop hating people, hating world. Majority people in this world did nothing to you. And you saw how your parents treat people, you don't like them. You think they are horrible and wrong then why you turning to them. You dont get any benefits from treating people badly and live with rage and hate is really a nasty way to live.

But he does not want to change.

He has been to therapy but never able to tell the truth. And he is able to behave completely in therapy group, polite, nice, caring etc.

"But he does not want to change"
that's bad :(

It seems that he is in his own world. Maybe even doesn't realizes how much... or perhaps is rejecting it, and as cconsequence of it, a kind of cognitive dissonance are aggravating the whole thing.

I hope you can find a way to deal with this and i hope him to realize what are he doing.

 

[Jimblue]

"But he does not want to change"
that's bad :(

It seems that he is in his own world. Maybe even doesn't realizes how much... or perhaps is rejecting it, and as cconsequence of it, a kind of cognitive dissonance are aggravating the whole thing.

I hope you can find a way to deal with this and i hope him to realize what are he doing.

Thank you so much. Deep down he knows what he is doing and he admits he treat other people terrible. But he felt hard to change. He said he is too old to change.

Another thing is he thinks I will never leave him so it's enough for him. He prefer lives in a world, just me and him.

The things that I don't understand is majority people will choose CTB or at least think about CTB if they live with lots pain or unhappy. But he actually does not feel CTB. However I can not make this decision for him.

 

[narval]

people deals with pain in a very different ways. Some just goes addicted to work (or drugs/alcohol), risky sports, etc. Others goes rageous, deppresive, CTB, or just becomes simply mean people.

If he realizes, maybe there's a chance. you both can't stay like that forever. Try to make him see it. It's untenable. he is hurting you (i hope you see where i'm trying to say). But, taking care of what you said... His reaction wont be good. But his reactions are not being good nowadays. No good choices.