i have gotten to the point in my life where i have literally no hope for any improvement of my condition. i have no failed beyond any repair, and i am too narcissistic to live a life where i will not succeed. i am lazy, yet i have an urge to be productive. i am hopeless romantic, yet i am ugly and queer and incredibly lacking in social skills (hence my lack of friends) so i will never find anyone. i am going to flunk out of college. i am queer. i am black. i am poor. my family doesnt like me. i would kill myself right now if it wasn't so inaccesible in america. im almost at the point of downloading a dating app and seeking a guy who's proud of having a gun, retrieving it from him, and killing myself with it. once i flunk out of school, i will be homeless. i have no cars. no friends no family... what's the point? i have no friends... no career prospects.. i dont want to pass down these awful genes to kids so that's out of the question.... no romantic partner possibility. i want to die.. jesus. i was dating someone for 3 weeks, but he didnt really like me. he would constantly talk about his ex.. i was a placeholder for her.. no else. i broke up w him because i was just a pillow. he didnt really like me.. i have a therapist and i tell her these things and she just tells me to remember the good things?? to breathe.. take ur meds.. she means well, but it doesnt help.. bc i cant help myself :( everyday i wake up its overwhelming stress and anxiety. i spend all my time alone in my room because no one likes me. not for lack of trying. it makes me so sad. what's the point? im just so tired.. sorry for rambling.
thank you for reading :)
thank you for reading :)
