MidnightTrains
New Member
- Sep 15, 2025
- 3
Hellooo
Sorry in advance if none of this makes any sense, I'm really bad at writing and expressing my emotions.
Just some general info:
I'm gonna go by my username here: MidnightTrains. I'm 19, I live in Texas and I'm a freshman in college.
There's not much to say about me. I had a relatively normal childhood. I have a sister who's a few years older than me, my parents got divorced when I was still a toddler. I lived with my mom and saw my dad regularly. I guess I am loved.
I say I guess because I've never felt loved or felt love for others. I'm loyal and I care about my family and friends because I value them but its never deeper than that. I was never able to say "I love you" to my parents without it feeling forced. It makes me feel so shitty like there has to be something fundamentally wrong with my brain.
I used to enjoy doing things like drawing and playing video games but now, all of my passion is gone. I try to fill the void with little things that make me happy, like going to concerts, collecting random trinkets, and eating my favorite foods. It works in the moment but at the end of the day I still feel shitty. Not even sleep is an escape.
I started hating myself around the beginning of high school. I thought it was just a small teenage angst phase but every year it got progressively worse. A lot of this self hatred came from comparing myself. It's a habit that cannot be broken. I cant even look at anyone without feeling envy. It doesn't matter if they're in a worse or better situation than me. I see a group of friends hanging out, I get jealous. I see a family having fun, I get jealous. I see someone grieving a lost one, I get jealous because I wish that I loved someone and that someone loved me that much.
Now I'm just a bitter and angry shell of a human that is trudging through life. I've learned to keep my head down and stay quiet because I'm very prone to lashing out at the smallest things.
I thought moving out to college would make me feel better. The independence is nice, but being in a new environment completely alone is hard. I'm too anxious to make friends and I don't even see the point because I know something about them will bother me and I'll start to hate them. (That's a whole 'nother thing that I don't wanna get into rn.)
I never learned to share my feelings with other people and I think I'm a lost cause at this point. I want to be loved (platonically or romantically) so bad but I don't even know what love feels like. I push away everyone because I'm afraid of being hurt and rejected if they knew who I really was. I don't see any good in me. I'd be sparing myself and others from pain if I just ended it all.
Also, I spent so long trying to hide my feelings that they don't even feel real or valid. My life was fine, I have no reason to be sad right? I'm just a spoiled piece of shit who wants everything yet it'll never be enough. I'm too self aware. I believe that because I know something is wrong with me, I should be able to fix it but I can't because I lack the willpower. I'm so tired of being alive.
I know I'm still young. Initially I said I was going to give it till I'm 30 and if I was still unhappy I'd commit. I have career plans so I really want to give life a try. But I'm running out of things to look forward to and I can't envision a future where I'm content. I don't know if I can wait to be free of this pain anymore.
My college offers counseling to students so I think I'm going to try that out. Kinda as a last resort. I really don't think it'll work. I'm far too stubborn to change.
Sorry in advance if none of this makes any sense, I'm really bad at writing and expressing my emotions.
Just some general info:
I'm gonna go by my username here: MidnightTrains. I'm 19, I live in Texas and I'm a freshman in college.
There's not much to say about me. I had a relatively normal childhood. I have a sister who's a few years older than me, my parents got divorced when I was still a toddler. I lived with my mom and saw my dad regularly. I guess I am loved.
I say I guess because I've never felt loved or felt love for others. I'm loyal and I care about my family and friends because I value them but its never deeper than that. I was never able to say "I love you" to my parents without it feeling forced. It makes me feel so shitty like there has to be something fundamentally wrong with my brain.
I used to enjoy doing things like drawing and playing video games but now, all of my passion is gone. I try to fill the void with little things that make me happy, like going to concerts, collecting random trinkets, and eating my favorite foods. It works in the moment but at the end of the day I still feel shitty. Not even sleep is an escape.
I started hating myself around the beginning of high school. I thought it was just a small teenage angst phase but every year it got progressively worse. A lot of this self hatred came from comparing myself. It's a habit that cannot be broken. I cant even look at anyone without feeling envy. It doesn't matter if they're in a worse or better situation than me. I see a group of friends hanging out, I get jealous. I see a family having fun, I get jealous. I see someone grieving a lost one, I get jealous because I wish that I loved someone and that someone loved me that much.
Now I'm just a bitter and angry shell of a human that is trudging through life. I've learned to keep my head down and stay quiet because I'm very prone to lashing out at the smallest things.
I thought moving out to college would make me feel better. The independence is nice, but being in a new environment completely alone is hard. I'm too anxious to make friends and I don't even see the point because I know something about them will bother me and I'll start to hate them. (That's a whole 'nother thing that I don't wanna get into rn.)
I never learned to share my feelings with other people and I think I'm a lost cause at this point. I want to be loved (platonically or romantically) so bad but I don't even know what love feels like. I push away everyone because I'm afraid of being hurt and rejected if they knew who I really was. I don't see any good in me. I'd be sparing myself and others from pain if I just ended it all.
Also, I spent so long trying to hide my feelings that they don't even feel real or valid. My life was fine, I have no reason to be sad right? I'm just a spoiled piece of shit who wants everything yet it'll never be enough. I'm too self aware. I believe that because I know something is wrong with me, I should be able to fix it but I can't because I lack the willpower. I'm so tired of being alive.
I know I'm still young. Initially I said I was going to give it till I'm 30 and if I was still unhappy I'd commit. I have career plans so I really want to give life a try. But I'm running out of things to look forward to and I can't envision a future where I'm content. I don't know if I can wait to be free of this pain anymore.
My college offers counseling to students so I think I'm going to try that out. Kinda as a last resort. I really don't think it'll work. I'm far too stubborn to change.
you are welcome
