So, I have no major health issues like most ofyou and it is even embarassing to wanto to CTB compared with the issues you do have.
I did not have an easy childhood which made me insecure and very eager to be loved and to have a family completely different from the one I grew into. I almost do not have any relationship with my mother, as clearly she hated me from the moment I was born. My father did love me but was abroad most of my life and has died in 2007.
I married at 21, had my daughter at 24 (2000), although I did not want kids because I had had so messed up parents that I did not have any role model, but it happened and I did come to terms with it, not easy at the time though. My husband was loving, we had been together since I was 18 but it was more a friendship than passion or lovo, or so I innocently thought at the time. So, I though I had met the man of my dreams and divorced when my daughter was 2. Lost custody of my child for 2 years and that really took a hard toll on me, but managed to get her back. Remarried with the "perfect" man and had a son in 2005. Our marriage has not been easy by any means, I haven't felt loved or appreciated in the last 17 years, I am more like the housekeeper, only I am out of the house 12 hours a day and then chores, kids, pets, meals, laundry, whatever. And then he arrives, takes his shower, eats his dinner, lays on the couch and does not want to be bothered, especially by me. We live in a house belonging to his parents, wich was supposed to be temporary but he have been there ince 2004 and I don't think he truly ever wanted to live because we live in an appartment where my in laws live below and his sisters also live in the other two appartments, so he never left the house he grew in really, and I was never well accepted because I had already been married, so I do not have a relationship with any of them, really. And also they hear all the arguments, know everything about my life and I hate it. That was has been an issue because I want my own place, as obvious and not live with parents. I left mine at 21 for God's sake! Also he always has worked in his father's company so when the old man dies, the company will be an asset to split and what is he going to do? Also, an issue since the beggining but now he is 43, hard to find a new career, right? And the company is always struggling so I have to work in a job I truly hate but pays well, with people I don't like and are always conspiring behind my back for the last 11 years. But I can't leave, the pay is good and unless husband would get a raise I can not afford to get a lower wage. Also, hard to find a house I can afford on my own, with two kids, one in college (4 hours from home). So, I am stuck.
I felt depressed before, a few years ago, but back then I have been managed to bounce back and I thought "Well, I will CTB when my daughter gets to be 18". She will be 19 on Friday, since she left for college, hardly speaks to me and when she does, she is pretty agressive. I am hurting like hell, because I endured the marriage for them, I wanted to have a family so much and I failed. My daughter does not even want to come home for her birthday, too much trouble tells me that I can't call her as she is with her friends at Uni, etc. I made so many sacrifices for her, I thought we were so close, it is true she is a very cold person, people only exist if she is with them, for instance, if she went to her father, I would never get a text or phone call, the same the other way. And now, even being in this stupid job to pay for everything she needs, she does not have the least appreciation.
My beloved cat has been put to death two months ago, another blow, one month and he was gone, we had him for 10 years. Before that and still going on, colleagues began spreading lies to my superiors, I spend 12 hours out of home utterly miserable and my consolation were getting home to my kids, now it feels like that has been also being taken away from me. I don't have friends or family, this is the first time I getting all out of my chest, so sorry for such a long post.
I know I still have a son and that is what's keeping me but he will be out also in3 to 4 years and with my luck, turn like his sister and then what? Is it worth it, to endure more 4 years of misery? My husband does not give a damn, neither my daughter, my son is the one who gives me some love but he is 14 so.... I have my 5 parrots that adore me and that is also a worry if I am gone, nobody cares for them but me. Well, the kids take care of them but do not have a bond.
I try to keep the marriage but it is hard with someone who does not even look at you. Actually, I tried to hang myself last 07/10, as he was fast asleep on the couch, bad luck got to me again as he woke up out of nothing but in time to go to the kitchen and save me, but never asked me why or had any emotion, it was like if that happened in his life everyday. How cold is that? Next day had to take care of his mom who was not feeling well, poor little thing. When I sked him hy he did not even talked about it, he insinuated I was just trying to get his attention. HE WAS SUPPOSED to be asleep as he has always done at the couch until dawn.
So, long story short, I purchased SD, waiting for it to arrive, also have Primperan.
I don't know if I will have the courage to do that to my son and pets but I do not have anyone left, no perspective of a better life, I hate getting up in the morning to the same awful routine. Weekends are husband in the couch and son playing PS. Before I had my daughter and we would watch movies for instance or I would play UNO with both of them. It is true I am too depressed to leave the house on weekends and go to malls or whatever ith them and deal with people all over again. So, when we have a fight my husband's favourite revenge is to take them, now only him, and leave me by myself.....
I feel lonely, unloved, I sacrifice so much everyday and I have for almost 2 decades and I feel such a failure. I know my reasons seem so petty compared to most of you but I don't feel I have a purpose in life anymore. Completed my mission....
I did not have an easy childhood which made me insecure and very eager to be loved and to have a family completely different from the one I grew into. I almost do not have any relationship with my mother, as clearly she hated me from the moment I was born. My father did love me but was abroad most of my life and has died in 2007.
I married at 21, had my daughter at 24 (2000), although I did not want kids because I had had so messed up parents that I did not have any role model, but it happened and I did come to terms with it, not easy at the time though. My husband was loving, we had been together since I was 18 but it was more a friendship than passion or lovo, or so I innocently thought at the time. So, I though I had met the man of my dreams and divorced when my daughter was 2. Lost custody of my child for 2 years and that really took a hard toll on me, but managed to get her back. Remarried with the "perfect" man and had a son in 2005. Our marriage has not been easy by any means, I haven't felt loved or appreciated in the last 17 years, I am more like the housekeeper, only I am out of the house 12 hours a day and then chores, kids, pets, meals, laundry, whatever. And then he arrives, takes his shower, eats his dinner, lays on the couch and does not want to be bothered, especially by me. We live in a house belonging to his parents, wich was supposed to be temporary but he have been there ince 2004 and I don't think he truly ever wanted to live because we live in an appartment where my in laws live below and his sisters also live in the other two appartments, so he never left the house he grew in really, and I was never well accepted because I had already been married, so I do not have a relationship with any of them, really. And also they hear all the arguments, know everything about my life and I hate it. That was has been an issue because I want my own place, as obvious and not live with parents. I left mine at 21 for God's sake! Also he always has worked in his father's company so when the old man dies, the company will be an asset to split and what is he going to do? Also, an issue since the beggining but now he is 43, hard to find a new career, right? And the company is always struggling so I have to work in a job I truly hate but pays well, with people I don't like and are always conspiring behind my back for the last 11 years. But I can't leave, the pay is good and unless husband would get a raise I can not afford to get a lower wage. Also, hard to find a house I can afford on my own, with two kids, one in college (4 hours from home). So, I am stuck.
I felt depressed before, a few years ago, but back then I have been managed to bounce back and I thought "Well, I will CTB when my daughter gets to be 18". She will be 19 on Friday, since she left for college, hardly speaks to me and when she does, she is pretty agressive. I am hurting like hell, because I endured the marriage for them, I wanted to have a family so much and I failed. My daughter does not even want to come home for her birthday, too much trouble tells me that I can't call her as she is with her friends at Uni, etc. I made so many sacrifices for her, I thought we were so close, it is true she is a very cold person, people only exist if she is with them, for instance, if she went to her father, I would never get a text or phone call, the same the other way. And now, even being in this stupid job to pay for everything she needs, she does not have the least appreciation.
My beloved cat has been put to death two months ago, another blow, one month and he was gone, we had him for 10 years. Before that and still going on, colleagues began spreading lies to my superiors, I spend 12 hours out of home utterly miserable and my consolation were getting home to my kids, now it feels like that has been also being taken away from me. I don't have friends or family, this is the first time I getting all out of my chest, so sorry for such a long post.
I know I still have a son and that is what's keeping me but he will be out also in3 to 4 years and with my luck, turn like his sister and then what? Is it worth it, to endure more 4 years of misery? My husband does not give a damn, neither my daughter, my son is the one who gives me some love but he is 14 so.... I have my 5 parrots that adore me and that is also a worry if I am gone, nobody cares for them but me. Well, the kids take care of them but do not have a bond.
I try to keep the marriage but it is hard with someone who does not even look at you. Actually, I tried to hang myself last 07/10, as he was fast asleep on the couch, bad luck got to me again as he woke up out of nothing but in time to go to the kitchen and save me, but never asked me why or had any emotion, it was like if that happened in his life everyday. How cold is that? Next day had to take care of his mom who was not feeling well, poor little thing. When I sked him hy he did not even talked about it, he insinuated I was just trying to get his attention. HE WAS SUPPOSED to be asleep as he has always done at the couch until dawn.
So, long story short, I purchased SD, waiting for it to arrive, also have Primperan.
I don't know if I will have the courage to do that to my son and pets but I do not have anyone left, no perspective of a better life, I hate getting up in the morning to the same awful routine. Weekends are husband in the couch and son playing PS. Before I had my daughter and we would watch movies for instance or I would play UNO with both of them. It is true I am too depressed to leave the house on weekends and go to malls or whatever ith them and deal with people all over again. So, when we have a fight my husband's favourite revenge is to take them, now only him, and leave me by myself.....
I feel lonely, unloved, I sacrifice so much everyday and I have for almost 2 decades and I feel such a failure. I know my reasons seem so petty compared to most of you but I don't feel I have a purpose in life anymore. Completed my mission....
