Does anyone feel guilty about leaving anyone that's in your life? I've been waiting to ctb for a couple of years now and what's been holding me back is my grandma I take care of. She's had a hard life and has no one to look after. But lately, I just can't take it anymore and just want to end it all. She's the one percent that's making me indecisive. I want to be selfish but I still have a guilty conscience.
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Sayo
Not 2B
- Aug 22, 2018
- 520
Yes. I wouldn't be this way if it weren't for my family, but they suffered so much and just didn't know how to do better. I feel sad that I'll only compound their suffering and make them guilty. I'm worried about who will take care of them emotionally.But I can't live with the pain I'm in and the knowledge I'll be free from it gives me so much peace that I've overcome the guilt over the years.
No one else needs me now, thank goodness. I'm alone and don't let in anyone else who might rely on me. That's why it feels bad in a way. I know I'm needed and I've only ever existed to fulfil that.
No one else needs me now, thank goodness. I'm alone and don't let in anyone else who might rely on me. That's why it feels bad in a way. I know I'm needed and I've only ever existed to fulfil that.
I understand that completely. I think if I set things up for her, like financially and who would take care of her, I can go with ease. Hopefully I within the next couple of months. That's what I'm looking forward to, too. To finally be free of all the hardship and responsibilities I have.
memento_mori
Student
- Mar 28, 2019
- 190
I guess you can look in to aged care facilities and try to give her the best you can afford to make sure she will be taken care of.
I already feel guilty and regretful. My family has poured so much time and money on me and I really... Man, I'm tearing up just thinking about it. They've done so much for me and I feel bad that I can't pay them back. I know suicide is selfish because I'm leaving things undone and incomplete, but is it bad that I know that I'm selfish and still want to die?
Rivotrial
Member
- Jun 10, 2019
- 38
I'm split - after my mom died , my grandma took me with her and immigrated to another country. At this time my heroin addicted dad sat in prison and she was worried what could happen to me (us) if he gets free. She just wanted the best for me and did everything for me.
But I was always missing my home and expecially my cousin and so many people left back there. Since my childhood I was begging her to move back, or at least to let me back so I could've lived with my aunt/uncle/cousins. I was lonely and my life became more and more a failure. If she was worried to be left alone - why not just return both ? My dad died in 2005 or 06 anyway
Now I am 24 and totally broken. I told her about my suicidal thoughts but she doesn't take me seriously. That's why I'm not sure If I really should take care of her , I am gladfull and angry at her at once
But I was always missing my home and expecially my cousin and so many people left back there. Since my childhood I was begging her to move back, or at least to let me back so I could've lived with my aunt/uncle/cousins. I was lonely and my life became more and more a failure. If she was worried to be left alone - why not just return both ? My dad died in 2005 or 06 anyway
Now I am 24 and totally broken. I told her about my suicidal thoughts but she doesn't take me seriously. That's why I'm not sure If I really should take care of her , I am gladfull and angry at her at once
I feel with ya
I ask myself the same questions. But there are a lot of times when I feel so down, that I start to feel incredibly selfish. I don't think of anything else except how to ctb at that moment. I realized that something like this, you have to be selfish in order to do it.
Family is tough. It feels horrible when you're telling someone how you're feeling and they choose to brush it off or dismiss it as a joke. Especially someone close to you. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you'll try to go back home before you have thoughts to ctb. You should see it at least one more time. Maybe it will change your mind
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Rivotrial
Member
- Jun 10, 2019
- 38
Sadly it's not that easy , I spent a lot of time during holidays there.It was a mistake. First you want it, then you regret it- it's the same thing with drugs. It's not the only thing which makes me whish ctb. It's more the consequnces caused by the removal. My parents died. My brother died also (by suicide , but for another reason ). And my cousin - even she didn't die physically. It's all so fkn complicated. But thank you for the kind words
Yeah, coming to terms with selfishness is pretty hard. I've felt that way too, and I think at this point its become a coping mechanism for me to think about different ways of ctb when I'm feeling super emotional. It doesn't help that I have bpd, so my highs and lows are more exaggerated.
Yes, I've been holding off for some years now because of the desire not to cause pain for them, but I'm almost at the end. I can only hope they understand that I held out as long as I could. If not, and they blame and hate me, I can't fault them for that.
If I'm being completely honest and it'll probably sound worse, they'll probably blame themselves more than they could ever blame you. I personally haven't had anyone close to me commit suicide, but I've known of friends of friends who have and they always blame themselves. This is what I'm really struggling to come to terms with. I'm hoping that if I leave something behind telling them not to blame themselves, maybe just maybe it'll soften the blow for them.
Yes, this, exactly. My note is going to be very brief and the whole message will be something like, "I consider this no one's fault; I think the universe does what it does and some of us are destined to the fate that we are destined. But I may be mistaken. If so, the blame lies with me and me alone; no one has failed here but me."
Cloudz
Member
- May 29, 2019
- 32
Dude, I feel the same exact way. My family loves me so much and want me to get better. I've tried with medications and therapy, even involuntary hospitalization, but nothing seems to help. I think I might just have to be really selfish with my decision to carry it out. The way I am now I'll be suffering for the rest of my life.
As I can't live for myself, I'm trying to do my best to exist for the few people I care about. I know too well what it's like to feel miserable, and I'm fully aware of the consequences when I cease to exist. It's not only about the feelings and mental damage, I directly would ruin the lives of those close to me. So I just can't go yet.
I've never thought about it that way but I think that's what I do too. There are some days where I feel okay but on days that I feel too mentally or emotionally strained, that's my first thoughts. How can I ctb, when's the quickest I can ctb, or should I ctb right this moment .
I'm holding on as long as I can too. But a lot of times, the pain is too much for me to think of anyone else. And that's when my selfishness comes out. I think if I tie up my loose ends, I'll be more at ease when I leave. I just hope they'll understand and not blame themselves too much. I've seen how damaging it can be to families and friends. I hope you'll be okay with holding on a little longer . I hope you get everything in order to be at peace.
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My pain has been mostly physical, this itself plus other factors have blended into a brick of nightmare. Others can see and feel my mood changes, but luckily not the pain. Family members who care tend to blame themselves. There is not much you can do about it, other than leaving an explanation for everything.
