Feeling guilty for still being alive and/or jealous of people who died by suicide

[Resol]

Does anyone else have the feeling that they're too old and should have died a long time ago? Or does anyone feel jealous or guilty when they hear about someone younger than them who died?

For example, I was 10–11 when I first considered suicide and 14 when I attempted. Now, whenever I hear about a 10–15-year-old who died by suicide, I feel guilty and jealous at the same time. Guilty because I feel like it's morally wrong that I'm still alive and they're not, and jealous because they are now free and people love and pity them. When a child dies, it's always a tragedy, but I'm already 24, so my death wouldn't touch anyone anymore. I feel like they had the fate that should have been mine. I was never meant to become an adult.

Does anyone else have the same feelings? These are things that no one in real life understands, but I thought someone here might feel the same.

 

[Aflame5926]

Does anyone else have the feeling that they're too old and should have died a long time ago? Or does anyone feel jealous or guilty when they hear about someone younger than them who died?

For example, I was 10–11 when I first considered suicide and 14 when I attempted. Now, whenever I hear about a 10–15-year-old who died by suicide, I feel guilty and jealous at the same time. Guilty because I feel like it's morally wrong that I'm still alive and they're not, and jealous because they are now free and people love and pity them. When a child dies, it's always a tragedy, but I'm already 24, so my death wouldn't touch anyone anymore. I feel like they had the fate that should have been mine. I was never meant to become an adult.

Does anyone else have the same feelings? These are things that no one in real life understands, but I thought someone here might feel the same.

i dreamed about a hero's death when i was 5 im now over 30. so yeah. always jealous about other people freedom

 

[Dingusguy]

I don't specifically envy younger people, I just envy those who have the means and the courage to actually go through with it.
I wish I had what it took to just go through with it, I don't have any good options, and likely nothing easy. But I see others taking that step anyway. THAT is what I envy

I am a coward and envy those who are not

 

[pyamu]

yes... have been on this forum far too long and i get reminded of this every birthday that goes by.

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

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[FuneralCry]

I understand, as I really have suffered for so long in this torturous, futile existence that I just always saw as the most cruel mistake and I just only envy those who no longer suffer in this existence.

To me ceasing to exist would be the positive solution to find peace from all future suffering in this existence that to me is just waiting to die anyway, this existence just never should had been imposed and it's so terrible how it was causing all this harm and suffering as a result with no limit as to how much one can be tortured, all I want is to erase this existence, I just want to cease existing and finally be free from this dreadful existence of torturous suffering.

 

[Painforever]

Sort of, i wish i had done it already but im such a bitch. just delaying for years in fear.

 

[dhk96]

Yes. I never grew up because I didn't expect to live this long (my level of pain tolerance is in the negatives). Now my disgusting conscious just feels like it's trapped in an adult body.

I would love to have even half of the strength and resolve that those people had to have to beat their SI.

When a child dies, it's always a tragedy, but I'm already 24, so my death wouldn't touch anyone anymore. I feel like they had the fate that should have been mine. I was never meant to become an adult.

Agreed. No one takes your depression/suicidal ideation seriously when they finally find out about it in your late teens or 20's. It's just "a phase" to most adults and something they expect you to grow out of once you've "experienced life some more," and if death takes you first, then it's just an unfortunate but common event. They'll say "they were so young..." and move on.

When in reality, some of us have been depressed/suicidal since childhood and for the majority of our lives. We were the same as those children. We simply happened to be the (un)lucky ones that weren't successful/too afraid to attempt.

I don't feel any differently than I did when I was in elementary school (except worse because now I'm living in the dreaded future). I wasn't supposed to outlive my grandpa. I wasn't supposed to be here to see everyone around me change/grow older, become their own person, and force the reality that change is real down my throat. I wasn't supposed to be here at all.

 

[Too_Many_Years]

I feel jealous of most people that have done it because I cant seem to stick to a plan and I've had enough of life for the past 20 years. I feel like a failure.

 

[buriedinmyhead]

It feels fucked up, but I'm pretty jealous of those who committed, especially if they were younger than me (though I do feel bad for children and teens). It's like, why do they have the courage to do it, but I don't?