feeling guilty about rarely seeing my cousins who live in the same city

[snowman626]

So I grew up around my cousins who live in the same city. When we were little we would play together. Then I got older and became more depressed I found myself spending more time alone and never going out to see them.

Its been about 13 years since I have seen them regularly, I did go to my cousins wedding last year but that was it. However my brother and parents always see them regularly and show me pictures of the gatherings. Im the only one not present.

I sometimes feel guilty about this and want to reestablish our relationships but I feel its too latet. These cousins now have husbands and kids, friends I dont know, and Im still depressed and have no social skills. If I join them for a gathering I will stick out like a sore thumb. At the wedding last year one of their fiances gave me crap about how they didnt even know I existed. My cousins probably feel animosity at this point but doesnt show it.

I wish I had at least forced myself to see them a fee times a year to avoid the awkwardness of the situation Im in now. but iwhat are your ththoughts on this and at this point should I even try to reestablish the relationships or just let it be?

Keep in mind that all my cousins, brother, parents, aunts, they're all normal. Im the only one who have mental problems and cannot interact normally. All thats gonna happen if I show up at a dinner gathering is this big group of people will talk, laugh joke, normally, while I sit there with a blank face with nothing to say.

 

[LastFlowers]

I understand, I feel guilty about not seeing my cousins too. Most are close by. Even though they would not care or understand my type of issues.
I even just found out the other day that something horrific was happening to my little cousin for years on end. I was not aware and ofcourse, and not able to be there for them then or now. Not properly.
I can barely function as it is and I don't want anyone to SEE me.
Even if I want to see THEM.
This is very hard to get across to family or anyone at all.

I have always worried that if my issues were ever resolved, it would be too late. Everyone my age would be in relationships, married, have children. My time would be gone.
It would never be like old times and I wouldn't have any importance in their lives anymore, they would have people that mattered more.
Even though-for me-no one else comes before blood and the family I grew up with. And reuniting would not be something anyone would be keen on.
My worries are unfortunately warranted.

Because well, it's all already happening, it has been happening.
No one reaches out to me. Besides a couple relatives with a happy birthday text.
Even though most of them do not have the types of issues that prevent them from communicating, seeing other family, friends, or going out in general.
So there is really no excuse.
My own brothers have no interest in me or my issues either. I don't have friends. Not that I can keep them.

At an extremely short period of time in my life where I was seeing people again, my favorite cousin didn't even want to see me at first. I was almost at the point I was going to have to beg even though it was already SO difficult for me to even put myself out there.
Once I hid away again, I regretted ever putting myself in that position.
I would only do that again if all my CTB worthy problems were permanently resolved.

So I'm not really sure what you should do. If I didn't look the way I did and could have people see me without causing me such massive amounts of distress and anxiety, I would probably not care if they thought my personality or mental aspects alone were weird or off. I don't mind sticking out for those reasons, I mind sticking out for physical reasons.
Or being invisible.
And I would likely even still-against better judgement-try to reestablish closeness with them.
But I'm not you, you must decide for yourself. It's not about one thing being more important than the other. It's what you can handle and what you can't.

If I was not in my position and a cousin of mine was, and I was aware or observed their absence, I would be constantly asking about them and eager for the day they could be with me again. I would hope your cousins would welcome you with open arms but I know from my own experience, I just seem to be forgotten about and thought to be a lost cause, on my way out anyhow.
By being away so long I have probably unknowingly prepared everyone for my death. Which I hate but it's the truth. My death won't even have any impact at this point which kills me but that's how it goes in some cases.
If you can change that for yourself and find yourself able, I would say go for it. At least you would know you gave it a shot and from your side, reached out your hand. If they don't want to take it, I am truly and utterly sorry for that. You have my utmost empathy.

 

[snowman626]

I understand, I feel guilty about not seeing my cousins too. Most are close by. Even though they would not care or understand my type of issues.
I even just found out the other day that something horrific was happening to my little cousin for years on end. I was not aware and ofcourse, and not able to be there for them then or now. Not properly.
I can barely function as it is and I don't want anyone to SEE me.
Even if I want to see THEM.
This is very hard to get across to family or anyone at all.

I have always worried that if my issues were ever resolved, it would be too late. Everyone my age would be in relationships, married, have children. My time would be gone.
It would never be like old times and I wouldn't have any importance in their lives anymore, they would have people that mattered more.
Even though-for me-no one else comes before blood and the family I grew up with. And reuniting would not be something anyone would be keen on.
My worries are unfortunately warranted.

Because well, it's all already happening, it has been happening.
No one reaches out to me. Besides a couple relatives with a happy birthday text.
Even though most of them do not have the types of issues that prevent them from communicating, seeing other family, friends, or going out in general.
So there is really no excuse.
My own brothers have no interest in me or my issues either. I don't have friends. Not that I can keep them.

At an extremely short period of time in my life where I was seeing people again, my favorite cousin didn't even want to see me at first. I was almost at the point I was going to have to beg even though it was already SO difficult for me to even put myself out there.
Once I hid away again, I regretted ever putting myself in that position.
I would only do that again if all my CTB worthy problems were permanently resolved.

So I'm not really sure what you should do. If I didn't look the way I did and could have people see me without causing me such massive amounts of distress and anxiety, I would probably not care if they thought my personality or mental aspects alone were weird or off. I don't mind sticking out for those reasons, I mind sticking out for physical reasons.
Or being invisible.
And I would likely even still-against better judgement-try to reestablish closeness with them.
But I'm not you, you must decide for yourself. It's not about one thing being more important than the other. It's what you can handle and what you can't.

If I was not in my position and a cousin of mine was, and I was aware or observed their absence, I would be constantly asking about them and eager for the day they could be with me again. I would hope your cousins would welcome you with open arms but I know from my own experience, I just seem to be forgotten about and thought to be a lost cause, on my way out anyhow.
By being away so long I have probably unknowingly prepared everyone for my death. Which I hate but it's the truth. My death won't even have any impact at this point which kills me but that's how it goes in some cases.
If you can change that for yourself and find yourself able, I would say go for it. At least you would know you gave it a shot and from your side, reached out your hand. If they don't want to take it, I am truly and utterly sorry for that. You have my utmost empathy.

yeah I think the main problem now is that my ctb worthy problems are still not resolved, and if I show up all I'm going to do is SHOW them why I haven't been around all these years, making myself look stupid in the process in front of people. I don't believe I owe them anything and Im not going to put myself in such a vulnerable position. They should have realized by now on their own that I have some kind of mental problem.

but I do think this situation would get worse if one of the cousins were to have something horrific happen to them, like a death or something and there's a funeral and people would ask me to join. Then if I show up everybody would be like "you didn't see them when they were alive...now you show up" etc. and so it would be better not to show up.