Venting feeling extra suicidal because of my grades

[sorararara]

ahh first time posting here, i'm scared :').. apologies for grammar or spelling mistakes. kinda panicking rn

edit// i'm a uni student btw, i know school is supposed to get more difficult but idk i'm just irritated

yeah, i realize this sounds stupid, but here's some context for why this bothers me so damn much:
i suck at everything, i fail at anything and everything, no matter how hard i try. my determination, the amount of years i put into a hobby, the amount of hard work i put into improving my skills at certain things never matters. i've sorta brought this up with my family a few times before, and their response is always either "just keep trying" or "you're smart".
i appreciate their efforts to make me feel better, but being smart isn't a talent to me. for the most part, i've always had good grades. my grades/"smarts" are the only thing that defines me now, no one cares about anything i do.. my grades are all that matter so i do absolutely everything i can to keep them up. my gpa has always been above 3.5, i think. i hate it so much. i want a perfect gpa. it's not realistic, but i need to be a perfect student. i'll have absolutely no defining traits if i have average grades. i currently have a 3.8, and everyone around me tells me to stop worrying about it because "i'll be able to bring it up".
lmao.. it has only gone down.. i have multiple B's now.

i took a test.. and now i have a B in chemistry.
i worked so damn hard. i dedicated so many hours every single day to maintaining a high A in chemistry. my hand is so cramped from the hours of taking notes, i can hardly even write anything, it hurts so much.. i spent like 10 hours every damn day studying. just for my grade to drop..


i've always felt suicidal for multiple (more valid :/) reasons but i was feeling okay for a few days.. i thought i was going to do well. i was so excited for myself, but now my gpa is lower than it ever was and i'm terrified. my grades are all anyone knows about me. i realize having a B-average is very good! it's about the average in the US! i'm not delusional!! but people only know me for my above average grades. if i'm average, i'll have literally nothing. i don't have a good personality, i'm not funny, and i'm not good at anything; now i'm average in school as well! i never even thought i was smart, a letter doesn't define how smart you truly are, but everyone seems to think it does.

i feel like i've let people down? everyone thought i would be able to raise the grade but it's only getting worse.
i'm sorry if this sounds ridiculous or dumb, but it's really bothering me. school is the only thing i've ever been good at, but i'm just getting worse. the only thing i have EVER been recognized for.. and i'm only getting worse and worse at it.
i would be less bothered if i didn't work so hard. so many days wasted, just for me to NOT reach my goal? it's so frustrating.

(no, extra credit is not an option :/)

thank you for reading, i just really needed to get this out, i've never been able to discuss it in detail

 

[jodes2]

You aren't letting anyone down. You need to realise you are good at school for a start, you could be really struggling, how would that feel?? Be glad for what you have. Plus I'm sure you have other good qualities too. Average or above average. The point is they're not rock bottom. You could have nothing. Really, NOTHING. But clearly you have exceedingly high expectations. You need to practice gratitude. Write down all the things you COULD be WORSE at. You'll actually see you have an awful lot to be happy with!

 

[EndlessDream]

sounds like you're doing fine, a B is great and you seem to be putting in a lot of work
understand your parents are pushing you but this is all you can do
focus on your mental health and don't get too burned out if it means ull be suicidal

from my experience:
my parents were pretty strict too and my dad used to get mad and smashed shit cause i got bad grades, even kicking me out once (i moved out soon after)
my parents made me super conscious about my grades, status, ranks, etc. and it did more bad than good.

those grades are fine, do what you like and are passionate about, do what doesn't make you kill yourself.
i'm guessing you are pretty young, maybe teens.
if you do get bad grades, you have a lot of time to figure out what you're good at, despite the pressure from your parents.

 

[sorararara]

You aren't letting anyone down. You need to realise you are good at school for a start, you could be really struggling, how would that feel?? Be glad for what you have. Plus I'm sure you have other good qualities too. Average or above average. The point is they're not rock bottom. You could have nothing. Really, NOTHING. But clearly you have exceedingly high expectations. You need to practice gratitude. Write down all the things you COULD be WORSE at. You'll actually see you have an awful lot to be happy with!

thank you for the kind reply!! i now realize that i never took the time to appreciate the fact that people have set those high expectations for me :,)
i'm just really scared of being imperfect, and i'm not sure how to shake that fear. i should be happy that people believe in me, but my brain is so clouded by the fear that i won't be able to meet their expectations :,)

but thanks again!! i'll take your advice <3

sounds like you're doing fine, a B is great and you seem to be putting in a lot of work
understand your parents are pushing you but this is all you can do
focus on your mental health and don't get too burned out if it means ull be suicidal

from my experience:
my parents were pretty strict too and my dad used to get mad and smashed shit cause i got bad grades, even kicking me out once (i moved out soon after)
my parents made me super conscious about my grades, status, ranks, etc. and it did more bad than good.

those grades are fine, do what you like and are passionate about, do what doesn't make you kill yourself.
i'm guessing you are pretty young, maybe teens.
if you do get bad grades, you have a lot of time to figure out what you're good at, despite the pressure from your parents.

i'm really sorry you had to go through that. i hope you're in a better situation now.

thank you for responding :] your advice really helped <3

 

[CantWait2D1E]

Welcome to the site :)
Like you, I used to be a pretty good student. Graduated with honors from my high school. Got As and Bs without ever really having to study much or do homework. I would do one classes homework while sitting in another one. College came around. First couple semesters went well. 3rd one, I had to take an Accounting class. Flunked it as well as all my other classes because of my stress of not understanding the material in that one class. Dropped out of college and still never gave education another chance.

My point is, you will face hardships in your academic career. My uncle, smartest guy I know, took a programming class where first day the professor promised everyone that you're not earning more than a C. He got through the class, but not with high marks. Did that stop him from becoming one of the best software engineers earning +200k a year? Living in a big house on a golf course? Absolutely not.

Please remember why you're pursuing a degree in the first place. That piece of paper at the end that allows you to get a high paying job. Do you think you're future employer will give two shits about how you maybe got some Cs or Ds along the way? No. You're not going to be in school forever so don't make it out to be your life's greatest accomplishment or whatever

You sound like someone who's much too hard on themselves. A perfectionist. That either drives men to greatness or leaves them utterly insane. Please do not put such enormous pressure on yourself. No one is expecting it or you. I bet most of the other things you think you suck at you're actually not half bad at.

 

[Kobusu]

I know how you feel, I've also always been known as the one who "excels" or "does the best" and for the longest time I felt the same. If I ever became average, if I ever stopped being particularly extraordinary, there was nothing to me. It's much different in my case, because I realized that when I was younger and sought to change it, but I remember how hard college/university was, too. I think it's important to remember a few things, and though they helped me, it's always possible they won't help you. Still, they're important to keep track of.

Most importantly: If you don't know who you are without excelling academically, then find out. It's hard, it's a lot of work, and at the start, it's very fucking scary. If you don't know who you are or what you are, all you can do to lose that feeling is to find out. Let yourself be "average" for a while. Find out what you love to do in the time that previously would've been non-stop studying, preparing, or reviewing. Find out what there is to you besides that, no matter how long it takes. Until you learn, you will always struggle.

Secondly: C's get degrees. Having graduated, I now realize how little workplaces actually give a shit about my gpa. Even when I start my Master's program, most places won't care. I come from an Asian family (half at least), so it's hard to get that mentality out. It's important to, though, because you'll be so much happier for it. Nobody cares, not even my parents funnily enough.

Finally, and probably most importantly, is the fact that your grades will always fluctuate. You control your grades, they don't control you, friend.

Welcome, and I hope you find the support you need here. I'm always happy to talk if you'd like.
And, for what it's worth, it's not that there's nothing to define you or nothing at all to you without academic excellency. You just haven't found what does, yet.

 

[tystero]

If my life continues, I'll probably have to go to uni. And man, I dread going to uni. The pandemic had been a blast but all good things must come to an end. I've deschooled myself while in quarantine for the last 2 years studying whatever piqued my interest, reading essays on Anarchist theory have broaden my worldview and using Spaced-repetiton program to help me remember what I read was game-changing. I turned suicidal pretty much after realizing that the temporary relief I felt from participating in "the system" is about to come to an end. I have to go back to worrying about grade and exams instead of doing what I want yet again. And after uni, it's gonna be 40+ years of meaningless jobs that suck the soul out of my body and I have to go home too tired to do anything like I used to.

So yeah, I'd rather die than going to uni.

 

[MsMs]

It sounds like having high grades is really important to your identity. There are few things as disheartening than giving 110 percent and still falling short of your goal. However, The courses you mention are very challenging courses. It's possible that compared to class averages your grades actually aren't going down at all (relative to how much everyone else's are going down).

Another thing to consider, A 3.7 gpa in a difficult program can be much more difficult to achieve than in a 4.0 in a easy one.

It sucks that you put everything into school and aren't getting the results you wanted, but make sure to take into account the difficulty of your program as well as the possibility of very low class averages (I felt like shit for a mark only to learn the average was so low that I actually did quite well).

I don't know for sure but I find it unlikely that you are falling behind your classmates.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you're giving your all and not achieving what you'd like. I do know how that feels.

I'm very ignorant about the sciences- I'm from an arts background. How crucial is it to get very top grades for employment in your field? Is that your end goal? Have you been able to take on any work experience, or paid work in your area?

Like I say- I don't actually know much about your field but of the literally hundreds of jobs I've gone for- only once has someone asked me the grade I got. He wasn't even the boss! He was an employee giving me a lift from the station and he was only really curious because he had gone to the same university. It is slightly different with art because we tend to show a portfolio of work at an interview.

I don't really know how science job interviews go. I would imagine that work experence is still highly valued though. It may not ALL be just about grades. Maybe chemistry is different but in my industry, university is VERY different to the real world.

I DO completely understand how much this means to you though. I was always obsessed with my work. I found and still find it crushing when I under perform.

I guess you could talk to your tutors. You're clearly willing to put the work in. Maybe they can give you more guidance on what you might need to focus on. Part of it could be this enormous pressure you are putting on yourself. I think it might help you to talk to your tutors- they've been where you are now- they likely have more insight into how to cope with it.

Good luck. Remember- you ARE doing well. It's not all together a bad thing that you are so ambitious- just try to reign it in so that it doesn't start causing burnout and make you give up all together.

 

[itsallpointless]

Grades are just one metric of success. English tests dont measure humor/banter and other things.
Science doesn't test your open mindedness.
There are also alot of subjects that can't be defined. In other words fuck grades man

 

[littlelittlecrow]

I used to be very much like you, so you definitely are not alone. I think it helps to split expectations into four quadrants, realistic vs unrealistic on one axis and positive vs negative on the other.

A realistic positive expectation might be that the people who truly love you do not love you only on the condition that you get good grades. Love has never worked that way, you can love a pet who does not get grades at all, when you think about your own loved ones I doubt you would stop loving them if their grades slipped or their boss didn't like them. Your grades aren't entirely in your control, your professors and other students impact your grades so it's crazy to imagine someone stops loving someone else for something they don't even have full control over. And I'm willing to bet when you think of the things you would do for your loved ones, "sticking by them if their grades slip" probably isn't anywhere near the most extreme length you would go for them.

An unrealistic positive expectation might be that if you get good grades you are guarenteed a great paying and secure job. While that would be lovely, it's not realistic. Plenty of people with poor grades get great jobs and many people with great grades get poor jobs, there's many more factors than just grades.

A realistic negative expectation might be that there may be some steps you need to take to remain enrolled if your GPA drops too low. I've had to apply for reinstatement to my university before due to a low GPA, I had to fill out a form and attend some meetings which weren't fun, but ultimately it's what had to be done to stay enrolled.

An unrealistic negative expectation might be that getting good grades is a requirement to prove to yourself or others that you are a good person. The vast majority of people don't care about grades, when you think of traits you like in your loved ones I doubt you even know what their grades in all their exams in all their classes were. The few people who do care about grades so much that getting good grades is a requirement in their eyes for you being a good person are extremely shallow, and probably are just looking for an excuse to be judgmental which they would have been doing anyways.

Not all expectations are created equal, some are helpful and some are not. Try to ask yourself clarifying questions about expectations put on you by others or even by yourself.

It may also be helpful to remind yourself that you are not responsible for other people's expectations. If they expect something unrealistic of you, that's on them. You aren't burdened with having to cater to every expectation put upon you, someone might expect you to find the cure to cancer and someone else might expect you to stab them in an alley, but those are just thoughts those people are having and it would be crazy to have to follow every thought everyone has ever had about you.

You are not responsible for other people's thoughts.

You don't even know the full extent of other people's thoughts, how could you obey them all? Even if you could, there would be a paradox if they expected you to surprise them!

If someone fails to see your potential because they only see you for your grades, that's their loss. If someone can't appreciate all the hard work you put into your hobbies then that's an extra joy they're depriving themselves of.

It's hard to see other people sad and want to try to help them, especially when it feels like they are sad because of something you did or failed to do, but I think even the fact you care so much about the people in your life that you want to do so much to make them happy is a sign you are a good person, and the people in your life should feel blessed to have someone as kind as you in their lives, your grades will never change that.

 

[Rob1984]

but people only know me for my above average grades. if i'm average, i'll have literally nothing. i don't have a good personality, i'm not funny, and i'm not good at anything; now i'm average in school as well! i never even thought i was smart, a letter doesn't define how smart you truly are, but everyone seems to think it does.

i feel like i've let people down? everyone thought i would be able to raise the grade but it's only getting worse.
i'm sorry if this sounds ridiculous or dumb, but it's really bothering me. school is the only thing i've ever been good at, but i'm just getting worse. the only thing i have EVER been recognized for.. and i'm only getting worse and worse at it.
i would be less bothered if i didn't work so hard. so many days wasted, just for me to NOT reach my goal? it's so frustrating.

I think your grades may be going down because you're realizing grades aren't making you feel fulfilled/happy in life. You've placed so much of your identity around something that isn't that important to the big picture of life. You are absolutely correct when you say "a letter doesn't define how smart you truly are, but everyone seems to think it does." There are so many problems with the grading system (and school system as a whole) that I won't even start going down that rabbit hole of a rant.

You started your post by saying this sounds stupid, but I don't think it sounds stupid at all. Most of us grow up thinking grades are incredibly important, to the point that we sacrifice other parts of childhood and life for, but many people have epiphanies as they get older on how trivial grades actually are. Btw, I'm not encouraging to get bad grades necessarily, I'm just pointing out that maybe your grades are dropping b/c you are realizing so much of your identity has been placed on something that at one time seemed important, but maybe you are realizing isn't the end all in life. I could be wrong though, so correct me by all means!

In my own opinion, being a kind person who is willing to help others, listen to others, not judge others, etc. is SO much more important than any talent or intelligence. I've met many incredibly talented and unbelievably intelligent people, and some of them have a ridiculous amount of arrogance. Some of the dumbest people I have met have a gift that most people don't have and that is kindness.

So for whatever it is worth, find value in being a nice person. Believe it or not, that's more rare than you would think. One day you will finish school, so try not to allow yourself to place your entire worth/identity into it. Btw, university is very tough, and getting even a 3.0 is very good. Cut yourself some slack :)

 

[WorthlessCoward]

Some people are just bad at everything. Physical, smarts, charisma, even luck. Me for example.

 

[Sparr0w]

just gonna throw this in here: my family has a (dumb) saying: Cs get degrees. the point of it is that as long as you pass, the grade doesn't really matter.
i mean, absolutely try for the best grade possible! you're alllowed to be proud of yourself! but like... if you get a c, you're still gonna pass the class. if you fail one assignment, you can still pass the class (...unless that assignment's worth over 50% of your grade, lol). and you know what? your future employer isn't gonna care that you only got a B. they might not even check that you actually have a degree.

so yeah, study hard and go for the best you can achieve! but don't beat yourself up over a bad grade. instead of punishing yourself for getting a B, get yourself a treat for getting a B! you succeded! you did the thing! you didn't just pass, you got a whole-ass B! and that's something to celebrate!